Funeral question

kitty08

My 91 year old father in law passed away yesterday peacefully in hospital. He had been very clear about what he wanted for his funeral, and has left some money specifically for this purpose. (I think it may have been a life assurance policy, but I'm not sure. I do know that it definitely wasn't one of those "funeral plans".) He wants a very simple service at the crematorium just for the immediate family (his instructions were to make it "as cheap as possible") followed by a service of thanksgiving at his local church for everyone to attend (he was a regular churchgoer, and very popular in his local community) followed by a wake, again held locally. He was very specific that he wants the bulk of the money to be spent on food and drink for the wake.
Obviously we want the cremation bit to be respectful, even though it will be "on the cheap". I know the "disbursements" will have to be paid, but do we have to buy a "complete package" from a funeral director / undertaker (I'm not sure of the difference) , or can we just have the bits we want? From my quick search of the internet, most undertakers seem to be keen on selling an expensive "package" of coffin / cars / flowers etc. However, I have found a coffin online for £99, including free delivery, to the undertaker of your choice. It's plain but tasteful and above all functional. I will be doing the flowers to go on the coffin (just a large spray of his favourites from the garden - he was a very keen gardener) We have decided just to have the hearse to transport the coffin to the crematorium (none of the family has a big enough estate car, or we would have used that option) and the immediate family will make their way to the crematorium in their own cars, or maybe car share.
How can we politely but firmly tell the funeral directors that we don't want one of their "packages", just the bits that we can't really do ourselves? Are we likely to meet much resistance? Any advice would be very gratefully appreciated!

tanith

You tell them exactly what you want and they should carry out your instructions if not go somewhere else..

PasturesNew

Pick the bits you want. As it's "just family" you probably don't need an order of service (make it yourself on your PC - delegate this if possible), you don't need an organist probably either, they'll play piped music without one.

You might also consider "no flowers" and if there's a flower arranger in the family get them to knock something up for you.

Just pick the essential bits.

kitty08

Thank you, tanith, and Pasturesnew! That's very reassuring and very helpful.

Robin9

Talk to 2 or 3 funeral directors and use the one who you are happiest with.

McKneff

Your father sounds like a man after me own heart, but even I have never thought of looking on line for a coffin..... !!!!!!

Hermia

kitty08 wrote: »

Thank you, tanith, and Pasturesnew! That's very reassuring and very helpful.

Remember that funeral directors will have heard it all before. The ones I used when my mum died were marvellous. I was telling them about the issues between the religious and non-religious members of the family and they suggested ways to deal with it. They were even assertive on my behalf with some rather pushy friends of my mum!

As others have said visit a few and see how comfortable they make you feel. I would also make a list of your requirements to take with you.

Yorkshireman99

kitty08 wrote: »

My 91 year old father in law passed away yesterday peacefully in hospital. He had been very clear about what he wanted for his funeral, and has left some money specifically for this purpose. (I think it may have been a life assurance policy, but I'm not sure. I do know that it definitely wasn't one of those "funeral plans".) He wants a very simple service at the crematorium just for the immediate family (his instructions were to make it "as cheap as possible") followed by a service of thanksgiving at his local church for everyone to attend (he was a regular churchgoer, and very popular in his local community) followed by a wake, again held locally. He was very specific that he wants the bulk of the money to be spent on food and drink for the wake.
Obviously we want the cremation bit to be respectful, even though it will be "on the cheap". I know the "disbursements" will have to be paid, but do we have to buy a "complete package" from a funeral director / undertaker (I'm not sure of the difference) , or can we just have the bits we want? From my quick search of the internet, most undertakers seem to be keen on selling an expensive "package" of coffin / cars / flowers etc. However, I have found a coffin online for £99, including free delivery, to the undertaker of your choice. It's plain but tasteful and above all functional. I will be doing the flowers to go on the coffin (just a large spray of his favourites from the garden - he was a very keen gardener) We have decided just to have the hearse to transport the coffin to the crematorium (none of the family has a big enough estate car, or we would have used that option) and the immediate family will make their way to the crematorium in their own cars, or maybe car share.
How can we politely but firmly tell the funeral directors that we don't want one of their "packages", just the bits that we can't really do ourselves? Are we likely to meet much resistance? Any advice would be very gratefully appreciated!

JUst ask for, and pay for, the minimum you require. Don't be bullied by the FD. Shop around as well.

74jax

At the very start, the funeral director asked us what thoughts we had. We just said no fuss, cheapest coffin and no flowers but we wanted dads walking stick on the coffin. Once we'd said that they were great.

I didn't actually realise either that when we hired a car we had it for the day. Initially we weren't going to have a car. but the funeral director heard us talking about logistics and transporting elderly people around and asked if we knew the car was ours for the day. So in the end we had a car and it did loads of trips in the morning collecting people from various hotels to go view dad in the home, did trips from the church to the cemetery and then to the funeral tea. Then at about 8pm took everyone home or to their hotels. It saved me and my brother a whole heap of effort and we'll worth 80quid as dad would have wanted his family 'looked after'.

I'm not saying you need that, but just trying to show that funeral directors, if you're open with them, should be able to help and offer suggestions. If you don't like them, go elsewhere. Is business after all and a service you are playing for.

kitty08

Thank you, everyone, for your helpful posts. I hope I haven't offended anyone by mentioning "coffin shopping" online. I just wanted to get a feel of what was out there, without feeling pressurised by over attentive sales personnel. I also had a look at the websites of various funeral directors, again just to get an idea. I do realise that funerals are very personal affairs, and what's right for one family won't necessarily suit another.
74jax that's a very good thought about the car. FIL was a "local boy" who never moved away, and most of his friends still live in the village. Those that had moved away have sadly already passed away. I guess that's an occupational hazard with that generation. The church is in the centre of the village, and the location we have in mind for the wake about 5 minutes walk away, so I think it will hopefully be just a few people who will need a lift. Regarding the family, FIL's sister is the only survivor of that generation, and she also lives locally, as do her (adult) children, but we'll need to check that one of them will be giving her a lift.

GazzaHT

Sorry for your loss.

Echo what the others have said on here, my mum's wishes were the same.

The Funeral Director we went with were excellent, offered everything like cars etc but were totally fine with what we went with and didn't apply any pressure or hard sales.