My girlfriend's family is ruining our relationship?

Primrose

Is their daughter their biological child or was she adopted by her parents. It just seems such a strange way for parents to treat their child and I can't help wondering if there isn't a lot more behind the scenes to all this than we, or even you, are aware of.

Jlawson118

Primrose wrote: »

It would seem to me that actually both your girlfriend and her mother are quite emotionally damaged in their respective ways. I wonder if her mother has been sexually abused at some point in her earlier life and this is reflecting her unhealthy behaviour now,

You on the other hand seem to have come from a very well balanced and supportive family. I wonder if it is possible for the pair of you to cross such a great emotional divide. My thought is that if you had both been ten years older you would both have had more experience of dealing with such opposing views and had more experience at how to deal with them. As it is you are both starting out at the school of difficult experiences and all this is totally uncharted territory. It,s not surprising that you're both struggling in your different ways to deal with it.

Your parents seems level headed people. What advice, if any, have they given you on this issue?. After all, they know your girlfriend and we don't.

I think her mother was abused by hers when growing up as a kid really so me and my girlfriend have often wondered if it was something to do with that. But my girlfriend has an older sister, her mum is all over her sister and lets her get away with absolutely anything, yet it's different with her youngest daughter, she's forced to slave and be abused by her.

Jlawson118

FBaby wrote: »

How do you explain then that being so far away, if she is so scared of her mother, she remains in contact with her? Is her mum financing her studies and giving up money to live on?

I can understand being manipulated out of guilt but I don't understand why she would be so scared as you seem to think she is, yet keeping in regular contact with her mother, staying for months back home, and feeling miserable even though she is miles away from her and being treated like a princess by you and your mum.

That's why I am wondering if there is more to it but unfortunately you haven't been able to ascertain what that is, just blaming her mum for all her negative feelings.

We ended up going to Bulgaria for the summer and everything was wonderful, for the first few days we got time together, got to go to the beach and just generally have fun. But then she was forced to work, and about a week or two in, her mum stole money from her which wasn't nice to see. But then after so long, she just started coming out with this abuse about me and my family and pretty much trying to get her to choose between me or them.

I won't deny we've argued and fallen out over things that I've done, but at the end of the day, since she came back after the summer, she became a completely different person. Even before I had chance to do anything wrong. Each time her mum abuses her over Skype, she realises I've done nothing wrong apart from being stuck in the middle of it all and she always feels so awful. I try to reassure her that it's nothing she's done wrong but I just wish she'd be in control of her own life..

Primrose

I suspect that the longer this long distance family dispute goes on the more difficult it is going to become for your girlfriend to continue living under your roof with your family. Not only is it going to cause increasing tension between the two of you, sooner or later your parents, who have been very generous with their hospitality and patience, are going to feel that the peace and calm of their own home is becoming threatened with the disfunctionality of it all. Look out for signs their patience may be starting to wear a little thin and be sensitive to this.

The harsh reality perhaps, is that your girlfriend has taken on more than she can cope with and probably doesn't have the life skills to cope with the situation. You can step back and hope she will acquire the confidence, over time, to start making decisions for herself but you may have to accept there will be a point when you will need to start thinking of your parents' needs here too.

If she goes home for Christmas, perhaps this is the point when she needs to reassess how her future life moves forward and whether she is strong enough to start making decisions for herself. You can't start bombarding her with ultimatums but maybe a festive period away from her family may help her decide whether she is strong enough to stand up against the pressures she's being subjected to. Perhaps suggest that she gives Skype family calls rest for a while if it always ends up in arguments. Less pressure in this respect may help her sort her own thoughts out and put herself back in control.

It must be jolly hard having this kind of turbulent relationship at your age when you just want things to run smoothly. Try above all to be patient. People don't grow up overnight when they are in difficult emotional situations but the background environment against which they struggle can make all the difference in how things eventually end up.

meer53

Why did she stay all summer if it was so bad ? Until she decides to take control of her life, you need to be her friend or it will never work. You're both 20, far too young to be in a relationship with issues like this.

Savvy_Sue

One of the cultural issues may be related to sexual relationships in and and outside marriage. If the norm is to live within your own family until you marry, then moving in with your boyfriend's family may be a very big cultural barrier for her family to cross.

And, however dysfunctional her family are, they are HER family. It can be hard to accept criticism - even valid criticism - of your family. She may be dimly aware that not all families behave as hers does (I think the accusations against the OP's mother are quite startling!) but that doesn't make it easy to accept that up with this she need not put.

I'm trying to work out what I'd have done if I'd ever been in the OP's parents' position. I wonder if helping and supporting this lass to move into safe and supportive accommodation elsewhere would be worthwhile? It's not as if there are just two choices: live with the OP's family, or live in a lonely, dangerous and isolated situation.

FBaby

I won't deny we've argued and fallen out over things that I've done, but at the end of the day, since she came back after the summer, she became a completely different person.

Like what? This is an important bit you've left out.

So you've done things that you consider was no big deal and moved on, but it concerned your girlfriend's mum greatly. If she calls her mum to talk about her issues with you, then her mum might feel quite protective of her and worried about her life with you and your family.

It definitely sounds like your girlfriend is torn apart, with her mum telling her that you are bad news for her and you telling her that her mum is bad news for her. Not surprising she is feeling depressed as she probably feels totally trapped.

Slinky

Is the girlfriend's mother trying to break up your relationship because at the end of the course she wants her daughter to return to Bulgaria, not have a life here with you (or anyone else).

My friend's in-laws were quite hostile to her for a number of years which I think was down to them thinking she was going to steal her son away and move back here from Australia, or do a runner with the children when they came along. Want they couldn't see was that by being hostile towards her, it didn't exactly encourage her to build a good relationship with them to encourage her to stay there. She has stayed in Aus and built a fairly good relationship with them but it took a long time and a lot of effort on her part. My friend's OH's first wife had done a runner (before my friend met him) and I think his family thought she'd break his heart again.

paddy's_mum

Jlawson118 wrote: »

I just wish she'd be in control of her own life..

Do you even begin to realise that you are asking for one helluva lot?

She is only twenty years old, for goodness sake, being tugged in many different ways, out of her own country and culture, heart-sore and utterly confused.

It is one of the foolishnesses of the young that they believe that at 18, they are adults. Legally, they may be but those of us with a few more years and a lot more hard-knocks-from-life under our belts recognise that maturity is not measured by age.

I would also add the observation that despite your own view, you are not actually in control of your own life in the way that you believe you are - you still live at home, (presumably) still receiving financial support through university from your parents etc. Anger comes through your original post. It may be understable but is it helping your girlfriend or indeed, any of the people caught up in this sad and hostile situation?

One comment/fact that seems so far to have been skimmed over is your statement that she tried to commit suicide. I find myself totally in agreement with meer53 in post 16 who states that you are (both) far too young to be trying to deal with such a fraught, troubled set-up as this relationship.

If (and I don't for one second dispute it) your love for her is genuine, you might be far wiser to be backing off from the angry, protecting role and doing everything you possibly can to get her to seek help for the sake of her mental and physical health. If that means that she is released from her romantic relationship with you, then so be it. That's what one does for the benefit of the loved one.

Finally, I'd give a great deal to know what your parents deepest feelings and concerns are as I would find it hard to believe that they can be relishing this unhappy situation which is playing out in their own home.

Genuinely, I wish all of you well but would reiterate that sometimes the true demonstration of love is the willingness to let go. Good luck.