Frump to Fab 2017 - A Whole New World

chanie

Following on from what ll said: I find that asking people about their families, particularly if they have young children, works really well. Most people will have pictures of the children on their phone, so looking at those will help with awkward moments

Also, finding common ground, will help keep you comming across as genuine. Films/TV, sports and food is always a safe bet.

Pinkpetal

lessonlearned wrote: »

Pink petal.........I was very shy, exacerbated by a stutter. (Thanks dad, you made me so nervous I couldn't even talk)

But.....with patience and a great English teacher I finally overcame my stutter.

I was still shy though and that birthmark really zapped my confidence but like you I seemed to find humour in most situations and I learned that self deprecating jokes pre-empted any comments about my face.

But still I struggled in social situations until I started working in sales - have you ever tried cold calling or door knocking trying to flog life insurance. :rotfl:

I went on a fabulous two week training course which turned my life round and which can basically be summed up as "learn to listen".

As our trainer pointed out........The good lord gave us two ears and one mouth. I think he was trying to tell us something don't you.

Let me let you into a little secret.........it was taught me by the senior trainer on that sales course.

The simple truth of the matter is that everyone likes to talk about themselves, so in order to be a social success you learn to be a good listener. You just let the other person do all the talking and they will think you the most interesting and fascinating person on the planet.

Have you ever watched a really good tv interviewer. The best by far was Alan Whicker - he was the ninja of all interviewers. Michael Parkinson was good in his heyday and Terry Wogan was excellent.

These guys made it look so easy but they were experts. See if you can watch some of their videos and pick up some tips. Watch their body language and gestures but more importantly watch how they listen and what kind of questions they ask.

DONT MODEL YOURSELF ON JEREMY PAXMAN. They don't call him the Rottweiler for nothing. :rotfl: He is a political heavyweight and can be a bit of verbal thug.

Do you understand the difference between an open and a closed question. (That was a closed question). It simply requires a one word answer......yes or no.

An open question will elicit an answer that requires some form of explanation, a closed question requires a simple yes/no answer.

An open question will begin with one of the following

How, when, what, which, why.....be very careful when using why - it can come over as being rude or nosy but the others will help the other person to give you a good open ended answer which, if you listen carefully, will give you a further opening to expand the conversation.

A couple of examples.

Closed question......did you have a good journey, answer yes/no. If the other person is shy you may not get any further, and the conversation will fizzle out. Only a natural conversationalist will expand and say......yes it was great, the train was fab, great buffet car or no it was a nightmare, train was late, freezing and filthy, the buffet car was closed so nothing to eat or drink.

However, if you ask "how was your journey" then more often than not they will offer a bit information (without even thinking about it) and you can grow the conversation from there.

The only real exception I have found is when dealing with people who on the autism spectrum. Then very often you will only get one word answers.

Q. how was your journey.
A. Fine.

:rotfl:

My autistic niece does this and it can be frustrating but you just have to persevere with her until she relaxes and opens up.

A word of warning.

Use open questions at your peril..........you can end up listening to someone's life story, unable to shut them up. :rotfl:

You can find out more about a person than you really want to know - but, on the plus side.......they will think you a fantastically interesting person, simply because you let them talk about themselves.

Try it, practice open questions and learn to really listen to the answers.

You might also find it helpful to learn how to use about body language, how to use "mirroring" to build up a good rapport.

It all boils down to practice.

However I will say this.....it only works if you like the human race and are genuinely interested in other people and not just feigning interest.

Most people can spot a fake a mile off and if you are not genuinely interested you will just come over as either false or creepy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a fantastic reply, it really means a lot. Why did I not find this wonderful thread a long time ago.
The first thing tomorrow morning will be to watch some interviews. I don't think my husband would understand why I would be watching old Alan Whicker interviews lol although he is always encouraging me to come out of my shell.
I am certainly feeling a lot more hopeful and even a little excited at the prospect of talking to people and getting out there. I do try to chat when I go shopping but you are really limited for conversation with the lady on the till in Asda.

