£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

Silver_Queen

TOPM, I understand what you are saying about your DC slowing things down when you're doing housework but can't you let them do something completely unrelated to what you're doing?

Your eldest is around 8ish, I believe? I think that is old enough to supervise the younger ones in doing simple tasks like tidying away their own toys, you could also give them a dustpan and brush and get them to run around a little bit with it. Obviously nothing with chemicals but things like making the beds together, sorting laundry into lights and darks...these are all simple tasks that they could do on their own, out of the way from you. It will help improve their responsibility skills as well as doing a tiny, tiny lightening of your own workload.

In regards to work/life balance, I think it is very important for you to have specific, set "me time". I know you said you always remember something, so maybe you can set your "me time" to three or four times a week rather than daily? That way if you forget to do something one day, you can just do it the next day when you don't have the "me time" organised.

mfmaybe

Lots of good ideas on here. Definitely start the kids with specific tasks. If their clothes aren't put away neatly, it doesn't really matter. And I think ArmchairExpert's post was very useful. I know you didn't want to do a DMP, which I fully respect; but one thing that most people who do it seem to say is that it makes them feel a lot calmer. The debt repayment is just a fixed amount; another line in the budget. So I'd suggest something like ACE said about working out the expenses budget, working out what would be a reasonable debt repayment amount; and then just working the hours required to meet that.

A couple of other thoughts - you mention ironing a lot! In this house, the only thing that gets ironed is DH's work shirts. Absolutely nothing else. So this is maybe an area that time could be free'd up. Sure, crisp sheets are lovely, but nobody died from a few creases. And I think over time the natural equilibrium of your (for want of a better word) standards, has reduced. The reasonable amount to spend on food, the uniqueness of the packed lunches. You're now looking at the activities. Over time these things are all likely to downshift a bit, and whilst I'd agree that quality of food shouldn't, there is plenty that still can. You said nothing had inspired you when you were looking at toys for Christmas. Have your kids asked for specific things? Would they even notice if the £ amount spent was less than previously? Have you tried second hand sites for toys?

The problem with all of it is that it does all take up head space; so I will repeat that I was struck by ACE's post about quanitifying the income tiers. You are genuinely trying to do it all, no wonder you feel knackered.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you have stumbled on the dilemma for every working mum. Once you cost in the childcare then often I have heard people tell me it is not worth working. I would have to say that if you cant meet your bills without working, even if you clear only a few hundred then most people have no choice especially single parents. It gets better and the advantage is the hours are set, you go elsewhere and aren't distracted by the kids while trying to work and your frame of mind is different and of course you get the financial benefits of a regular salary, paid sick leave and pension contributions. My 2 DDs were 2 and 3 when I went back to part time work albeit at several grades lower in my profession as I only could cope with part time working. My DH worked long irregular hours and was often awY from home so all childcare responsibilities fell on me. No tax credits then either and I felt thoroughly despondent at handing over 50% of my salary to a childminder but within 3 years they were both at school and the costs decreased. My daughter has the same issue now with a 2 year old and baby due next year and half her salary goes to nursery costs even with the voucher scheme and us and other grandparents doing 1 day childcare each week. They deliberately planned their second child to not be needing nursery care until free hours kicks in for my granddaughter in January 2020. I say to her as I do to you. It does get better and eventually you keep more and more of your salary.

The best way to work it out is quantifying it. How many self employed hours do you do now and how much income do you bring in and work out the amount per hour you are earning. Look at part time jobs you are able to do, do some research on childcare costs and ask grandparents if they are able to help. From that you can see what you would clear each month.

I strongly urge you not to use the ostrich approach coming up to Christmas. I have said so many times on this forum in the last few weeks. It is not worth going further into debt for Christmas even if you have done it every year so far up to now. £1000 extra debt when you are only managing to clear £300 or £400 a month is effectively putting your debt repayment plan back at least 2 or maybe 3 months. It will get harder to get long 0% deals next year and interest rates are rising. Set a budget and stick to it even if it is a small budget. It is one day.

I also agree with cutting back on ironing. Waste of time mostly apart from shirts and sometimes trousers but I find if I hang them from airer just after coming out of machine they often don't need ironing.

Cherryfudge

A couple of things that occurred to me, for what they're worth...

When I get to the point where I'm juggling too much, I also find I can't slow down effectively and need to get off the treadmill. Of course the treadmill doesn't allow for that unless we diarise it and make it non-negotiable. Could you have a day a week that's not for work of any description? You and the children would all benefit and you might find things don't pile up as much as you thought. After all, (mixed metaphor alert) if you are keeping a lot of plates spinning and put them down for a day, they don't magically grow another plate, they just get slightly dusty before you pick them up again.

