Should I tell my fiance? (Self-employed and added £13k to CC debt this year )

DigForVictory

Mr.Generous wrote: »

sit down with a drink, tell him you love him but you have done something stupid. I think it will be a relief to him its only money.

This is bang on.
If you can end the tale with "and I've spoken to National Debtline" etc, so you can both see a path forward, then so much the better, but if not at least planning to & asking him to hold you to that is no bad thing.

If he runs off screaming into the woods, then what you have gained against what you have lost is another calculation entirely.

Or show him this thread?

nkkingston

The thing about getting married is you're linking him to this debt as well, so he absolutely needs to know about it. And if, as a married couple, you're going to share the income you receive from this business, you need to think about sharing the set up costs, too. It might be your business, but you're making him part of your family, and that means he gets a say just as you would get a say if he told you he was quitting his job to join the circus. Marriage is about creating a partnership that makes life easier for both people than not being partners - that means benefiting from each other's successes, but it also means fixing each other's mistakes, too.

Have you talked much about money before - about how household expenses will work, kids, retirement plans, whether you're joining accounts fully, partially or not at all? A Practical Wedding has some great articles on money and marriage, and can be a good jumping off point for discussions like this. Think about going into this as having a conversation about money, rather than a fight about debt.

Timing is important - try and ensure you've both eaten something beforehand, but don't leave it until just before bed. You know him better than anyone here. Is he a morning or evening person? Is it better to talk about serious things when he's winding down from work, or on a relaxed day off? Is he someone who holds onto stuff like this and festers over it, or is it one big blow up and over - would a Friday work better or a Monday?

tonycottee

Think if the roles were reversed. Would you prefer to know or not?
Would you be more disappointed if it was kept from you?

EssexHebridean

nkkingston wrote: »

The thing about getting married is you're linking him to this debt as well, so he absolutely needs to know about it. And if, as a married couple, you're going to share the income you receive from this business, you need to think about sharing the set up costs, too. It might be your business, but you're making him part of your family, and that means he gets a say just as you would get a say if he told you he was quitting his job to join the circus. Marriage is about creating a partnership that makes life easier for both people than not being partners - that means benefiting from each other's successes, but it also means fixing each other's mistakes, too.

Have you talked much about money before - about how household expenses will work, kids, retirement plans, whether you're joining accounts fully, partially or not at all? A Practical Wedding has some great articles on money and marriage, and can be a good jumping off point for discussions like this. Think about going into this as having a conversation about money, rather than a fight about debt.

Timing is important - try and ensure you've both eaten something beforehand, but don't leave it until just before bed. You know him better than anyone here. Is he a morning or evening person? Is it better to talk about serious things when he's winding down from work, or on a relaxed day off? Is he someone who holds onto stuff like this and festers over it, or is it one big blow up and over - would a Friday work better or a Monday?

Sorry - to jump in on the point I've marked in bold. Not the case, necessarily. Whether you are linked financially comes down to having a linked financial product, for example a joint bnk kaccount, or a mortgage, NOT being married. or otherwise. The rest of that quoted post makes some really good points though - and the final paragraph is great advice!

OP - for a second, put yourself in the position of being him, and imagine if you found that he had been keeping something like this, that was having such a major effect on him both practically AND emotionally, from you. How would you feel? You must tell him, and quickly, too. If he cancels the wedding then as someone else says, you've had a lucky escape - he is not the man you thought he was, is he.

On another - but equally important - note - start yourself a savings account - if the provider allows you to give it your own name then call it "Tax account" - and from now on, put the correct percentage (or a slight over-estimation) of earnings away EVERY time you get paid. That account doesn't belong to you, it's the taxman's. You REALLY can't afford to get into a muddle with tax. Did you make your July payment OK? Have you completed your 2015/16 tax return?

DigForVictory

How're you doing, smithster26?

smithster26

Thank you everyone, this is all very helpful advice that I am digesting. (thank you @digforvictory)

I am making regular payments into my own "tax account" @essexhebridean and have just billed enough work to make the Jan payment and next July too. I've never missed a tax payment and I have now set up a regular transfer into this account on a monthly basis so there's no excuse.

I am speaking to the debtline today, thank you James for the information. I will be telling him imminently once I have received their advice. I do have a repayment plan in place and it is manageable and sensible. I have already gleamed a huge amount of insight into this from the DFW threads.

I realise some of you may think I've been foolish in getting myself into this situation and my handling of it to this point, and I'd agree, however I also know that I am not the first to make a mistake like this and I am doing all I can to rectify it.

Thank you for your support and advice everyone, it has been invaluable.

DigForVictory

It takes courage. Don't let it ruin your weekend with anticipation.
All the very best!