Pinkpetal

chanie wrote: »

Following on from what ll said: I find that asking people about their families, particularly if they have young children, works really well. Most people will have pictures of the children on their phone, so looking at those will help with awkward moments

Also, finding common ground, will help keep you comming across as genuine. Films/TV, sports and food is always a safe bet.

Thanks I have children of my own and always take pleasure in talking about them, I just need to push myself out the front door.

Ellsbel

Just popping on quickly before bed to say thanks for the body lotion recommendations Floss.
SugarbabyI'm sorry to hear about your troubles at work and hope they're resolved satisfactorily.
Hi pinkpetal - I think ll and chanie have given really good advice; I've been shy all my life and I've found that asking about and taking an interest in others has helped - sometimes it's a struggle as my reserved nature makes me afraid of appearing nosey! But I'm better than I was by miles.
Where I really struggle to this day is with any "senior" figure; I'm very embarrassed to admit that even in the little part time job I'm doing, I dread having to go into the boss with a query:o I just feel uncomfortable and self conscious and always feel as though I've interrupted something when I shouldn't have - I watch my colleagues and really envy their self assurance!
I hope you can begin taking small steps towards doing the things you want to do:)

maddiemay

I have seen it written that when faced with people that one is in awe of or frightened by that you should imagine them with no clothes on. bit dangerous in my opinion, might end up convulsed in laughter or throwing up in front of them:D

ScarlettMcCain

LL, I am so pleased to hear that your Dad's funeral was so beautiful and that his old regiment attended too, you did him very proud and thank you for the wise words about being in love. I look forward to hearing about your new plan for the year!

Very interesting to hear about how everyone's parents had affected (or still affect) their adult life; mine snapped at each other constantly from when I was old enough to remember, and when they finally split up in my early 20s, it was such a relief! They still phone me to moan about each other but I wish they had made the break years and years ago, it would have made my teenage years very much easier. My younger brother has Downs syndrome and I think they stayed together only to look after him, but he too has been much happier with two homes and parents who tolerate each other much better when apart.

Good luck with the grievance case Sugarbaby and (if possible!) enjoy some time off till then, you are entirely right to take things further if your life is being made a misery at work, your supervisor has no right to do that. It sounds like your nephew's wedding will be a great occasion, you will have such fun and look a million dollars in your lovely jacket

Thank you for the Fitter Food link indie, I've ordered their book from the library! I've rejoined Slimming World and started my 30 Day Shred DVD again, but came off the rails a few days later - I've felt so rotten since Friday that all I've wanted to do is have hot chocolate and sleep a lot. Sadly that's tricky with two lively babies around, but at least OH let me have a lie in yesterday, which helped a bit! I'm very jealous of your clubbing too; I'm supposed to be going to a leaving do in a couple of weeks, which would be my first night out since the boys were born, but even thinking about it puts me into a mild panic. I'm much bigger than I wanted to be at this stage and I'm out of the habit of going out past 5pm

(Don't let that put you off socialising pinkpetal - before I had the boys I loved going out - well done on joining meetup.com by the way and do go to a group or two to find one you like!! I was also very shy but like LL says, 'fake it till you make it', you have to pretend you're not shy and go from there!)

I think it was maman who suggested the weekly meal planning which I will try to implement this week, I really struggle with cooking as the boys are at the stage of wanting to play/ interfere with everything, and it's tricky having anything in a pan or in the oven when they're around! I'm still working on changing one habit a week; now the cleaning rota is in place (dull but necessary) I've started the exercising habit, and meals will be next…..

I buy cheap body butter from Wilkos by the way and slap it on my feet every night at bedtime. However the Body Shop have another 40% off code at the moment if anyone's interested - it also gives 40% off items in the sale, I've just done a big order which came to around £40, very pleased!

