Dark Times

Reducemydebt

I'm in a predicament, I've had very dark bad times over the course of the last 10 years for one reason or another and find myself with £40k worth of debt all of which is defaulted and with DCA's. Which is playing on my health and mental state and making me become withdrawn in myself.

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a baby daughter, plus i have another daughter with a previous partner (split 10 years ago...)

I have also recently gone through employee vetting at work which I am likely to fail as irregularities popped up due to problems with my financial health, which is a problem all around and I await the verdict of this.

On a positive step I have recently discussed with Stepchange sorting out a DMP and have a reasonable £400/month available to start paying back what I owe which I am desparate to get sorted having buried my head for too long, this process is in motion.

My problem comes with telling partners/other halves how have people found this? my concern is she wont understand and added to a fair chance of losing my job I could find myself losing her, losing my job, losing my house, kids.....

Any advice?

National_Debtline

Hi

I’m sorry to hear about the difficult time you’ve been having. I can’t advise you on the relationship side of things but I just wanted to say well done for contacting Stepchange. Starting a DMP is certainly a positive step.

I know others on this forum have been in a similar predicament to you so will hopefully offer you their thoughts.

James
@natdebtline

MrsTinks

Firstly are you sure that your debt issue is a problem with your job? I don't know what you do but there are only fairly few where financial status actually has any bearing on your employment - agreed that there are some, but usually they are pretty specific?
You may be stressing about something for no reason when it comes to your job.

Your partner - ultimately we can tell you it will all be great and she'll understand, she may fly off at the deep end and leave, or anything inbetween. Ultimately we don't know how she will react, but usually people deal better with news like this by there being a plan in place on how to fix it. So "Ok bad news is I'm in a lot of debt and can't cope, but I DO have a plan and this is what it is and I know what to do to get out of it" usually helps make it easier to cope with.

With £40k of debts have you looked at whether being Bankrupt might be a better option? I'm not saying it's a great solution, but if your profession doesn't prevent you from being BR and you don't have any assets like property then it might be something to look at?

Good luck!

Vikipollard

OP, MrsT is right, no one can predict how your OH will react.

What I would say is that, unless she has no involvement at all in anything financial, she should realise that what you have collectively been spending exceeded what you realistically had coming in. Although she is unlikely to realise how much.

I've been you. Twice. And yes, with the same partner.

First time, he was shocked, but acted as guarantor on a loan for me (£15k) - which was paid off as soon as I got my settlement through from divorce. The debt had been incurred via credit cards/loans, having walked out with nothing other than my clothes. But I didn't learn...

Second time, same again; credit card and bank loan, only this time nearly £20k), because what was left of my divorce settlement wasn't enough to kit the house with the things we'd both had before. And I mean basic things, like beds, cooker etc, not 55" plasma TVs. But rather than say we couldn't afford something, I'd put it on the credit card. Add into the mix that we had four kids between us (3 teenage and one then 7), and my part time wages weren't even close to covering it.

Telling him the second time was one of the worst days of my life. I had already sought advice, and begun the process for an IVA, which meant I had no choice but to tell him. Suffice to say he was incandescent with rage, and in that moment he wanted nothing more to do with me.

However, in the time it took me to drive the 3 miles back to work - which was probably a lot longer than normal, as I wasn't in any state TO drive - he'd reversed that decision and had a plan for how we could move forward.

I did the IVA - fortunately I wasn't on the mortgage, so they couldn't go after the house, but it did mean an extra year.

Fast forward 10 years, and we are still together, still married, and in the process of converting the mortgage into a joint one. I am now a pathological saver. He had to force me to take a loan to buy a car, as I felt I could manage with the 13yr old rot box I had with 203k on the clock. I paid that damn loan off early. The only condition that remains from our original solution (where my wages were paid into his account, and only enough to pay my IVA and for me to get food and petrol was given to me), is that I will never have a credit card again. Not that I want one - I genuinely don't - but that's a deal breaker.

The reason for all this waffle is to say, expect her to be angry, hurt, tearful, feel betrayed, and even to feel guilty that she didn't know you were struggling with this alone. And then if she doesn't do any of those things and is all-out supportive straight away, then embrace that and work together on a realistic plan.