in a complete mess

civic16

Just dont know where to start, its taken me quite a few weeks just to write the mess i'm in down and acknowledge the face i have a serious debt problem.
I'm ashamed to say i dont even know the exact amount or who i owe what, i suspect its in the region of £35000.
Things came to a head where i overheard my 10 year son asking my wife why dad was so sad and grumpy all the time, i could have cried as i know myself that i'm not the same person that i was 2-3 years ago. I hardly laugh anymore, dont want to socailise and seem to spend every waking minute worrying about how i'm going to get out of this. I feel ashamed & embrassed that i'm not a good dad or husband as i cant provide for my family. I admit i keep putting facing the facts and just bury my head in the sand and try to wish the problems away.
In terms of my finances, i pay a chunk of my wages into a joint account - its this that pays the mortgage & utility bills etc, but every single penny i have left is taken by credit card & loan payments. I realised its bad when my wife asked me to get some food shopping and realised that the only way i could pay for it was with my credit card - its was only £ 23 of shopping for christs sake.
Looking at other peoples posts has helped me as i know realise that i'm not alone - you know what i mean, its not something you take about with your mates etc and it kind of feels that you are the only person who has this problem.
I don't know and understand who i can turn to for help, there's all these things like iva & dmp's that i dont understand. Can anyone point me in the right direction to help me take action

StokieBecks

First of all well done for posting. That is a massive hurdle over with.

Seciondly take a deep breath. We are all here to support and advise best we can.

Are you up to date with all your priority bills (mortgage, council tax, utilities etc)? And then are you up to date with credit card payments etc?

To get an idea what you owe you need to be brave and have a look at statements for all accounts, find out your rates of interest and also have a look at noddle, clearscore and experian (order the £2 statuory report don't sign up for monthly) and see what is being reported.

What were the credit cards and loans used for? Do you have anything to show for the debts?

More experienced posters will help more and will no doubt recommend you complete a statement of affairs to see whats coming in/going out and can be trimmed as everyone's circumstancea are different.

You are most definitely not alone and are in a goodplce to get advice

Sadie23

I'm sure one of the experienced forum members will come along and give you some sterling advice, including completing a statement of affairs then posting it so we can see what you are working with.


http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php


however, what I will say to begin with is well done for acknowledging where you stand. Debt is terribly lonely if you don't get help, but rest assured you are not alone!

MrsTinks

Remember there is no debt problem that can't be solved, it may not be quick or easy but it CAN be solved.

Post up your SOA (format for MSE and copy paste it in here) and have a read of the MSE guide to Debt: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

Your exact circumstances will dictate what route you will be better of taking so before we start talking DMPs and IVAs etc then we really need the numbers to see where we're at

You can do this!

nkkingston

Have you talked about it with your wife? She's there to share the emotional burden with you, and it's going to be a lot easier to move forward if everyone's on the same page and working to the same budget. Often when one partner has debt and the other hasn't it's because the household budget isn't balanced, so it needs to be tackled as a household.

National_Debtline

Hi civic16 and welcome to MSE,


I would like to share what the other posters have said already and agree that a SOA is the best place to start.

I wonder, from your message, if your wife is fully aware of the situation you are in or if you are battling this alone? You mentioned that you pay a big chunk of your money to the household expenses, does your partner work? Can she take on more of the day to day expenses to help you?


Essentially, if you cannot maintain the minimum payments on everything (essentially robbing Peter to pay Paul) then you may have to look at re-negotiating to pay the debts what you can manage. This could mean breaking the agreement and paying less than the minimum payments. A Debt Management Plan or an IVA may help, but what you need to consider with these options is the risk factor. IVA's have a higher risk to your home if you can't maintain the payments.


But, one step at a time, start with a SOA and we can go from there.


