In debt and worried sick

Kitkat21

Hi this is my first ever forum post so please be gentle with me! I really need to talk to someone as am at the end of my tether and having very bad thoughts so here goes.. I'm massively in debt and hiding it from my oh.
He has no idea about my debts as I've hidden it so well but the stress and worry is destroying me. I've remortgaged the house twice without him knowing to pay off debts built up on loans, store cards and credit cards and then rebuilt those debts up again. I now have a dmp with stepchange which am halfway through and they've been fantastic and can't recommend them highly enough so feel like I've made some headway as I will never put myself in this situation again. I've been on antidepressants for a long time and I think half of the problem with my mental health is due to the stress from my debts. My oh is a real worrier and hates owing money or being in debt and he will be so angry with me that it makes me feel ill thinking about telling him but am now in a position that I have to. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep and constantly worrying and feel like I can't go on anymore. I have to tell him but just don't know how.

Wannamove

Hi,

I was in exactly the same position as you, I could have written your post myself.

In March this year I had no choice but to finally tell my Husband, he worries about debt and owing money and he seriously thought we were doing well so I thought it was going to destroy us.
I used to think it would be easier to move out and leave than to own up to the debt, but in the end I wrote it all down every debt and all the figures I had been paying out. I started the letter with I am so sorry and couldn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry.

I'd already contacted Step change so put all this into my letter and then I sat down one evening after carrying the letter around for 2 months and I really didn't have any choice left and I handed him the letter.

I thought my heart was going to jump out my body waiting for a reply, but he was really good about it and totally surprised me. He was gutted I'd been through so much stress and hadn't told him.

Since then we have talked about money every day and made plans it's such a relief to share it with him now and I really wish I told him years ago. I hope you have a similar experience to me when you do tell him. It's the worse thing I've ever done but the relief after was incredible.

There is more to life than debt I've finally realised.

Take Care

[Deleted User]

Hug to you Hun.

I would honestly sit him down and tell him the truth about everything, warts and all. Yes he will be annoyed and angry at first, a few posters on here have been in the same situation and will probably tell you the same.

Sit down, go through everything owed, fill in a SOA as to you know where your money is going.

Speak to Stepchange, see if there's anything they can do to help, they may be able to offer advice?

I'm sure someone with better advice can offer some insight too more than me.

Hugs to you xxx

sapphi2ndrow

Oh dear in really sorry to hear all this! Good that you've got yourself help tho and I'm sure your OH will see that. Bless you! You have to be honest with him now and give him a chance to support you. He might be angry at 1st but, he probably won't be as angry as you are at yourself. Things have a way of working themselves out don't they. Good luck be brave there is light at the end of the tunnel xx

Kitkat21

Thank you all so much for your comments, you don't know how much it means to me xx I'm so scared of disappointing him and the repercussions as I know he will struggle to move on. The thing is its always been me who deals with the finances and sorting everything out like appointments and things and he's so used to it so he can then blame me when things go wrong. He's self employed and works been really bad the last 5 years so I've been paying nearly all the bills which has put yet more strain on me while trying to hide my debts too. I'm not trying to make excuses as the debts occurred before this but I can't do everything on my own and that's how it feels.

flye966

I am in a very similar situation to you. Large cc debt that my husband doesn't know about. I am trying to build up the courage to tell him. I know exactly how you feel. I think writing it down is a good idea. Having a plan to show you are dealing with things. Try to stay positive.

[Deleted User]

Make sure you tell him this too.

You both need to work together to move on and clear the debt, no matter what happens.

lessonlearned

Kitkat21 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your comments, you don't know how much it means to me xx I'm so scared of disappointing him and the repercussions as I know he will struggle to move on. The thing is its always been me who deals with the finances and sorting everything out like appointments and things and he's so used to it so he can then blame me when things go wrong. He's self employed and works been really bad the last 5 years so I've been paying nearly all the bills which has put yet more strain on me while trying to hide my debts too. I'm not trying to make excuses as the debts occurred before this but I can't do everything on my own and that's how it feels.

I'm going to say something which might sound odd. However, if your husband has left all the finances to you then in a way he is also culpable.

I say this as someone who did exactly this. I let my hubsand bear the full responsibility and took no interest. I was no help at all. It was only when he went self emploved and I started doing his books for him that I decided to help with the household accounts too.

The grown up thing is for both partners to take some responsibility for managing the finances. With hindsight I realised I had not been fair making my husband have all the responsibility.

If you work together it will be much easier and you will clear the debts more quickly when you are both fully committed to a plan.

Good luck.

EssexHebridean

Kitkat21 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your comments, you don't know how much it means to me xx I'm so scared of disappointing him and the repercussions as I know he will struggle to move on. The thing is its always been me who deals with the finances and sorting everything out like appointments and things and he's so used to it so he can then blame me when things go wrong. He's self employed and works been really bad the last 5 years so I've been paying nearly all the bills which has put yet more strain on me while trying to hide my debts too. I'm not trying to make excuses as the debts occurred before this but I can't do everything on my own and that's how it feels.

Well done for posting asking for help on this one - acknowledging that things have to change is nearly always the hardest bit.

You;'re right about needing to tell your OH - and needing to do it soon As you've managed to remortgage the house I presume that for whatever reason (because of his self-employment perhaps) it's in your name only - but regardless of that you clearly realise that you've breached trust there - that I suspect will be the hardest thing for him to come to terms with. The thing he will probably be angriest about is your not telling him about the debts - he will feel that you didn't trust him and that will hurt - BUT while that hurt will be there a little time and some rational thought and he'll come to understand your reasons.

I've highlighted the section in bold for a reason too - NO HE CAN'T. Unless he's tried to take an interest in things and you've been the one telling him to keep out of it, then it's been his choice not to get involved in the finances. I wouldn't for a second suggest saying anything on this front which will suggest you're trying to shift blame - on the contrary you need to be very clear to him that you DO take responsibility - however if he tries to say it's all down to you and he washes his hands of it then you need to gently point out that you had tried previously to involve him in the finances as well. Hopefully as Lessonlearned says, he will take on board that he was foolish not to take an interest and a share of responsbility from the start.

Going forwards, working together is key. With the house being in your name only it's critical that you sort these things out as otherwise HE loses his home, too. Once you're financially on an even keel again I suggest that you take steps to get his name added to your mortgage / the title to the house too - if nothing else this shows trust in each other for the future.

-taff

I agree with the other who've said he is also responsible because he didn't want to know what was happening. If his business hasn't been great for the last few years and you]ve been paying all the bills, I wonder where he thinks the money is coming from to pay the bills, as I expect he's got a fair grasp of your income.

It may be his business is really bad which is why he's not sharing his own expenditures. Brace yourself in case your debt is bigger than you expect.

You do have to talk to him though, because if you don't, what will change? You'll still be stressed and physically/emotionally drained.

x__Indigo_x

-taff wrote: »

If his business hasn't been great for the last few years and you]ve been paying all the bills, I wonder where he thinks the money is coming from to pay the bills, as I expect he's got a fair grasp of your income.

.

THIS . speak to him you cannot and should not have to deal with this alone. I know its harsh but where does he think the money is coming from now his income has reduced, a money tree? I suspect he has an idea about the situation but deals with it by blocking it out and thinking you will deal with it. A man with a business isn't stupid enough to think that a reduced income would not mean reduced outgoings or debt getting bigger. Furthermore when signing for a re mortgage did he not have to sign?


Be brave and speak to him! x