Have a great week everyone xx

savingfortomorrow

Lessonedlearned- it is true open questions are the best and allow the conversation to flow. My job requires me meeting new people everyday and working with new teams constantly. I was so apprehensive I used to watch inside the actors studio to learn how to get into character. Basically fake it till you make it. Sometimes when family see me doing my professional outgoing chatty persona outside of work they are bemused. I can chat away but lessonslearned is correct, listening is better. I am bored of my own life story but find it fascinating to hear a new chapter from someone else!
I had a reorganization today and found clothes that I had stored away, this year is so mild I pulled the spring clothes out much earlier than easter. I had planned to buy a new suit but now after finding some clothes that are suitable workwear, I think that I will postpone any new purchase. I have over 5 black jackets and at least fifteen black skirts, they can mix and match. I have loads of casual t shirts but need to pull out more blouses from storage. I always feel more confident in my corporate ‘uniform’ especially as I’m making first impressions everyday.
I had packed away a load of scarfs and belts a while back but I think wearing them will give more colour to my face and break up an outfit. I went to an open market yesterday and didn’t buy anything as the pigeons were flying around and it was like a pigeon airport. Call me traditional, but I like cold chains and no flying rodents near my dinner. However, It inspired me to cook again, not merely reheat. I made buckwheat with mushrooms, ginger and garlic. I had mixed beans and asparagus salad with a pesto Verdi dressing. I used to love cooking and I stopped cooking due to exhaustion, but now I have better working hours I can and will eat better. It is amazing to thing eating correctly and imaginatively costs less than my aldi pizza.

indiepanda

Pinkpetal wrote: »

I really would like to do this. I get on with everyone I meet and people say I have a great sense of humor but I feel very shy and tongue tied it has held me back for years its so frustrating. I need some little challenges first I think. Im on my laptop now so I going to look for the book, thanks x found it second hand with free p&p £2.36

You've been given lots of useful advice already pinkpetal but I would just like to add, you might find it helpful to think other people's impressions of you might be closer to the truth than your own. You see yourself as shy and tongue tied, they see you as someone easy to get on with and with a great sense of humour. Sometimes we are so down on ourselves we believe our own negative view despite all evidence to the contrary.

The advice about asking people about themselves is good. There was an American writer, Dale Carnegie, who wrote a book called "How to win friends and influence people" and he put it rather well:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Rubyslippers77 wrote: »

LL, Thank you for the Fitter Food link indie, I've ordered their book from the library! I've rejoined Slimming World and started my 30 Day Shred DVD again, but came off the rails a few days later - I've felt so rotten since Friday that all I've wanted to do is have hot chocolate and sleep a lot. Sadly that's tricky with two lively babies around, but at least OH let me have a lie in yesterday, which helped a bit! I'm very jealous of your clubbing too; I'm supposed to be going to a leaving do in a couple of weeks, which would be my first night out since the boys were born, but even thinking about it puts me into a mild panic. I'm much bigger than I wanted to be at this stage and I'm out of the habit of going out past 5pm

Hi rubyslippers, hope you find the book useful. I've been doing their on line programme this week and have lost a few pounds in the first week (I think about six - but one always loses some water pounds in the first week too so am not expecting to do that next week). I haven't missed having sugary things at all - they have some sweet things in their book, but I've been recommended to stick to low sugar fruits on the first four weeks of the programme so lots of berries. Having a larger protein based breakfast seems to be doing a good job of stopping me from needing to snack so much. I had some bacon and eggs yesterday morning (note they don't recommend having processed meat more than once a week, but I didn't have much else in the fridge) and that kept me going until a salmon ceviche salad for lunch and I then had some home made soup in the evening. And this was with having done an 11 mile hike, over half of it in pouring rain. Usually I eat way more than that on a hiking day.

I've had to get used to going out whilst being fatter than my friends - it's either that or stay home lonely and comfort eat myself to a bigger size. I realised when I had alopecia areta a few years ago and no one noticed the bald spots that most people are far too caught up in their own stuff and worrying about what they look like to pay that much attention to what I look like. Its true some notice when I have lost weight and comment positively but no one has ever been nasty when the reverse is true.

The clubbing was fun though if we go again I think we need to work out where to base ourselves on the dance floor - a bit too much pushing and shoving by rather drunk people! Music was fab though, I knew and liked at least 80s of the tracks and we danced from when we arrived a bit after 11 till when we left somewhere after 1:30am.

Today I need to plan my food for the week ahead. It's a busy one so I need to take my dinner into work some days as well as lunch. Going to try some different recipes this week - really enjoyed the ones I tried last week, very tasty. I reckon I cooked more last week than I usually do in a month.... maybe more.

