No relationship between father and son...

Jackieboy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Not necessarily - after all, if a parent is disinterested for years when the kid has been, to all intents and purposes, a model child, to ignore it when they do something wrong reinforces the 'I don't care about you'. Why bother being well behaved, why bother being the one who does their homework, why bother walking away from stuff that sounds like a laugh if the only reward is the parent just not caring one way or the other?

I wonder whether the not seeing the eldest was a response to his father not being particularly interested in the boy earlier? It often gets painted as the evil ex doing it to get back at the absent parent, but it's not always the case; sometimes it's the result of somebody having had enough of arguments about refusing to attend parents' evenings, not bothering with any school plays, not taking the kid out but leaving the other parent to be the only one engaged with their child and perhaps ignoring the child whether they do well or get into trouble. And, yes, seeing the absent parent suddenly become a hands on parent with a subsequent child when they've not been remotely interested in their first child's existence or wellbeing.


The final part of that could also translate to your son - he's gone from feeling close to his father to possibly feeling cast aside once the eldest was back in the picture. To the extent that he's almost accepted it, going by his 'Three Musketeers' analogy. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still, but it's sad that he has been put in that position by his father.

Refusing to speak to a child is abusive - it's sending the message that 'I don't care about you'. There's a whole world of difference between 'I don't know what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing because I'm disappointed/angry, so I'm going to take a little time to think before I speak' and 'I'm not speaking to HIM [because I know that will hurt /I don't actually care/I've got my boy so don't need to waste my time with another kid]', the latter being how it could feel to your son.


It's not easy and, whilst the actual events leading to this aren't in themselves hugely significant (skivving off one lesson and being a bit of a wally, then getting caught because a mate is an ever bigger wally), as they're the sort of daft things that teenagers get up to at school - although I would point out to him that seriously, it's really not worth the hassle to be chewing gum in class when you're on report - the underlying stuff is significant.

You can't make a parent care or be interested. But you can let your son talk about it to you if he wants, encourage time with his grandfather and hopefully the knowledge of the love and care that the rest of you freely give him will give him the emotional strength to cope with the failings of his father.

Oh, and bearing in mind his age, he'll probably do a couple more daft things and still be forgetting to do his homework right up until halfway through Year 10 . It's what teenagers do - by year 11, all but a very few, usually those from the most chaotic homes, are sorted.

As I said before - not good parenting, obviously , but certainly not abuse.

Loz01

Very tough - I would struggle to be married to someone who showed such blatant disinterest in his own child!! Not being bothered etc isn't good enough, he HAS to engage and try and support you and his son, it shouldn't all be put on your shoulders.

Could they go out for a day, just the two of them and spend a bit of time together? Football, fishing, shopping, even just to KFC?? I know your husband might think this is "rewarding" him for bad behaviour but it sounds like some bridges need building...

hollydays

Withholding affection, ignoring, silent treatment all powerful passive forms of emotional abuse.

Robisere

As the granddad of a ds and a dd whose marriages broke up, I see the granddad in this situation as a key family member.

My ds has raised his two alone from very young and they do not miss their mother because the eldest unfortunately remembers the abuse and neglect. And our son has become a wonderful parent, blamed himself for the treatment the children received and has made a great life for them all. They are now 18 and 20 and turning into good, responsible people.

My dd's eldest son was a very different story though. Her husband left her with a small child and ran to his secretary, whom he later married and divorced. Dad was coming to see his son at first, then stopped, demanding that our dd paid for his son to travel to see him. When she could not afford to do this, all contact with my grandson by his dad, ended. I fell into the male role model part at first by accident, but I became his confidant and I tried hard to do the best I could for him. I took him out, built computers, took him on holiday with us. Eventually he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, but as a very intelligent lad I helped him at college, where he managed by way of a great, understanding tutor, to pass exams and get a really good job in IT, where he is now a key member of the workforce. I helped him find a flat and his mum and grandma taught him to cook. His mum had found a much better partner and they had a daughter, now 11. They adore each other. It took a while for him to accept the new guy, but now they get along well. he is now in his early 20's.

But all through this time I worried: how is he really doing inside, without a dad? I was loath to bring up his dad, but one day a couple of years ago, when I was helping him upgrade his latest monster PC, I asked him if he missed his dad. Back came the short, forceful answer "No!" I must have looked a bit upset, because his voice softened and he came back with "I don't need him granddad, haven't needed him since I was little. I have you." I cannot tell you how that made me feel.

That is why I say that the granddad is the key to this problem. If he can get inside the grandson's head and find how he feels about his dad, granddad can try to pass that on to the dad. If dad is till not interested, let the lad have more time with granddad. A lad needs a male figure that he can just do stuff with, and most of all know that whatever he tells granddad, is not going anywhere else. That is what I used to tell my gson: "If you don't want anyone else to know, that's fine. But if it helps to tell someone, I'm here"

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Robisere wrote: »

<snippped>

That is why I say that the granddad is the key to this problem. If he can get inside the grandson's head and find how he feels about his dad, granddad can try to pass that on to the dad. If dad is till not interested, let the lad have more time with granddad. A lad needs a male figure that he can just do stuff with, and most of all know that whatever he tells granddad, is not going anywhere else. That is what I used to tell my gson: "If you don't want anyone else to know, that's fine. But if it helps to tell someone, I'm here"

Just wanted to say, Rob, you're amazing - even if you don't realise it.