Laura
@natdebtline

civic16

Thanks guys for the responses - I just felt i was going to cause myself some serious illness if i didn't try to start lifting this burden off my shoulders.
firstly i confessed to my wife about 18 months ago but i really didn't let on how bad things were then & they've just got worse. I just didn't want to burden her with my mistakes & felt shes got enough on her plate with our two kids (10 & 12).
I've made sure that the priority bills are covered so things like the mortage, utility bills are paid upto date and we've not missed a payment on any or them. My wife works part time as much as she can but its been difficult with the kids at school. I suppose now they are getting abit older there is scope in the next couple of years for her to work some more hours but at the moment, she can't pay any more into the joint account to ease some of what i need to pay in.
This is the worse bit, in answer to what has it been spent on ? nothing - well i've got nothing to show for it as such. We dont got made on holidays - we do Sun holidays £ 9.99 & go camping, we have a 7 year old car worth about 4k & like i said i've realised i've become abit of a hermit in terms of i dont go out with my mates much anymore - probably as i'm embarrassed to tell them i can't afford drinks & meals out etc.
i've purchased the £ 2 credit report as the main reason is i cant remember how much i owe, but have just sat the last few nights looking at the login in page, afraid to go into it for fear of what i'll find. I'm going to do it tonight and try and start this SOA thing, then do i post it on here?

Ezra123

Hi, civic16,

I was in the same boat as you not long ago, and after separating from my partner things become extremely difficult.

With that said, your not alone facing the debt problem and once you start a plan, once you start writing everything down, calling the credit card companies to re-negotiate your re-payments, reshuffle your house hold expenditure, start meal planning, you'll start seeing a huge change.

Everyone in this forum has been extremely helpful and we're all here for because of the same reason, and that's to fight our debt, make friendships through a supportive community, and ultimately, start taking back control.

Good luck with the big step, we will all support you where we can.

Ez

Ezra123

civic16 wrote: »

Thanks guys for the responses - I just felt i was going to cause myself some serious illness if i didn't try to start lifting this burden off my shoulders.
firstly i confessed to my wife about 18 months ago but i really didn't let on how bad things were then & they've just got worse. I just didn't want to burden her with my mistakes & felt shes got enough on her plate with our two kids (10 & 12).
I've made sure that the priority bills are covered so things like the mortage, utility bills are paid upto date and we've not missed a payment on any or them. My wife works part time as much as she can but its been difficult with the kids at school. I suppose now they are getting abit older there is scope in the next couple of years for her to work some more hours but at the moment, she can't pay any more into the joint account to ease some of what i need to pay in.
This is the worse bit, in answer to what has it been spent on ? nothing - well i've got nothing to show for it as such. We dont got made on holidays - we do Sun holidays £ 9.99 & go camping, we have a 7 year old car worth about 4k & like i said i've realised i've become abit of a hermit in terms of i dont go out with my mates much anymore - probably as i'm embarrassed to tell them i can't afford drinks & meals out etc.
i've purchased the £ 2 credit report as the main reason is i cant remember how much i owe, but have just sat the last few nights looking at the login in page, afraid to go into it for fear of what i'll find. I'm going to do it tonight and try and start this SOA thing, then do i post it on here?

Hi, civic16,

Great step in the right direction, things will only get better once you face this head on.

Yes, please post your SOA (statement of affairs here) so we can help and support your next steps.

Ez

MrsTinks

At 10 and 12 there is no reason your wife can't have a full time job too - I'm sorry but I think you need to discuss this.

I have a 7 year old daughter and both my husband and I work full time. We are better off with a few hours with the child minder at the end of each day and me having a FT job. Most schools now have a plethora of after school clubs and wrap around care. Many till 6:30pm - most even have breakfast clubs. I'm not saying this is ideal but you may need to try and look for solutions in places you hadn't so far.

You need to work out where the over spending has happened and if it's simply because 1 1/2 incomes have not been enough then you and your wife both need to accept this and work together to resolve it.

You need to look at that credit report - in fact all 3 of them. Until you know the size of the problem it will be insurmountable - you cannot expect yourself or anyone to solve the unknown. Yes it may well be unpleasant, but once you know and once you the the SOA then you will start to be able to structure your approach, to manage your priorities and address the problems.

Sit down with her and put together the complete SOA so the folks here can see where there might be room to cut back, where you can juggle and what the best solution forward is - good luck

enthusiasticsaver

I think you need to sit down with your wife and complete the soa. If there is a shortfall then your wife should be doing additional hours. Presumably you have been spending more than your income for a while if it is up at £35k for nothing in particular and you have consolidated debt a few times?