Also you mentioned the children are very busy and that DC1's swimming is non-negotiable. It he can already swim a bit, could it be negotiable for say, a year? He won't lose the ability and he isn't likely to be unattended near deep water in that time - but he and you could have a little more time and save a bit more energy.

Just thoughts so please feel free to ignore if not appropriate.

Verbatim

So much sensible advice which I would reiterate. Let the children have set jobs, youngest pulling curtains & collecting post, all putting their things in dishwasher, washing in laundry basket, making bed, putting away toys, shoes, coats, books etc eldest/ middle one unloading dishwasher or washing machine hanging up laundry or putting in drier and removing and sorting for putting away. Or some of those any combination!
And yes you need to take care of yourself and sleep is very important.
As someone else said you have down shifted on packed lunches, after school clubs, and all having different breakfasts so now perhaps the children don't need school clothes ironing? Obviously when you have clients you can't look rumpled but otherwise?? Biggest danger could be your burning out.
You love a beautiful house and I can see it must be lovely but would it be better to have fewer scented candles and more time?
I was struck last year with how Bobarella sorted Christmas:it's basically a super Sunday. So a roast, albeit goose/turkey with extra trimmings and a special pudding and cake. She kept the day's food to the essentials and had a strict budget for everything.
Everything was going well for you with budgets but you have seemed a bit overwhelmed by Christmas lately and now say you have no choice but to put it on a cc. That would be a shame as it would put you back several months and could be disheartening leading to a s*d it moment and giving up.
I'm afraid I've said nothing original but felt I had to chip in. You're the most generous poster and I don't suppose I'm alone in thinking that you come across as a lovely person and wonderful mother. I look forward to reading your posts first thing and I rarely post (and always from my phone so it's difficult and slow) so feel I must contribute! I'm sure you could not have anything other than a super Christmas, even if you have less expensive and fewer presents.
Vx

armchairexpert

Getting my kids to help with housework is another of those things I only have the energy to do when I'm not in a rush and feeling burned out! It's not even just that they're a bit slower, it's having to persuade them, and then remind them when they get distracted, and somehow I'm constantly helping them find where the dishcloths are and plugging in the hoover for them and it isn't much quicker at all. There are a few jobs they love doing, though, so they can for example clean the bathroom counters and tidy the shampoo bottles and things on their own, and they'll run a vacuum cleaner around if I plug it in for them (they're 5 and 8, by the way), even though it's not a very thorough job.

Another thing we do (when I'm functioning well) is the Twenty Minute Tidy. After dinner but before they put their PJs on, we turn on the music and we all tidy/clean for 20 minutes. The girls do things like clear off the dining table or tidy their rooms or scrub the bathroom counters or empty the laundry baskets and we run a vacuum cleaner around the ground floor and clean the kitchen. You can get a lot done when it's all four of you, and it means I don't feel like it's all down to me.

But mainly, this is just the hard slog time of your life. You're taking your kids to classes and you're putting a freshly cooked family dinner on the table every night and you're keeping the house clean and all of those things add up to enough quality time with the kids, I reckon. Previous generations didn't expect themselves to sit down and do kid activities for hours. Yours can see you're around, get the chance to chat to you at dinner every night and presumably during all the running to classes (we chat a lot in the car!), get lots of quality time with their Dad as well, feel safe and loved and cared for.

Treadingonplaymobil

Week 40: Day 6

Thank you again to everyone who's taken the time to read and comment over the past couple of days. All food for thought and much appreciated.

Cumbria lass that's a good idea to try time-bounding household chores, maybe give myself half an hour each day and whatever isn't done at that stage has to survive until the next day. It would be a good firefighting technique in the short term even if it isn't sustainable forever.

Cocalls I'm definitely a little short on sleep. Not miles short, but I'm at my best with 7.5 hours (I don't naturally sleep for more than 8 ever really) and I'm getting more like 6.5 hours most nights. Enough to function but not really enough to keep me at maximum energy levels. I did make an effort to rectify that a few weeks ago (which lasted for about a week) and it definitely helped with my general feeling of coping. Will get at least one good night's sleep this weekend and try to prioritise that next week.

Silver Queen good idea to get them doing things like sorting the laundry piles etc. I'm sure if I put my mind to it there are odd little jobs that they could do. Particularly making the beds - DC1 often offers to make his bed, but usually when I'm halfway through it! I think I need to add in maybe just one job at a time and let it settle for a few days. Maybe I'll start with spending the time teaching them to make their beds. A manageable mission!

mfmaybe iron less :eek: :eek: :eek: ??? I joke, but actually I don't mind ironing, it's just a time thing. And I don't know whether our machine has a particularly vigorous spin or I am doing something wrong, but no matter how much I shake clothes out they look like total dishrags without ironing. DH's work clothes are the biggest pain, and they definitely have to be ironed. I don't make DH do them because he is painfully slow and I would rather he did something else useful like the washing up rather than glacial speed ironing. I've come a long way though - this year I have stopped ironing pyjamas and towels. I'm not even kidding.

enthusiasticsaver I've done the sums, and in a conventional job I couldn't bring in what I do now, unless I could find term time only work (which would inevitably be in a school/with children, which is my personal idea of hell). Before and after school childcare makes it bad enough, but the holiday childcare cripples the maths - we don't have any local relatives, or friends in a position or willing to help out with big chunks of it.

