Am I doing the right thing..??

zippygeorgeandben

Welcome to the forums.
Lots of good friendly non judgemental advice on here.
It sounds like you have wonderfully supportive parents. You put in an earlier post that you feel that everything is against you. I know it may sometimes seem like that at times however if I can be so bold to say that it's amazing that you have supportive parents who are allowing you to live rent free in an independent is fortunate. Comparing this to many other situations I read on here, you are lucky to have this.
I'd keep your nails but perhaps could you get them done every 6 weeks instead of 4? I'm a man so don't know how 'essential' they are but I guess that looking at them everyday brings happiness to you.
I'd also put the 100k to the back of your mind and pretend it doesn't exist at the moment from your parents. As a spender myself, it could be tempting to think that eventually you will get bailed out. I'm not saying you would, I'm just saying it may have crossed your mind.
It's not an astronomical amount to be in debt. You're facing up to it. EMBRACE the challenge! Be positive. What's happened in the past has happened. It cannot be changed. Save pennies everywhere! I've told my partner off for not claiming £2.99 back from his place of work for something he bought for them. It all adds up.
Good luck and keep us all updated.

Countdown_has_begun

Thank you both for looking over my SOA and for your advice. I was so nervous about posting on here at all, let alone post my SOA (it's like being naked in front of people - you can't hide anything and you almost shut your eyes lol) because I thought people would judge and think I was just a spoiled brat. However, everybody has been so non-judgemental and supportive. I don't want people to think I'm Daddy's little princess who spends loads on clothes, shoes and handbags, has a little handbag dog and has no grip reality, because this couldn't be further from the truth. I have worked since I was 15 and my parents have always taught me the value of money and that manners cost nothing. My Mum is a financial advisor (obviously I don't take after her!) and extremely good with money. Whilst they have let me live at home for low rent, they would never (and I would never expect them to) bail me out of debt. This is my mess and I want to get myself out of it and make myself, and my parents, proud. So many times I think to myself 'if only you hadn't got yourself into this mess' 'all that money you could have saved' but I guess there is no point ruminating anymore.

I have an older sister (5 years older) that has a good job (double my salary), doesn't suffer from a mental illness, has a partner with a 6 figure salary, lives in an amazing house, drives a prestige car and the mother of my beautiful niece. So it's hard not to feel like a failure in comparison. I know you will say that money isn't everything, doesn't mean you're happy and you're right, but it represents success (to me anyway) and I have always compared myself to her since I was little and always felt I never matched up. I have friends who have met their soulmates, had an amazing wedding, have beautiful children, own their own homes and successful in their careers and then there's me. I guess I just spent the money to buy nice things for the flat, a nice car etc. to try and convince people that I was just as successful. The reality is I tried to live up to people that were in a whole different league and I should have realised that I was getting in way over my head.

I love my parents unconditionally and there aren't enough words to express how grateful I am to have their financial (letting me live temporarily rent free) and emotional support. I want to be there for them later in life, like they have been for me and in some way pay them back. I know there are people much less fortunate than me that sadly no longer have a parent (or both). I think they only drawback in being so close to your parents, is what I'm going to do when they are not around anymore. Ever since I was small, I used to cry at the thought of them dying and its just gotten worse. Sometimes I have panic attacks about it and try to block it from my mind.

Sorry, I digressed a lot there! I did think the food budget was high and told Stepchange £150, but they encouraged me to up it as they said £150 wasn't a lot! I shop at ASDA, as I feel that's reasonable, but I have heard that ALDI and Lidl are good. Unfortunately, my nearest ALDI is about 20 miles away, but i
have a Lidl quite close, so I might try that.

Thank you for being understanding about the nails and I have started to have them done every 4 weeks instead of every two (like I used to) and started to do them myself in-between appointments to 'freshen' them up. I suffer with OCD and just like things to look and nice and perfect (if that exists!)

The thing I'm most worried about is what this DMP will do to my credit rating and getting a mortgage after it's finished, but I just don't think I would have paid it off without doing a DMP or I still would be paying it back at 75! and just like a bad credit rating ruins your chances of getting a mortgage, so does having debt!! so it's a catch 22. I guess time will be the biggest healer, I just didn't want to be getting mortgage in 10 years when I'm 45!

Thank you to everyone, I will keep trying and repeating the dieting motto 'nothing tastes as good as slim feels!' :-)

enthusiasticsaver

I would not worry about the mortgage situation at this point. That is way in the future and it gives you a goal to aim for. You need to learn new habits. You are obviously suffering from a lack of confidence but you have a job with a not unreasonable salary. Try not to keep measuring yourself up against others particularly if you have an overachieving sister I realise this may not be easy as you have probably been doing it your whole life. You have other assets though, you sound like a really nice person, your parents love and support you and you are trying to get yourself out of this mess rather than just expecting your parents to bail you out so you are stronger than you think you are.

New habits could be

Keep a spending diary and record every spend - no matter how small (your OCD will help with this) and maybe set up some spreadsheets with goals - get to a certain level of debt by this date and so on.

