decided i really dont ike my "kids"

karcher

No not everyone has a good family life. You are far from alone.

How things 'seem' and how things 'really are' can be oceans apart.

You love your children, and have done your best for them, but as grown adults they are responsible for their own actions... it doesn't mean you have to like them.

Be kind to yourself, because you are most definitely not alone.

System

Kids are great when they are little.

VJsmum

My mum once said that all you can say to your kids is "I love you, I just don't like everything that you do"

It's only recently that it has occurred to me that she was probably talking about me

:rotfl:

I feel a bit like that about my sister. I love her dearly but crikey she can be flaky...

Franalamadingdong

Families are all screwy, some just hide it well. I do agree with the idea of no longer bailing them out all the time. My grandad does this for my uncle and I tell him you may as well stab him as it's all just going on drugs. My parents made clear that they're not bailing my brother out again. I know if I needed help I could ask them, but I wouldn't want to and try to make sure I don't have to, I have also offered to help them before with cash flow and I help doing things at their houses and if I asked they'd help me with jobs at mine. I look after their dog regularly and they help out with childcare in the holidays (but I have a childminder too). Basically I help them, and they help me, and I am raising my son to understand that you help your family.

With all that though, I have a brother and an uncle who are utterly useless and rather disconnected from the family and my parents' parents aren't really involved and prefer to do things for show. If no one knows what they're doing (as in gifting money etc) then it's not worth doing. One would travel to Ireland to see family, but declared that we live too far for him to come, mostly because the extended family wouldn't see/know.

So, yep, they all have their issues even if no one talks about it. You can't control what they do, but you can decide on how you act. If they sponge off you and you don't like it, don't give them money. If you don't like that your son does see/help with his kids then tell him so. You can't make him do it, but you can give him some hometruths if you're willing to deal with the possible reprocussions.

GreyQueen

A bloke of my acquaintance says ruefully of his adult daughter; I love her, I'd defend her to the death, but I find it really hard to like her.

I'm childfree by choice but have always been awed by the guts of people who have children with no guarantees of what kind of person they're going to get at the other end.

I always joke that we call 'em nuclear families because they're potentially unstable, prone to explosion and the fallout covers a wide area and lasts for a long time.

YORKSHIRELASS

I know this is a really simplistic view but if they are 24 and 27 can you take a little step away from them? Say I will always be your parent but I cant bail you out financially and I cant let you rule my life/make me feel so unhappy.

I dont think you are a freak of nature and I agree with others that most families are not perfect despite what social media would have you believe. Parenting is tough no matter what the age of your children.

Hard_Up_Hester

Families, bloody nightmare most of them.
There was a brawl at my mother in law's funeral, my ex brother in law upset his son at his granddaughters funeral.
2of my kids don't speak to their dad, I haven't seen one of my son's for 2 years, I only see my younger son lots now he's got cats and he needs a sitter.
One of my daughter's is bipolar.
My family is far from perfect.

kippers

I think you were very brave to write your post......im sure its what a lot of people think about their children ( especially adult children) but just darent say it, so well done you.

If you think about it logically it is the same with parents, we love them but quite often dont actually like them.....a lot of people dont see their parents for months at a time for this reason.....its the same with our adult children.

We do our best to bring them up, showing them what we believe in and what we honestly think is the right way to live but it is their decision whether they agree with us in later life. So dont beat yourself up, i bet there are plenty of people that feel the way you do about their own adult children.....the difference is you have been brave enough to admit it

:T:T:T:T:T

TiredTrophy

Just find yourself short of money when they ask, avoiding a row...'good heavens, did you see the price of elec tricity, the house insurance just came in this month etc'. Don't give the grandkids pocket money...so they do not expect it.
You can make one off offers of help like a new pair of shoes in the sales if you must, bake a cake when you visit etc. The odd babysit if that's your thing.
I would then try to stick to regular but not frequent contact and concentrate on your own friends.

VfM4meplse

OP, out of interest how do you feel about your grandchildren?

A good relationship independent of your offspring with them might draw you closer to your own children (if that's what you want).