Cherryfudge a day a week with no work seems absolutely unimaginable, which suggests I should definitely be trying to make it happen. I'm wondering about trying to make Fridays work free. I already have DC3 during the day as she doesn't have preschool on a Friday, but so often I try to fit in work in the afternoon as DH is home a bit early on a Friday.

DC1's swimming - we have taken the leap of cancelling his swimming lessons and next week he is going to try the (cheaper) swim club which falls on a different day of the week. He isn't a strong swimmer so we don't want to stop his lessons for any length of time. DH is also going to kick up a fuss about DC2's progress - we pay a fortune for swimming lessons round here (£25 a month per child, year round), and the teachers are meant to fill in an online progress thing every week, and neither of the DCs' has been updated since very early October. I feel that if there genuinely hasn't been any progress at all since then that there's something wrong with the teaching! I talked to DH about him stopping swimming, but he is a far better swimmer than I am and says he had lessons until he was 12-ish. I am a really unconfident swimmer as I refused to go to lessons after the age of about 7, and I don't want the DCs to be in the same boat.

Verbatim thanks for your lovely comment . Christmas spends - I don't actually particularly go all out on food for Christmas. Last year we did a beef wellington on Christmas day, I'm thinking about a goose this year (how big is a goose?! There's only the 5 of us, but I'd like leftovers). It helps that the only meat meal we will have is probably Christmas day itself. And we're going to my mum's for new year - last year we hosted and had another big meal to cater. The presents and the decorating are the budget killers for me. I am keeping a tight record of it, and definitely managing slightly better than I did last year, but Christmas is never going to be my strong suit in MSE terms!

Armchairexpert thank you too for the nice comment. I hope the DCs see that I'm around, but I was reading something the other day about children actually experiencing the fact that their parents love them and want to spend time with them, rather than the parents' point of view of wanting to and feeling those emotions, but the child not actually having the experience of them, if that makes sense. Because obviously I needed to read a parenting blog to add more guilt to my life. MSE needs an eyeroll emoji.

Something DH mentioned yesterday, which I am going to try to implement, is blocking out a few days a month for client facing work - because bookings tend to be close to the day (i.e I might get a booking on a Monday for the coming weekend), I usually don't actually include client facing days when I'm planning my month out. So in my monthly work plan, that hypothetical Saturday is already filled with other work to do, then I have to fit in a client and juggle the work. I have worked out that I have an average of three short-notice client facing days a month, so I'm going to block off three days each month with no other work jobs in them - if I don't getting a booking, then I've got a bonus day, and if I do then there's no drama. I feel like each time DH and I make the time to sit down and chat about things I come up with one small thing to improve life (last time it was the making all the DCs the same breakfast, which has helped no end). I should make the time to talk to DH more often, he's quite smart!

Another thing I absolutely must do is stop putting so much on my to do list each day. I can't remember the last time I actually achieved everything on my list, and that's because when I write it in the morning I give myself more things to do than any human being could reasonably achieve in a day. Must must must stop doing this, as it's totally demoralising. I have basically crossed everything non-essential to life from my list, on the basis that if it's that important, a reminder will appear in my life at some stage.

Today is mostly about finishing up some work (yeah, not working on Fridays isn't off to a great start - I didn't finish my contract work yesterday, and that's the one non-negotiable piece of work) and packing to visit the parents in law this weekend. School disco hell tonight, then driving for four hours with three exhausted children so that we can have a full weekend at ILs'. Yay. It will actually be nice to get there tonight as we can relax tomorrow (although MIL has generously booked ice skating for us all. I'll update you all when I've broken a limb or two ). I am trying to take knitting and sewing and minimal work, in the hope of relaxing a little.

On the debt front, I have realised I am feeling very powerless there too because of the up-in-the-air nature of the remortgage, which will affect our finances so much if it happens. Not knowing the numbers definitely isn't helping, and it's meaning I'm losing focus on the repayment and spending a bit more frivolously again (not badly, don't worry. I bought some wool and have gone over the food budget the last couple of weeks. I haven't bought a new car or anything). Also I am not feeling enormously confident in my Christmas budgeting skills and am worried we'll overspend, which makes me just want to go f*&% it and spend All The Money so I can stop thinking about it. I'm aware this isn't a hugely helpful response .

