Dad/Daughter Relationship Breakdown

T4i

Well, happy 2017 to you all - just my luck that I am making the toughest decisions in my life at this supposedly jolly time haha.

OK - so I am a non-resident father of two girls. One biologically mine and the other non-biologically.

Myself and kids mum have a private agreement that I pay £100/month into her bank account and have both kids all weekend every other weekend - I also pay for clothes/shoes as and when the mum plays ball.

A lot has happened since we and kids mum split up and I won't go into detail or slag her off as I don't allow myself to be lowered to her standards.

Basically after the hardest decision of my life I want to cut all ties - the harder I try make it work the more their mum plays games. It is no good for my health and I just feel like I am used for babysitter/financial reasons. It has now got to the point where the kids lie to my face so they don't leave their mum exposed to the truth - I don't blame my kids for this, their mum is very clever and plays a very good game. Unfortunately I am in a no-win situation and all we do is go round and round until I have a breakdown/prescription for Anti-D's.

Now, does anyone know for sure where I stand with the CSA? CSA have not been involved for all this time of 9 years. All payments to mum is done through our banks so I have electronic proof that these exist.

Can kids mum turnaround now and say I have not been providing enough and slap me with a massive backpayment arrears? The existing private agreement was done verbally all those years ago.

To be fair I will save a ton financially going through the CSA as I have been spoiling the kids to somehow try make up for something I can never have. My fault, I've tried other techniques which failed so I simply tried to 'buy' their happiness. Kids are clearly torn between mum and dad and obviously take mums side each time which I completely get.

Sorry for such a negative/sad post on NYD but I need to put a stop to this once and for all. Today I feel like I have some strength to go through with it and my partner (who has tried talking me out of it endlessly) now realises what it is doing to me deep down and offers her full support whatever I decide.

I hear horror stories about parents who have been slapped with a massive unrealistic arrears payment but every case is different and I don't know what/who to believe.


Thanks for reading guys/gals - wishing you all a great 2017!!

robsmg

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar position but thankfully, my daughter's mum has realised that whatever happens between me and her, our daughter is the most important thing in our lives.

From what I understand about the CSA (now changed to another company) you are liable to pay 12% of your gross earnings after allowances are made for payments into your pension. After this, they then take 12% dependent on how often you have your child. This is going to be hard to say but techniqually, you only should be paying for 1 child from your story, hard but true.

To find out how much you should be paying, visit the CSA website as they have a good calculator that will tell you how much you should be paying. From what I understand as well, you have had an informal arrangement and not sure that they can force you to make up the difference between what you have been paying and should have been paying for the previous years.

What I would suggest, is that you try and get some mediation, cutting all ties with your children is a massive step, try and get a formal arrangement in place that you both agree to stick to.

I hope everything works out for you, remember 2017 is a new year and anything is possible

McKneff

Have you any idea how much mental damage you could cause your children.
Not just for a few weeks, I'm talking for the rest of their lives....

Can you imagine that they could well never, never forgive you for rejecting them.

Can you imagine that they could hate you for the rest of your life.

These are innocent children and have done nothing wrong. Why do you think punishing them is okay

unforeseen

McKneff wrote: »

Have you any idea how much mental damage you could cause your children.
Not just for a few weeks, I'm talking for the rest of their lives....

Can you imagine that they could well never, never forgive you for rejecting them.

Can you imagine that they could hate you for the rest of your life.

These are innocent children and have done nothing wrong. Why do you think punishing them is okay

That needs to be weighed against the mental damage that the mum is doing to the OP

Self preservation comes first. Kids can get over it, which is better than the mental anguish carrying on for the op

Mojisola

T4i wrote: »

OK - so I am a non-resident father of two girls. One biologically mine and the other non-biologically.

Myself and kids mum have a private agreement that I pay £100/month into her bank account and have both kids all weekend every other weekend - I also pay for clothes/shoes as and when the mum plays ball.

To be fair I will save a ton financially going through the CSA as I have been spoiling the kids to somehow try make up for something I can never have. My fault, I've tried other techniques which failed so I simply tried to 'buy' their happiness.

Why not work out what the CMS would expect you to pay and stick to that? Buying affection doesn't work - it often has the opposite effect.

If having them every other weekend is stressing you to the point of needing medication, could you reduce it to every third or fourth weekend rather than cutting the ties completely?

You are in a horrible situation but it sounds as if the girls are too.

WillGoodfellow

T4i wrote: »

Can kids mum turnaround now and say I have not been providing enough and slap me with a massive backpayment arrears? The existing private agreement was done verbally all those years ago.

No, the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) as it is now called will only calculate maintenance payments from the day on which either parent contacts them. You will not be liable for any arrears if the parent with care has not contacted the CSA or CMS previously.

thorsoak

unforeseen wrote: »

That needs to be weighed against the mental damage that the mum is doing to the OP

Self preservation comes first. Kids can get over it, which is better than the mental anguish carrying on for the op

WRONG! Children do not get over rejection - and as for the mental anguish of the OP he is responsible for the very existence of one of these poor children and has presumably been in the other child's life for a very long time.

If the other parent is also playing mind games with the children, then these poor children are on a hiding to nowhere.

And I think that he non resident parent will finish off paying a lot more than the £100 per month that he is now paying.

McKneff

unforeseen wrote: »

That needs to be weighed against the mental damage that the mum is doing to the OP

Self preservation comes first. Kids can get over it, which is better than the mental anguish carrying on for the op

Total rubbish. Kids should come first every time.no matter what. The op and partner are the adults, it's them who are to blame. The children are innocent. Every self respecting parent would say the same thing.
Got kids, have you ?

unforeseen

Sorry, when they and the mother are causing a mental breakdown then it's time to put yourself first


I have 2 daughters

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

It sounds as though you'd be doing them all a huge favour staying out of their lives.


Maintenance still payable though, at 20% of your salary.


Hope tht helps.

DUTR

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

It sounds as though you'd be doing them all a huge favour staying out of their lives.


Maintenance still payable though, at 20% of your salary.


Hope tht helps.

How do you calculate 20% ?
He has one dependent child , so CMS figures is up to 12% gross.
I stayed out of their lives and feel much better for it, I have seen friends go through the battle, many say they wouldn't do it again in hindsight.
Happy 2017 all