Dad is struggling to cope

DevilsAdvocate1

My mum is 86 and is quite frail. She needs help getting up, is incontinent and has no short term memory. Dad is 77 and is her full time carer. Mum refuses to wear any sort of pad or pants for incontinent people so there is a lot of washing to be done.

Dad rang to today to say he's had enough. He says he's thinking of leaving or finding a home for mum as he just can't go on. Having said this, I got the impression that he doesn't really want this. Just last week he was saying that when you've been together as long as they have the lucky one dies first.

I live nearby, though I'm married with 3 children (young adults). Eldest is 18 and the youngest is 11. I work full time and a lot of time is spent taking the children to various activities. I try and meet up with my dad as often as possible because he is becoming increasingly isolated as mum will not go out.

I'm going to see if I can drop one day at work so I can help dad once a week. However, I was wondering what type of help we could purchase and if there are any agencies out there for this type of thing? As they don't go out much they actually save money each month, so they have the funds to pay for help. Dad has always been against this (I don't want strangers in my home), but I think he might be more open to it now. Just someone to help with the household chores or with mum as dad currently does everything.

Thanks.

heartbreak_star

Maybe a cleaner to help with the washing so he doesn't feel like people are coming to care for him?

HBS x

elsien

Have they had a care act assessment? That would be the gateway to other services (although depending on finances they may have to pay some/all of the costs.) That would be an assessment of dad's needs as a carer, as well as mum's needs. They can self refer and there should be a link in their local council's website.
Has she been to the GP or asked for a referral to the incontinence service to help with her day to day needs?
They can always refuse if they decide they don't want the help, but it could signpost them to things they're not aware of but which they might find useful -a bit of respite for dad, for example.

Brighton_belle

I do feel for you all - it's a very difficult time and I have been through it.
You can pay for carers to wash/dress your mother, if she needs that level of help. You can pay for cleaners to release your dad from practical household chores. There are also services that will 'sit' with your mother for a few hrs , giving dad a chance to get out of the house regularly. Your GP may well be able to recommend private services to you. Our parent's GP recommended a private care company and they were great.
It depends on their income as to what you can and can't buy in. Is your mother claiming attendance allowance for the essential care your father provides? This is non income related.
With regard to nursing homes - would they be self funding (if your mother has savings over £23,500 she would be). If not, social services need to do an assessment to decide what they consider her needs to be and if they think a home is necessary. Your local council then need to do a financial assessment to see if they will fund this (or fund carers coming in)
Your mother could just go in somewhere for respite care for 1-2 weeks if able to self fund for a few weeks. That would give dad a breather and a chance to see how she settled in a home. My father had several stays in one to give my mum respite when she wasn't so well, and it did help pave the wave to him going into one permanently when she really wasn't well enough to cope any longer. The respite care weeks helped her adjust to the idea of letting him go in one. You'd need to do some research to find one you, he and she are happy with.

PasturesNew

Dad's right - and you're lucky he's spoken out instead of just doing something daft and walking out.

You need to get social services involved - speak to them. Be there for a home visit.

Do they have "money"? A house of their own? This will determine if they get help funded or not.

Depending on your social services/area and money/not you should be sorting out some form of respite for your dad - so she gets taken away for the day to a daycare centre, so dad feels he can just relax/flop.

Having somebody come in to do XYZ doesn't often work as he'll still be there ... possibly sitting with her for an hour in wee until somebody turns up to wash her/get her dressed, which doesn't meet anybody's REAL needs.

First step though is a call to social services - and to let your dad know that you ARE listening and are aware it's a problem that needs a proper/long-term solution and not a "quick fix" that turns out to be even more hassle/strain on dad.

Proxima_Centauri

She really needs to wear appropriate protective underwear if she is incontinent. If she were to go into a home I imagine they would insist on it.

DevilsAdvocate1

Proxima_Centauri wrote: »

She really needs to wear appropriate protective underwear if she is incontinent. If she were to go into a home I imagine they would insist on it.

She's had these problems for years and used to wear pads until around 2 years ago. One day she decided they were uncomfortable and she wasn't wearing them anymore. There are pads on the bed which dad removes each morning and changes, so the mattress is protected. The whole smells though.

We've tried all sorts to get her to wear them. We've tried removing her old pants and putting in special incontinent ones. Mum was always very smart and fully made up. So dad managed to find some pretty ones and she did start wearing these for a while. But dad has discovered she seems to have a stash of proper pants as he keeps finding her in them even though we removed them. He told me yesterday he's found several stashes already. Odd cos we thought she had no memory.

Pollycat

PasturesNew wrote: »

Dad's right - and you're lucky he's spoken out instead of just doing something daft and walking out.

You need to get social services involved - speak to them. Be there for a home visit.

This ^^^^

My Mum was in the same position as your Dad.

She phoned me one day at the end of her tether and I immediately rang Adult Social Services who did a care plan which included sending someone every day to get Dad up, showered and dressed, taking him to a day centre once a week and also provided a 'sitter' for a few hours at the weekend so Mum could have some 'me' time.

We also had a visit from the local (non emergency) hospital to assess their home for any aids he needed. They fitted grab rails.

Keep_pedalling

PasturesNew wrote: »

Dad's right - and you're lucky he's spoken out instead of just doing something daft and walking out.

You need to get social services involved - speak to them. Be there for a home visit.

Do they have "money"? A house of their own? This will determine if they get help funded or not.

Depending on your social services/area and money/not you should be sorting out some form of respite for your dad - so she gets taken away for the day to a daycare centre, so dad feels he can just relax/flop.

Having somebody come in to do XYZ doesn't often work as he'll still be there ... possibly sitting with her for an hour in wee until somebody turns up to wash her/get her dressed, which doesn't meet anybody's REAL needs.

First step though is a call to social services - and to let your dad know that you ARE listening and are aware it's a problem that needs a proper/long-term solution and not a "quick fix" that turns out to be even more hassle/strain on dad.

Agree with the above, but don't delay getting this in motion. It's your father I would be most concerned for at the moment, his life can't be very pleasant, and he obviously feels trapped.

You could also look at getting some respite care in place to give him some breathing space, but be prepared to pay £1000 a week, which what it cost me last Christmas with my mother, who is thankfully now in perminant residential care.

rach_k

If she is with it mentally and just choosing not to wear incontinence pads/pants, I would have no hesitation in laying down the law on behalf of your dad. I'd point out that she used to have such high standards but now, through being silly and not wearing appropriate protection, her bedroom smells and she's putting too much on your dad's shoulders.

Would she consider cloth/washable pants? I know there'd still be washing and they are a big up-front cost, but I expect they are nicer feeling than disposables and at least the washing/drying is a bit smaller. Something like this: https://blankencare.com/shop/