Have a fab week all xx

lessonlearned

Good Morning Lovely Ladies

My challenge begins today!!!

But before I talk about that I just want to say good luck to Sugarbaby. I am sorry to hear that work is so difficult and you are right to stand up for yourself. I hope all goes well.

You are inspirational, I love your positivity and energy and I think I speak for most of us when I say we are rooting for you. I hope you have a successful outcome.

Indie....likewise. You are achieving so much. Your energy levels are awesome. And ......wow 6 lb weight loss. Well done you!!!

Which brings me nicely to my challenge......this is partly what I want for me. To have some of Sugarbaby s and Indies energy!!!!

You remember at the beginning of the year some of us chose a word to describe what we wanted to achieve. Well mine was "Vitality".

Well this is what I am aiming for but remembering my old sales training that goals have to be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely) I have decided that I need to have a bit more clarity and direction, otherwisei will just drift and achieve very little.

I need to be accountable which is where you lot come in.......I am counting g on you to help me stay on track.

So I have set my self some specific goals and a deadline.....hence the title of my challenge

"ONE YEAR TO CHANGE MY LIFE"

Let it begin........

lessonlearned

Where do I want to be a year from now, what do I want to achieve, what do I have to do to get there, and where on earth do I start........

First I need to set some objectives I have already said I want more "vitality". So let's elaborate.

Before disaster struck in 2006 I was indeed "vital". Whilst never pretty or beautiful I was often described as "vivacious", I looked at least a decade younger that my actual chronological age, I was glowing with healthy and vitality, full of vim and vigour. Ooh I'm on a roll here with the letter "V"

Where am I now .......well my va va voom has vamoosed!!!! ok enough already with the aliteration. :rotfl:

Back to goal setting.

What I want to achieve can be summed up in this one sentence.

"I want to LIVE IT LARGE".

I want fun, frolics and fripperies. Gawd there's no stopping me today. I have unleashed the word monster.

So it's goodbye sadness and sorrow and hello to happiness, to adventure and to excitement.

All rather vague isn't it ......so let's pin it down to SMART goals. The first two are easy.

1. Buy a house.....yes really.:rotfl:
2. Reclaim my body by losing 3 stones

The others are less tangible, harder to define and even harder still to measure. They are also in many ways interdependent on each other.

They can be best summed up as

3. Achieve more
4. Try new things

So.......under these headings I want to be more creative, to travel, to learn new skills, to experiment more.

At the end of this challenge I want to have reinvented myself and to be living a rich and rewarding life. But is hard to define and even harder to measure my progress.

I know The challenge will end with my Amazon trip. That will be my finale!! But it's how do I get there.

So....going back to the elephant (one bite at a time) I am going to break it down into manageable, chunks setting myself mini goals and minor challenges along the way.

12 easy paces. 12 steps to the new improved me.

Now to achieve all this is going to take time and money so i shall we begin with trying to get more of both.

I have designated February the month where I lay the foundations and I'm calling it.....

"Face Up to February"

So in preparation this weeks challenge is a media fast. Time to say goodbye to the sofa sloth and stop wasting time on junk tv, social media, newspapers etc

I wonder How much extra time I shall have. I don't even want to think of the time I have wasted, but I know it's great chunks of my life gone, just disappeared into the ether, time which I can never claw back.

So last night I cleared the decks.

I went through my inbox and I unsubscribed from all those newsletters and websites that have gobbled up my time. No more couch potato watching rubbish on the box and no more idly surfing the net.

This should free up great chunks of time to enable me to work on those SMART goals.

The other challenge for February is a money makeover. I can make a start this week by doing a financial review and seeing how I can save and make more money.

The final part of my preparation is really a contunation of what I started a couple of weeks ago....to work on my sleep which is still not that great, to up my daily steps and to increase my intake of water.

I came across the following quote.

"As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning".

I think this is true. I do feel as if I am finally rousing from a long slumber. I have been sleepwalking through the last few years, head down, just holding on, merely existing and not really living.

But now Thevfog has lifted and I feel free at last to start pursuing my own dreams and living life to the full again.

I feel energised and raring to go.

I'm ready.