To do today
1. pack for ILs' trip.
2. have a merciless sort of the ironing pile, put away anything possible and iron what's left. I'm actually going to do that the minute I post this - I have about 45 minutes before I need to make breakfast.
3. finish contract work for the week.
4. Try not to add anything else to my list!

To do this week
1. declutter and tidy utility room - it is such a dumping ground.
2. put advent calendar together.
3. do some Christmas shopping.
4. Christmas knitting.
5. pull out the Christmas decorations and see what we need - I have a vague recollection that we are totally lacking in house decorations, although we have some lovely tree decs. We are going to get a smaller tree this year though, so maybe I'll just use tree baubles throughout the house so they get used. Done, we're actually doing better than I expected.

To do this month
1. Keep the total spend at the budgeted level - it's high on YNAB this month (£3,842) as it includes the £470 paid off the MBNA card and all our savings pots are actually budgeted. This is not going well.
2. Keep a tight record of Christmas spends so I can ensure it sticks to budget as far as possible. Ongoing.
3. Keep beavering away at my business goals. Ongoing.
4. Make some candles - we've run out! And I know one person really wants another one for Christmas, so will add it to her hyacinth. Done! Although I'll probably use them up and need to make more before Christmas.[/QUOTE]

System

Try and have a relaxing weekend with your DH and DC. I think between all the comments people have made and your DH you will find a happy medium. Your DH is the person who knows you best and how you work so am not surprised he has been most helpful.

Don't you think though that when things aren't quite right within yourself , home, work etc this is as you say let's give up on being MSE and start spending. I feel it's the same for a lot of people.
I like wool but recently have bought mine from Aldi , it is has been perfectly ok for the reason needed. I do like a bit of Rowan occasionally though.
Swimming with DC's , I have been involved with swimming over the past 20 years , as a parent like yourself , then helping out at the local swimming club as secretary , treasurer . I made many new friends this way whilst the children were young. As they got older they joined the local swimming squad and competed at county and national events. DS carried on until 18 . We got up at 5am for early morning training , they travelled around the uk and Europe swimming in competitions . As they had training in the evenings as well they had to be very organised with homework . I am convinced that doing this through there teen years kept them from being bored, definitely helped them be organised and they are still both very fit people. DS got his first job as a lifeguard through his swimming. Sorry for rambling on but just saying if your children enjoy swimming keep them in it for as long as you can.

Sea_Shell

Good Morning TOPM

As much as we love reading your diary, and I'm sure you love posting on it. It must take you quite a while to read what everyone has replied, type out your post, re-read, check for typos, edit, and post, unless you are the worlds fastest typist (and thinker).

Radical I know, but.......How about giving the diary a weeks "time-out" :eek::eek:and seeing how much extra time that gives you. We'll live!!!!

Even if your daily posts only take say 20 mins....it sounds like that time would be better spent on you and your family rather than on "us".

Anyway...i'm just thinking out loud.

Suffolk_lass

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Good Morning TOPM

As much as we love reading your diary, and I'm sure you love posting on it. It must take you quite a while to read what everyone has replied, type out your post, re-read, check for typos, edit, and post, unless you are the worlds fastest typist (and thinker).

Radical I know, but.......How about giving the diary a weeks "time-out" :eek::eek:and seeing how much extra time that gives you. We'll live!!!!

Even if your daily posts only take say 20 mins....it sounds like that time would be better spent on you and your family rather than on "us".

Anyway...i'm just thinking out loud.

Nooo! :eek: Of course this is sensible but at this point? I think the support is really important and the thoughts are really positive.

So I get that your To-Do list to free up a bit of time so far is

1. Teach children to make their own beds
2. Rationalise the ironing mountain
3. Set aside time for client-facing days
4. Take that head out of the sand and check out Christmas food prices - see below!

Here are my suggestions -
1. - Teach the two minute tidy at the same time. Pick up any toys not put away, and put them in the right place
2. Have you got a tumble drier? I tumble for ten minutes at the start of drying then put everything on hangars to dry - creases drop out - if space to hang is an issue, try tumble at the end (or blast with a hairdryer as every regular hotel-room user will recognise) to remove those last few creases (I know, I have no standards, compared with you! )
3. Combine with spend family time-out to chill or just be - not just when you have no client - plan these too and look at those inexpensive things you do on your camping holidays as family treat days - built into Christmas in your advent calendars or children's stockings if they don't have a toy list?
4. goose is wonderful, delicious, produces beautiful fat for future use - but, v expensive for the amount of meat and five to six is what they normally feed - with only pickings left. If that is your thing, maybe get a small turkey crown to put in with it and then you will have masses of leftovers, cooked in the beautiful tasty drippings. I am looking at Morries frozen small one for £14 if that helps