Feeling hopeless

Pollycat

Honeymonster wrote: »

Sorry I didn't get to edit any of the above, I had to leave the office to collect my daughter from the bus stop.
I have discussed care with my parents but they don't want help from care givers as they believe they don't need it and are managing the best themselves!
If I were to leave my job and start a new one I wouldn't be able to continue caring for my parents the way I am now. My job is only 1 mile from their home so I can drop in and out throughout the day to keep an eye on things.
I should also say I have not had a pay rise in the 11 years I have been there, in fact I am worse off as I get a fixed amount each week regardless of the increase in personal allowances. My husband was promised a pay rise when he worked there and didn't get it although one brother blamed the other for it being overlooked! He finally had enough of the situation and left but I think a lot of the problems I am experiencing are as a direct result of him leaving his job and in essence setting up as self employed in a similar line of work.
I have asked for help with caring for both parents and I was told by my older brother that his wife would see if she could help, she doesn't work. I'm still waiting for the help. Their daughter finished her nursing degree and came home in early November and was applying for jobs. She was at home until about 10 days ago when she started her first job. All the time she was at home doing nothing she could have helped. My Mum still gave her an envelope of money when she was going back to start her new job. So angry with the lot of them, they are always there if they thought they could get a pound!

You are being used as a doormat.

Of course your parents feel they don't need any help - you are filling that gap.
They aren't managing themselves - you are doing it.
I really think you need to get an assessment from Adult Social Services about the extent of help both your parents need.
If your Mum is in the early stages of dementia, things are only going to get worse for you.
Are they getting all the benefits that they are entitled to?

As for your brothers and their wives - they are being very unfair.
There's nothing that says a female child takes the full burden of care for parents.

As for your work situation, whose responsibility is it to do PAYE?
Why are they not doing it?
Never, ever mess with HMRC!

What was behind your decision to leave your job and work in your brothers' business?
Better pay? Better hours? Less travelling?
Could you find another job somewhere else?
I don't think you owe any loyalty to your brothers.
Suggesting you take time off without pay because you're stressed with caring for your and their parents?
Really?

I would take your Friday off tomorrow and sit down and read through your 2 posts and consider if you are being treated reasonably and fairly by your family.
And if your answer is 'no', do something about it before it makes you so ill that you're not capable of doing anything about it.
Nobody has unlimited reserves of strength - and it sounds like you are running on nearly empty..

gettingtheresometime

ljonski wrote: »

First of all , edit your post with paragraphs to make it easier to read. Secondly on this forum i would just stick to family problems with your parents. Post the stuff about your HMRC problems somewhere else on the forum - possibly small business or tax.

The only part of that paragraph I'd agree with is the bit about putting it into paragraphs

heartbreak_star

Some good advice above - I really hope you get things sorted.

HBS x

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Two issues:

1 your job with a family company that's run badly.
Don't waste any more of your time with these jokers. Any job will be better.

2 your parents' declining health
Bluntly, this is only going to get worse. They are going to have to accept external help in the form of cleaners, and eventually carers. And at some point look at residential care. Vanishingly few people stay hale, hearty and completely independent into their 80s. As a family you have to discuss how you organise this going forward. It's unlikely everyone will agree, or think it's fair. My mother and aunt have always got on, but are disagreeing for the first time in their lives over care of my Nan with dementia. I'm afraid such difficult decisions put real strain on relationships.

pearl123

I suggest you join a carers forum. Something like carers uk. You'll get a great deal of support from those who know about the help you could receive.
There is no doubt you are over-worked. You need a carers assesment for your parent to start with.
Plus you need to start looking out for your own health.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/carersuk-forum

Savvy_Sue

Honeymonster, you may want to have a listen to this from Woman's Hour this morning. It's bits of the audio diary of a woman caring 24/7 for her mum with dementia and other complex health problems. It did not make easy listening, but there are no medals for doing this.

System

Sometimes its only when you do nothing do people realize how much you do.

The hard part is letting go.

ALIBOBSY

Given that your husband works and your pay is less than stable could you and he manage if you walked away from the job and became a full time carer for your parents? If you qualified for carers allowance this would give you something each week and you would be alot less stressed.

May be worth sitting down with hubby and looking at finances, could you manage to live on his wage?

Another thought you and hubby pack up and go away for a couple of days so you are uncontactable and let the parents and brothers see how much you really do?

Good luck whatever you decide to you and your parents, your brothers sound like idiots.

Ali x

Primrose

"Nobody knows how much I do I until I stop doing it". I think it,s about time your whole family learned that it,a time to stop taking your for granted.

I'm going to be brutally honest here, having nearly driven myself to a breakdown trying to care for parents a long distance away who refused to have outside help while I was struggling to hold down a job because they would rather I did everything for them. That somehow allowed them to live under the illusion that they were still maintaining their independence.

However much in difficulties they are you need to pull back sufficiently so that they realise how you do and how much assistance they need.
You need to have a family council including your brothers wives to see what regular help they can offer. And contact Social Services to get an assessment of their needs.

There will undoubtedly be troubles looming with HMRC and your brother only has himself to blame. I would rapidly extract from yourself from the business and try to find another part time job. You do not need the stress of an HMRC investigation of top of all your parents troubles. The family business sounds a vipers nest of lack of transparent between your two brothers and you don,t need to be pulled into the politics of that either.

Just try and concentrate on getting your parents sorted out and finding another job.

Primrose

Two other things you should be urgently investigating to help with your parents care if they have not already been done

1. Apply for Attendance Allowance for both parents. It sounds as if they would be entitled and this money Would's possibly help to pay for some outside care , i.e.a cleaner or meals on wheels etc to reduce the pressure on you

2. Get Power of attorney set up urgently for both parents in case they become incapable of managing their own affairs. This will take a while so don't delay. I would be very thoughtful who they appoint with the disfunctional siblings you have but possibly you and your husband could act jointly and severally? As you probably best know their personal affairs they may be more happy for you to handle them. Are they aware of all the work problems going on with you and your brothers? It seems they have enough to cope with already without the further distraction of family politics which may get very difficult if you decide to extract yourself from their business.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview