Lack of relationship with my Dad

alice_kate_2

We've had an on/off relationship since my teens (I'm mid 20s now!).

We've had the odd brief text now and then but I last saw him a year ago today. He doesn't even live far. He's not with my mum and in my head I guess I think his new partner has had a big part in the breakdown of our relationship.

I feel oddly okay about it? We recently moved house and I've invited him twice and both times was a no show. I don't even know how I feel about it? I don't want to be let down again but I feel I've done all I can? Should I be sadder? I have a great family on my mum's side and a lovely stepfather.

Has anyone else been in this position? I guess I just don't know who to talk to about it as my OH, friends etc. just don't understand and my family are biased against him?!

I feel like I would feel guilty if I didn't keep trying.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

ska_lover

If you are happy with the way things are, then everything is hunky dory.


I think the worst thing you can do is compare yourself to other families and how they relate to each other cos it does make you look at your own situation and wonder why it isn't the same.


My OH's family are very close, suffocatingly so, compared to my family who rarely see each other

april87

Been in a sort of similar situation, though my dad isn't my biological dad. Haven't spoke to him in years, but when I see him I'm always polite and say hello etc. His new wife had a big part in 'destroying' his relationship with his kids, so much so a few of us have nothing to do with him.

Like you I'm ok with that, as far as I see it, I've tried being nice and polite and I get nothing from him barely a hello. It's harder when everyone is so against him too, but again I'm kind of over all that. This has been going on for about 10 years now and I've realised who my family are and it's funny that I have a better relationship with my dads ex gf then I do him. I hope it works out for you, and if not then they way I see it he doesn't deserve you

ManofLeisure_2

Sorry to hear this. Yes, I've been in a very similar situation, which tore me to bits at times. Then a friend offered me a few words of his wisdom and I never looked back. He simply said that 'those who care matter, whilst those who don't care, don't matter at all'. Obvious I suppose, but when I thought carefully about those words my view of the person concerned, changed entirely.

My advice would be to celebrate all that you have and not to dwell on this negative situation.

Best wishes to you

Primrose

Why not write and ask him why he's reluctant to engage with you if you don't have enough personal contact to be able ask him face to face. Tell him you don't want to get to later in your life and look back with regret that there was not enough contact between you.

If you feel his partner is partly to blame, all you can do is to continue to include her in your invitations or friendly letters and see where it leads. If it doesn't lead anywhere maybe you will have to accept that this is one family branch that will never be close. In that case you will just have to concentrate your efforts on the good relationships you already have.

He obviously couldn't maintain a continuous loving relationship with your mother so perhaps it shouldn't necessarily be too much of a surprise that he regards his daughter with a similar degreee of detachment. Maybe he is simply not good family relationship material, in which case it will be him who will be the long term loser, especially if in the longer term you have children with whom he has no relationship.

Top_Girl

I have the same issue.

My dad left my brother and I with our bi polar mother aged 11 and 12, to be with a woman he had met at work, who he later married. She moved her drug addict boyfriend in and we were taken into care within the year.

Dad made no effort to get us back, his wife didn't want us around and that was that. Then he divorced her, citing alcoholism and promised he'd buy a house big enough for him and us (14 and 15) to live in.

Soon after, he met wife 3, who didn't want us, and that was that.

He visits me around once a month, takes my son and I to visit my grandmother, and he and wife 3 'buy' me bath stuff I can't use due to skin allergies every birthday and Christmas. My brother turned to alcohol(ism) and drank himself to death successfully two and a half years ago.

Some people just aren't cut out to be parents, I'm afraid. Not your/our fault, theirs.

krlyr

If you don't miss the relationship then I wouldn't worry about it. But if you want to make contact, that's your choice, no matter about your family's bias. It's about your feelings, no one else.

If it does help though, I've had absolutely no relationship with my dad for the last 13 years, and no desire to establish one. I too have a great stepdad, who's been more of a father to me. I wouldn't be friends with my biological dad based on his behaviour/morals, and I don't see why I should maintain a relationship just because we're related.

sparkychris

My dad abandoned me pretty much as soon as I clawed my way into the world... He hasn't missed much, and neither have I.

Don't waste your time worrying about people that don't worry about you just because you share dna. There are billions of other people on the planet that could potentially be more worth knowing than daddykins so get out there and say hello to them. Failing that, you could always become angry and bitter about the hand you've been dealt and turn to hard drugs to ease your pain....

If you go the hard drugs route, it's got to be heroin. Looks far more glamorous than meth.....

Pollycat

alice_kate wrote: »

We've had an on/off relationship since my teens (I'm mid 20s now!).

We've had the odd brief text now and then but I last saw him a year ago today. He doesn't even live far. He's not with my mum and in my head I guess I think his new partner has had a big part in the breakdown of our relationship.

I feel oddly okay about it? We recently moved house and I've invited him twice and both times was a no show. I don't even know how I feel about it? I don't want to be let down again but I feel I've done all I can? Should I be sadder? I have a great family on my mum's side and a lovely stepfather.

Has anyone else been in this position? I guess I just don't know who to talk to about it as my OH, friends etc. just don't understand and my family are biased against him?!

I feel like I would feel guilty if I didn't keep trying.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I wouldn't feel guilty and I wouldn't keep banging my head against the wall.

Just because he had a hand (well, a diffferent bit of his anatomy to be more accurate) in your existence it doesn't mean you have to get on.

If you've invited him twice and he's been inconsiderate enough not to even turn up, I'd stop trying.

I write as someone whose own Father didn't pay a penny for my upkeep, didn't send a single birthday or Christmas card.
I saved my love for the man who was my 'real' Dad, the guy who worked hard to put a roof over my, my Mum's and my sister's head - my lovely, sadly-missed stepfather.

alice_kate_2

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I do think I should try not to let it bother me anymore.

I have done my best and I can't do anymore.

Pollycat you are right - I have people who care about me and that's who I should focus on

TBagpuss

alice_kate wrote: »

We've had an on/off relationship since my teens (I'm mid 20s now!).

We've had the odd brief text now and then but I last saw him a year ago today. He doesn't even live far. He's not with my mum and in my head I guess I think his new partner has had a big part in the breakdown of our relationship.

I feel oddly okay about it? We recently moved house and I've invited him twice and both times was a no show. I don't even know how I feel about it? I don't want to be let down again but I feel I've done all I can? Should I be sadder? I have a great family on my mum's side and a lovely stepfather.

Has anyone else been in this position? I guess I just don't know who to talk to about it as my OH, friends etc. just don't understand and my family are biased against him?!

I feel like I would feel guilty if I didn't keep trying.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Re the bolded. No, you shouldn't feeel sadder. You feel how you feel, and you are simply being honest wih yourself about how you feel. It would not help you, or anyone, to try to manufacture a different set of feelings.

It sounds as though he hasn't made much of an effort to build or maintain a relationship, as as a result, you don't have much of a relationship so you don't feel much of a loss.

That sounds quite a healthy and balanced response to the situation, to me.

In relation to feeling guilty, much the same applies. Why should you feel guilty, when he is the one who is not making any efort to maintain a relationship?

What I would suggest is that you do what feels right to you. You don't have any obnligation to kep up any contact with him, or to make any effort, but if not doing so is going to mean you feel guilty (even though you have no reason to, you are not guilty of anything!) then do what you need to so that *you* feel compofrtable with yourself.

This might mean doing things which allow you to feel that you are keeping the door open, but which don't result in any major inconvenoence or upset for you if he doesn't repsond.

For intstance, send him a christmas card, but don't invite him to christmas dinner and be left upset or stressed becaue he hasn't responded.

If you want to, invite him to things such as (say) a BBQ or other casual event where things are informal and it won't matter, or affect your catering or other plans, whether or not he responds, or whether he shows up.

Send him a change of address card so he has your up to date contact details (include phone numbers / e-mail address etc if you'd be happy for him to contact you in those ways)

whether he does so is up to him, but you've done your bit, you've kept him in the loop, you've let him know you're open to his contacting you. The ball is in his court.

And it sounds as though you have a family in the true sense - people who care about you, and with whom you have a relationship. Enjoy those relationships, and don't feel guilty about not having a relaionship with someone how has chosen not to have a relationship with you.