To tell or not to tell parents?

Number75

I wouldn't.
It's not fair to worry them.
Your wife doesn't want you to.

The only reason I would say to tell, is if your mental health was suffering to such an extent that you really needed to - but my first ports of call would be my wife, and debt charities, and a forum like this, for emotional support.

There's no shame in still needing our parents when things get on top of us emotionally, and I hope my children would never feel they couldn't come to me for support at any age. But I would hope they wouldn't go against their partner's wishes unless really necessary.

ani*fan

tori.k wrote: »

I can say as a parent I would like to know, you can tell when there is something up with those we love, they will be relived that it's about money rather than something serious like a health issue ( not being flippant about debt, but there is always a solution to debt issues regardless of the amount) you have debt but your dealing with it, you don't need to delve into the numbers unless you really want.

lessonlearned wrote: »

Speaking as a mum I agree with Tori. I would sense that something is amiss and I would be anxious. I would be relieved that it was money and not a health problem.

You don't have to go into detail, certainly don't reveal any figures.

I would say something like " X and I have had a money talk and we have decided to go on a bit of an economy drive so we can clear up a few odds and ends and then we want to concentrate on saving for the future, our child's education and maybe early retirement"

That way you have explained any lifestyle changes they might notice and they will be mega impressed at your financial acumen and ability to forward plan. :rotfl:

I agree with both of these. Let them know something of it, so that they understand the lifestyle changes, but don't give them the whole amount. No point in unneccesary worry. And the part about getting ready for your child's future is genius, mostly true in that no debt will help everything, just hope they don't start asking for account numbers to pay into the little ones university fund. Not yet anyway.

And I don't mind at all your multiple threads.

Aced2016

I wouldn't !! You said they're not in a position to help financially.

So they're going to feel worried for you, and helpless they can't help. Your an adult in your 30s and married, so this is your and your wife's problem. Your wife has also told you it's a private matter and she doesn't want them to know.

So upset your wife and worry your parents for what ?

I would get my head down with your wife and work out how to tackle it effictevly.

usernameisvalid

I wouldn't either

If they are like us, we do whatever we can for our children. To find out they were in so much debt would worry us sick and we would we talking about jeopardising our own retirement to help our kids out causing stress and strain everywhere

annandale

From some of the other posts you've made it doesn't look like you've told your wife the exact sum that you owe.

I'd tell her before speaking to your parents

enthusiasticsaver

I too have mixed feelings about this. My daughters constantly reassure me they don't have unmanageable debt (beyond student loans, mortgages and 0% finance) as I have drummed "the evils of credit cards" into them since they were 18 and able to apply for one. I know they both budget and save and should they come to me and tell me have very high unsecured debt as you are suggesting doing to your parents I am not sure what reaction I would have. Concern certainly but as they have good jobs, as do you, this would be tinged with disappointment and even though we could afford to bail them out and have gifted them money for other things we would not rush to step in as this only delays good spending habits. It depends on your parents attitude to money though and whether they have taught and encouraged you to budget when you were younger. How do you think your parents would react if you were to tell them you were in debt to the tune of £50k+? If you cannot cope with their disappointment should that be their reaction then probably best not to load yourself with further anxiety.

I think, bearing in mind your wife has said she does not want them to know and I don't think you have even told her the full extent of the debt I would not rush to tell them and certainly not the full details of how much etc. You could say that you are budgeting strictly if they notice you are cutting down on things and legitimately say you are trying to clear some credit card debt without being too explicit. As I understand it though your wife is being supportive and really she is the one you should be talking to.

angelpye

I too don't think your parents need to know know. Once your wife is in the full knowledge and you have both started to make some progress if they then asked I would give a partial/minimal disclosure to stop them worrying about anything else i.e. health. Your wife is still coming to terms with this and I think you need to focus on keeping your relationship stable rather than adding to the pressure. If I was her I would already feel a little betrayed by not being kept informed and I would certainly see a disclosure against my wishes as a definite betrayal and a mark of disrespect. I realise your wife might not feel betrayed by the debt secrets, we are all different, but she has expressly said she does not want them to know.

Aside from that your parents will feel pressure to help even if you reassure they don't need to, better wait until you are on target and you have properly got your heads around it. Then if they ask if something is wrong let them know a little.

Hope that doesn't sound too blunt. I know I am projecting a bit as my ex's parents were very involved in our lives and, whilst I didn't mind on the whole and still love them dearly, it felt like I was in a relationship with all of them at times.

I really don't mean to sound harsh and hope it comes across with kindness.

LJB290

I absolutely would never divulge my financial situation to my parents - they would be horrified, disgusted and it would change our relationship forever.

I do however, divulge the information to my mother in law who understands the issues of the day.

I would want to know about my own children - but that's because I understand the pressures and have experienced them firsthand. We do talk about money and hope we are educating them about the good, bad and ugly.

Only you can know whether telling your parents is a good or bad idea.
If you think they will worry - I would spare their feelings. Unfortunately as people get older they worry more and more about things they can do nothing about!

enthusiasticsaver

Why don't you start a debt free diary Dan? A lot of people find those very useful to record your progress and you can ask questions as you have been doing. You have very recently had your lbm and you will be putting many changes in place hopefully over the next few months and most people who read the diaries are either those who have been in your position so can give good advice about what works and what doesn't or people going through debt repayment like yourself. There are a few, like myself who have worked in credit control and feel we have useful advice to share.

A diary will also give you something to look back on when it gets tough, and it will and you will be able to see how far you have come.

lessonlearned

usernameisvalid wrote: »

I wouldn't either

If they are like us, we do whatever we can for our children. To find out they were in so much debt would worry us sick and we would we talking about jeopardising our own retirement to help our kids out causing stress and strain everywhere

The point is he doesn't gave to mention the "d" word at all and certainly not go into detail.

Just something along the lines of we are making a few changes to prepare for our future should be enough. His parents will be able to read between the lines.

I can guarantee that if they suddenly make changes to their spending habits, i.e. From splashing money around to being much more careful the parents will notice the change in lifestyle. How could they fail to notice when they see each other regularly.

If they don't know the reason behind the lifestyle changes they might assume the worst and worry even more.

It doesn't matter if the parents cant bail them out......I don't think they should anyway, even if they did have the money. The OP is an adult. Constantly bailing out adult children does them no favours in the long run.

Anyway, There's no need for financial help from the parents in this instance, the figures speak for themselves, the op and his partner have sufficient income to sort this out in a relatively short time. They've got it covered.

I can understand the ops partners point of view about not wanting his parents to know. I would feel the same if it were me. However, the op can handle this sensitively. He can let his parents know just enough to put their minds at rest without compromising his partners pride or dignity or betraying her trust.

There's no need for anyone to lose face.

Ps I too have worked in credit control and was licensed to give debt advice. It's always up to the individual of course but I always found some degree of transparency with families helped In debt situations.

It isn't necessary to divulge everything or go into any detail.