Dad/Daughter Relationship Breakdown

Sambella

if the resident parent is pulling all strings, getting the kids to lie and such like then the non resident parent is on a hiding to nothing. Shame on the resident parent for using kids in this way. It's worrying what kind of adults these kids may turn into if they think lying is ok.

I never got any. My kids have a relationship with their Dad. I stay out of it. Their Dad lives in england and we live in N Ireland so there was never any weekly contact. They stay in touch via phone and my lads (now grown up) go over from time to time paying for themselves to do so. I've learnt to bite my tongue regularly and often.

I managed just fine financially without receiving any maintenance.

To the OP find out what you should be paying via the CMS pay it regularly and on time. I cannot tell you what to do regarding contact but you can perhaps tell the kids that your door is always open and maybe when they are older they will seek you out and you can all tak and sort out issues in a calm manner? The situation they are in now is not good for them either.

justontime

T4i don't give up, your children will grow up and in time they will make their own decisions. My husband was in a similar situation with his children (one was not his biological child but he always paid child support for her too because in every way that counted she was his). It was a similar story, their mum played games, made contact v difficult and of course held the trump card because she could deny contact with the non biological child so that was often used as a threat. There were some very dark times and my husband carried a deep sadness for many years.

Anyway they are grown now, making their own choices and happily seeing their dad as often as they want. He now pays (over the CMS rate) through a private agreement for the youngest who is 18 and studying and we still help the other two financially in various ways. For their sake as well as yours please don't give up and don't reject them, it may take time but the power games will stop and the children will need you. Until then you may have to accept less contact than you would like, but do all you can to keep the lines of communication open and make sure that they know that they are loved and wanted.

FBaby

Sorry, when they and the mother are causing a mental breakdown then it's time to put yourself first

Reading this made me so angry. Giving up on what is best for your children just because you can't cope with their mother when they are means to ensure you have little to do with them. So so selfish....

My ex made my life a misery from the mental manipulation he was putting me through and like many separated parents, I too wished to never ever have to think/see/deal with him. However, as a child of divorced parents myself, with a very strong attachment to my dad despite the issues that he and my mum faced, I knew that the priority for the welfare of my children was for them to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I back down on absolutely everything, however upsetting it was that it meant he was 'winning' all around. I asked for no maintenance, I agreed to his choice of contact days, I drove them back and forth every week-end and paid for it myself, and I said nothing when he manipulated the kids to believe that he was hard done by. That's even part of it all.

12 years later, I wouldn't change a thing because I have happy and well balanced children and that's priceless. I can look back and know that even when they think I am a horrible mother (ie. when I ask them to do chores being typical teenagers), I have been a good mother.

To manage my MH, I did everything to minimise contact as much as possible. I stopped talking to him all together, and even stopped texts, only using emails. At first he often sent me abusive texts/emails, but he got used to me not responding/rising to it and gave up. As the kids got old enough, all necessary communication went through them.

At times it still got frustrating, especially when they got back from Christmas with tons of presents when he supposedly couldn't afford any maintenance, but even that doesn't bother anymore and I now changed my mindset to think that at least they get some Christmas presents.

All this to say that stopping all contact with your own children and blaming it on the relationship with the mother is dreadful and just a poor excuse. Contact can be sorted in court, communication can be done through a third party. All that needs to be left is picking up/dropping the children at contact time which can be done without any words. It doesn't matter what the other parent says to the children. What is a lie can be denied appropriately and the rest ignore. Children are not stupid and it doesn't take them long to understand the games parents play. It also doesn't take them long to judge a parent who gives up on them with poor excuses.

Lily-Rose_3

thorsoak wrote: »

WRONG! Children do not get over rejection - and as for the mental anguish of the OP he is responsible for the very existence of one of these poor children and has presumably been in the other child's life for a very long time.

If the other parent is also playing mind games with the children, then these poor children are on a hiding to nowhere.

And I think that he non resident parent will finish off paying a lot more than the £100 per month that he is now paying.

Well said Thorsoak. :T

McKneff wrote: »

Total rubbish. Kids should come first every time.no matter what. The op and partner are the adults, it's them who are to blame. The children are innocent. Every self respecting parent would say the same thing.
Got kids, have you ?

Again, :T

No matter HOW much the mum of your kids is peeing you off; please don't play with your childrens emotions....... They will never recover from it.

unforeseen

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Well said Thorsoak. :T



Again, :T

No matter HOW much the mum of your kids is peeing you off; please don't play with your childrens emotions....... They will never recover from it.

And will be laughing with their mother after their latest visit to you in the mental unit

Loz01

I don't EVER normally comment on this board... but OP, please, I would implore you to really think about this. As a product of a broken home, I can tell you it leaves some sort of impression on you throughout your whole life. I'm 30 now but still feel like the "child" of a divorced Mum and Dad.

The kids should come first. On the flip side, this doesn't mean YOU should have to put up with any crap or mental torture. Is there any way you can still see the kids without having to engage with your ex? Can you pick them up from a third party who isn't involved? Is there definitely NO other way you can facilitate seeing them without these extra stresses? Do you think in a way it might be easier to go through the CMS and not have to engage with her at all, just pay the money and thats it done?

You shouldn't have to spoil your kids... material possessions are fleeting, kids need real quality time and I feel that if you suddenly cut contact or tell them you won't be seeing them, it will really really hurt them.

Yes they WILL feel torn between Mum and Dad... I was the same! I still feel the same even now as an adult! Your loyalties are divided. All you can do is acknowledge that to them, TELL them that its not easy and they might feel a bit torn between you and their Mum but that you BOTH love them and want the best for them and you are going to try and improve the situation.

I just feel that giving up is going to really hurt them in the long run.