Do you have to 'tell the partner'?

MoodyMel

Title says it all really.

I have read lots of posts on here about people having debt that their partner knows nothing about. It was either debt from before they were together, or they have run it up in secret, or as in my situation, it has been run up together but without the partner really realising or paying attention.

I deal with all the finances and my husband just goes with the flow... he requests we buy things and I either say yes or no, or I get talked into it even if I'm not keen as I know deep down we can't really afford it. But I never really say this to him; I just end up agreeing.

I juggle all the bills and for quite a few years I managed, but over the last few years everything has gone belly-up! I have had a CCJ registered against me a few weeks ago and most of my debts are now with debt collection agencies. We also have debts chasing us that we are ignoring (head in sand works, right?) He doesn't know exactly how much we owe and neither do I if I'm honest, but I'm pretty sure if we both had a guess his would be way under the actual amount.

I don't want to tell him. I would rather just continue trying to sort it all out myself but I must admit I am finding it all rather stressful.

Has anyone ever managed to take it on and get debts paid off without telling their partner? How did you go about it?

I have managed to get a few of the debts under control and repayment plans set up, but as fast as I am doing that he is asking me if we can buy x,y or z...

Frustrated x

EssexHebridean

If it was the other way round, and HE was worrying about debt, and you found out down the line that you'd been making things worse inadvertently because you didn't know the extent of the situation, how would you feel?

That may answer your question. I'm sure you've also noted that on those other threads you have read, we pretty much always advise against trying to keep it secret - the best and easiest way of tackling debt is to do it as a team.

allthe7s

I don't think I could keep something like that from DH, and, he wouldn't want me to. He would know something was wrong and be worried about me.

I think to make proper inrods on these debts he needs to know the extent of your problems as otherwise he is going to be adding to them, albeit unknowingly.

You are already feeling stressed with it all, some of that stress should lift once its no longer a secret.

PS also find out how much your total is, it will help you plan your next steps

enthusiasticsaver

Maybe he would not try to talk you into spending money you cannot afford if he knew the extent of the debts. You are affecting his financial credit record too as presumably you are linked on debts like mortgage, bank account or such. If you want to make a proper plan to repay the debt he needs to be on board so he needs the facts.

If you are stressed and don't want to tell him is this because you are ashamed of getting into a financial mess or for some other reason? Surely if you tell him he at least will stop bugging you to buy stuff. What other reason is there to keep it secret?

ada-or-ardor

From the way you've written your post, it sounds like he may be listed as jointly liable for some of the accounts that are now in debt? If this is the case, he definitely needs to know if only as a wake up call to get his head out of the sand and start taking some responsibility for some of the money, but also so he is made aware of the state of his financial record.

Regardless, if it's got to the point of CCJs and the debt is in your name only - I think you should still inform your partner. You clearly need some help managing the finances, whether that's simply practically by sharing the load a bit more and taking some of the pressure off you to manage all this, or literally by not suggesting you buy things (he has no idea) you can't afford.

I get where you're coming from, I take care of the finances for us both too and it can be easier sometimes to just say yes rather than having an in-depth conversation about your balance and money plans. But at the stage you seem to be at, it's imperative you put a stop to that behaviour and fix the damage, and I'm not sure how you can do that without telling him, or why you should. He isn't a child, he doesn't need protecting; he is an adult, he needs to be responsible. After having a big money chat with my DP along very similar lines (just not in debt, but frittering away money needlessly), I'm thinking of transferring a bill to his responsibility every few months, until we're evenly split. God forbid something happened to me, I don't think he even knows how to log in to our online banking!!!! Seriously though, you need to look beyond the immediate embarrassment or fear that you may have had a blip in managing the finances, and think about the consequences of not telling him. Which are currently not looking great. You sign off 'Frustrated' but there is one simple route to not being frustrated anymore.... It's got nothing to do with the debt or how you handle that; it's telling him the truth and working on a plan together.

Good luck with whatecer you decide to do.

Ada

tori.k

A problem shared is a problem halved, if your finances are joint then it will take both of you to deal with this as a budget wont work unless your both working of the same page. once you start saying no to purchases he's going to suss that something is up anyway even if he currently put's your stress down to something else.

ReadingTim

How would you feel if he was keeping secrets from you that could affect your long term happiness or prosperity together? Like he had a gambling addiction, terminal health problem or was having an affair?

Probably not great.

Which is why you should be honest, because at the moment, you're lying to him, and the truth kinda matters in relationships.

Money_Rollercoaster

You are partners. Partners work together to sort things out.


It sounds to me that you need to get back to basics, sort your budgets out, make some clear plans for sorting these debts out before they really start to cause you serious problems.


When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging ...

mumto2girlsandaboy

Your last sentence says it all, you're never going to be able to sort out the situation and carry on spending and if he doesn't know, why would he stop spending? You ran up the debts together and even if he didn't realise at the time he's still as responsible for them as you. Now you need to work together to fix it.

MoodyMel

Lots of good points here thank you all.

I know I do need to tell him... I suppose I feel a bit embarrassed that it is my fault, not his because he didn't really know, that we have run up the debts.

I need to get all the information together and work out a plan of action, then maybe tell him. At least that way it looks like I haven't completely fudged it all.

With any luck we will both be in half decent paying jobs in the not too distant future and can maybe work the finance a little differently.... but I'm yet to broach that subject too. I know he won't want to change how things are run at the minute.

Lots of thinking and working out for me to do.

ada-or-ardor

Good luck MM - if it helps at all, I think most of the threads you'll read where people are in the same dilemma as you and are adamant they won't tell because their partner will leave; they all seem to end as well as possible - the partner is supportive, they don't break up, there's not loads of blame, they just fight it as a team.

For what it's worth, I think you've both been equally irresponsible through burying your head in the sand. Sure, the onus will all fall on you because you manage the money. But hey, you messed up, but he hasn't ever taken any interest, youve now identified the problem and will have a plan to fix it but I think that plan needs to involve him taking an ever-increasing responsibility for money management. I think it puts you in a strong position that you're approaching him with this problem, as opposed to him suddenly taking an interest in your finances and finding you owe a !!!! load of money.

Come back on here, start a diary, post an SOA, and people will give you tons of ideas and motivation to get this thing beat. And good luck with the conversation.

Ada