Start savings accounts - one for emergency savings and one for fun savings. Something to look forward to but saving for it rather than putting it on a card. Another one for car and house expenses would be a good idea.

Deal only in cash. Cut up cards. Make a weekly cash withdrawal and stick to it for fuel, food, entertainment. If you have the money to get your nails done then you know it is within your budget.

September 2019 is not that far away and if you get on board with budgeting and can see the progress made with reducing your debt it will soon go.

angelpye

I am just popping in to say that the alternative way of looking at the mortgage situation is that many people your age are saving deposits still so if your parents are willing to give you a deposit you are not behind. This debt repayment is like your deposit saving...once its done you can buy a house. And once you have repaid you will have learned to live frugally and will be in a good place.

Sometimes turning things on their head helps with my depression so hopefully this in some way helps you. You can do this!

angelpye

Oh and just to say when I took out my mortgage my credit rating was shocking but I had paid my debts and had a good loan to value deposit (approx 48%). A no fee (as they earn commission) mortgage advisor found be a high street mortgage that wasn't too bad on interest rates for me.

I shared that so you can see its not impossible. You income was the same as mine at the time but I had dependents so my affordability was affected by that.

Focus on now, forgive yourself for making some errors and do what you can to save. Hang around on here and it truly helps to not feel like the only one.

Countdown_has_begun

Enthusiasticsaver - Thank you so much for your kind comments. You're right, I do lack confidence and I have always compared myself to my sister, it's something I've done all my life, so it's hard to stop. You're also right about the mortgage and I guess I'm worrying about things too far ahead (I do that a lot and get told off for doing it by friends and family all of the time!) I need to take one thing at a time.
I love your suggestions of new habits to get into. I have already set up a savings account, but I love the idea of setting goals and I do like a good spreadsheet! A friend also suggested about the cash only budget and you know where you are with things. My basic account doesn't have contactless and I'm glad about this, as I used to pay contactless a lot and I found you forget about the transaction and then remember 4 days later when it comes out of your account!!

Angelpye - Thank you so much, that's very encouraging to hear. When I went to Natwest the advisor did a soft search and said that as long as I had cleared my debt then it looked likely that I would be accepted, but I have a feeling it will be a lot harder than that. I am just trying to expect the worse so that I'm not disappointed. Still, at least I know I will never be homeless and just need to remember that time is the biggest healer.

Thank you so much to both you for all your support, it means a lot.

MrsTinks

Remember everyone is different - in my family I'd be your sister because I have all those things (even the daughter LOL) - although your sister earns way more than me

However my extremely talented older step sister is the pretty one, the model and the one that OWNS any photo she's in. I don't think I've ever not wished I were as pretty as she is. On the other hand it turns out she has always wished she had the direction I have in my focus - something I certainly never thought of myself as having!!! I still don't know what I want to do in life!
Turns out that we both wished for things in each others lives and sometimes forgot to see what we had in our own.

Mortgage etc - it sounds like you will actually be pretty well placed when you pay your debts off - I think most people probably won't have that much equity in their houses by that age so I wouldn't worry about that.

Nails - You have to allow SOME treats - if you don't then what's the point in working so hard?

However that doesn't mean you can't shop around and even check if there are trainees who might do them for cost

I stopped having my shellac done because prolonged it does damage your nails. So now I actually use Avon's gel nail varnish and I have to say it's amazing! OK fine I don't get a hand massage, but I can change my colour when I get bored a lot quicker and it lasts as well as most gels varnishes.

Keep the £200 food budget but any that you don't spend - stick aside for a possible Full and Final offer later

It looks like on paper you can afford your debts, but in reality you can't. Getting the creditors to default you will be trickier as you're making the minimum payments by the looks of things. You may find that Stepchange will get a little sticky about this - you may find doing a self managed DMP could be the way forward.

If you did then we could build a few more expenses in to your budget (like rent) and force the defaults on your accounts. Once defaulted then you have a hard line for the 6 years on your credit file. Any money you don't pay in rent you can save up for overpaying later or making Full & Final offers down the line.

EssexHebridean

Someone once said "Comparisons are Odious" if I'm not mistaken - I'd go one further - they're poisonous. Your sister is herself. you are you. I'd be massively surprised if there isn't aspects of you that she wishes she possessed - as Mrs T says this is just the nature of things! (And frankly if she doesn't, and thinks her life is perfect, then I'd be inclined to say that you sound like the nicer person, so there you go!)

Depression is a b***h - no getting away from it. Try to start learning your triggers, and the things that come free of charge which help. For example this winter has been a million times better for me than previous years because I discovered that simply going out for 15 - 20 minutes of fresh air at lunchtime makes a HUGE difference to me. I quite simply need that daylight, I only wish I'd found that out sooner.

On the SOA - groceries are the obvious area that shows as high as has already been said. A suggestion - why not look to cut that back a bit, and then see if you can finance having your nails done out of further savings? So maybe cut back the grocery budget to £170, then see if you can save a further £30 on it to cover the nails cost - that way you get the nails done guilt free, AND you have a bit extra to throw at your debts?

You haven't got anything for car maintenance in there at the moment - best to budget for servicing, MoT and especially tyres as it looks like you do quite high mileage. Give Martin's "Driving economically" guide on the main site a read too - lots of good tips in there.

Don't focus on expecting the worst on the mortgage at the moment - you're just dragging yourself down. You can't know what the situation will be in a few years time anyway so for now focus on sorting the debts out and remind yourself that every time you can put a bit extra aside towards Full & Finals you're helping your future self out. Anything you can save on clothes can also go to that savings pot too - I bet you don't *need* to spend £34 a month, do you?

Your monthly medical costs look on the high side - if it's prescriptions would a pre-paid certificate help you out on that front at all?

Make sure where you've budgeted for things monthly that are actually paid annually that you do put the money aside - likewise the emergency fund - make sure that money gets shuffled straight out into savings as soon as you get paid. Personally I'd open a further savings account that you can think of as your "future freedom" fund - and put any odd savings you make towards the F&F's in there - that way you have the incentive of seeing the sum you've saved grow.

Countdown_has_begun

MrsTinks - Thank you so much for all your advice and putting my mind at rest about the mortgage. It's nice to speak to someone 'the other side of the fence' so to speak. I guess my sister may be envious about some things in my life (although nothing springs to mind! lol), but I just wish I was successful and right now I just feel that I'm a failure.

I currently have something called SNS on my nails and it's a bit more expensive than acrylic (which I used to have) but last longer. I could cut costs and go back to acrylic, but that just wrecks your nails. If I had great nails to start with then I would definitely just do shellac/gel myself at home, as I'm quite good at stuff like that.

"It looks like on paper you can afford your debts, but in reality you can't" - This is so true. I was just struggling to make the minimum repayments and I would have been paying the debts back till I was 70 at that rate! I went online once and did a credit card repayment calculator and it worked out that paying just over the minimum meant that I wouldn't clear my balance till 2047!

I did wonder about the whole default thing and I asked Stepchange, but they were a little cagey about it and didn't really offer much advice on the subject. I said that I want to default because I'd read that it's better to do that, than be in an arrangement plan, but they seemed to think it was the reverse. I feel like it's unfair for me to give my creditors basically I would be paying anyway and it still trash my credit file, when someone can pay them a lot less and come out of it better off! It makes no sense. This is why I wondered about bankruptcy. It seems that once you've been declared bankrupt and discharged (after approx a year) then you can start building up your credit again. however, it seems that bankruptcy comes with longer term problems. I assumed a default was worse than an AP, but it seems that's not the case. I could always phone Stepchange and say that I need to start paying rent again and then it would prompt my creditors to default me, but I'm just worried about the CCJs.

Essexhibrideans - I agree totally about comparing yourself to others, I'm really bad for it and for some reason never feel good about just being me. It's not just material things, it's in every way. I've been with the same company for 12 years and everybody seems to be overtaking me in the company. I really feel that my depression has affected me progressing (even though work say it's not the case) and that they think I'm stupid and incapable - I just feel a failure.

It is a b***h and unfortunately some people just don't get it and that's when it gets even harder. Sometimes I feel so lonely and all I have is myself to try and pull myself out of it. It's like expecting your worst enemy to be your therapist! I agree and think that exercise is amazing for the endorphins and even just getting fresh air makes you feel good. I'm really good at the weekends (and some days when I WFH), as I go out walking with my dogs (my Mum and Dad have them whilst I am at work as the Springer is theirs and I have my little Cockapoo, love of my life!) and they need exercise so it forces me out. I'm a keen walker though and very lucky to live in beautiful countryside. However, I'm rubbish at taking lunch if I'm in the office and sometimes work right through without lunch at all. I am very lucky to have the river a short stroll from where I work, so in the Summer I try to get out. However, I think I might try what you suggest and at least get a bit of fresh air for 15-20 mins at least.

This is true. I'm terrible at focusing at stuff too far ahead. I'm a meticulous planner and hate not having control over situations.

Yeah, this is for my prescriptions and my contact lenses. What's the pre-paid certificate?

A few people have mentioned about opening a further savings account and I think I will do this. You're right about not putting money aside each month for things paid annually. This is the first month on my DMP and I have already put my £45 (for all my annual stuff) into my savings account. However, If I had "Future Freedom" account then I could put anything left over at the end of the month in there. I am hoping to put at £150 in there a month, but I don't want to aim too high and set myself up for a fall.

Thank you so much for all your support, I know I keep saying it, but this forum is a God send and everyone has come up with such good advice.

angelpye

It sounds like you are getting your head around it.

Without wishing to sound patronising but as someone who suffers with low mood quite often: Try and eat regularly as I notice I crash more when I don't make sure I do eat even if I don't feel that hungry. I often take leftovers or a simple sandwich that I pack whilst I cook in the evening for the next day - routines are key for me and I also don't notice the time it takes as I am in the kitchen anyway. I sometimes make overnight oats as well to have as breakfast when I first arrive. I find anything I can do to make my life more simple means I have head space for other stuff - if my head gets too full I am more likely to become low.

You will find ways that make your life easier or cuts your budget and fit in for you, its just trying things and working out what sacrifices and changes work.