Debt Problem With My Ex

ml1973

Hi

I don't know if this is the right section of this forum to post this thread so apologies if it's wrong.

I'll start from the beginning and tell my story, I'm not looking for sympathy or a dressing down, I know I've done wrong but I am trying to sort it the very best I can.

I have a very severe gambling problem and I am up to my neck in debt. I not only used my money to gamble with but also used my girlfriends when we were still together.

We were together for around 4 years from 2011-2015. I would use her money to gamble with, she knew about this and whilst she wasn't happy obviously, she helped me through it. I hated myself but couldn't help it, usual story.

I also took out payday loan in her name which she knew about, I have paid them back but they weren't always paid back on time so she has a few defaults. I really do hate what I've done and am appalled at myself for doing this.

I had been paying her back since June 2014, £400-£700 a month from my wages. I'm not a big earner so it was quite a lot for me. For 5 months my wages would go straight into her account but then she would refuse to give me bus money to get to work so I had to stop that and start the £400-£700 a month payments again.

Anyway fast forward to late 2015 and we broke up. We had an arrangement to pay the debt back (it wasn't written down, it was a verbal agreement)and everything was going fine but then she started to say she wanted it paid back in large lump sums. I had initially been paying back £750 but now she wanted big payments.

I just couldn't manage this and by asking a compulsive gambler to get lump sums of money is just going to lead to trouble, I started gambling to get the big lump sums and couldn't even maintain the payments of £750 for a few months because I had blown it all.

I have restarted the £750 monthly payments again but she isn't happy, she wants more. She has never actually given me a breakdown of what I owe her. She keeps changing the total. Today it is now apparantely £18,000 that I owe.

I've asked her time and time again for the breakdown but she never gives it to me. I know I should push her for it but she has threatened to report me to the police for theft and fraud and also tell all my friends and family. Basically I'm scared so I agree to anything she says. No the situation is really getting to breaking point.

I really want to sort this and I've been trying my up most to fix the problem that I've created. I simply do not earn enough to give her satisfactory monthly payments, a loan is out of the question, parents/friends are a no go.

I really do not know what to do. I know it's all my fault but I feel suicidal. I've got no where to turn and I simply cannot get large amounts of money quickly.

If anyone has any advice please help?

Thank you

sourcrates

Hi,

Do you not know how much you borrowed in her name ?

What you did was not good, but I think she is now trying to take advantage of the situation.
As you have no written contract, there's nothing leagally she can do about the money your paying her, however she could report you for fraud, take you to the small claims court, and get judgement that way.

That may not be a bad idea actually, then at least you will know how much is owed, as she will have to provide evidence to the court, and a more affordable payment plan can be arranged.

I would call her bluff if I were you, see where that leads.

ml1973

Hi

Thanks for your reply. I probably borrowed near on 15k in her name (a lot of it loan rollovers) but I was always paying it back on time with money I was transferring into her bank account from mine. I did miss some payments and the total amount that defaulted in her name was around £1400 which I have cleared and that was from 2012/13.

Sambella

Stop paying her until she shows you hard evidence of what remains to be paid.

If she reports you for fraud etc just deal with it. You may end up paying a much more reasonable figure. Sometimes it's better to face up to things than have someone having a hold over you which they may use for their own gain. She could possibly get in trouble for having known all this time but has done nothing and is now using it to blackmail you. Who knows?

andyfromotley

hi ml,

another compulsive gambler here so no judgement. Lets look at where we are and what we know to be right.

1.You owe her some money.
2. You are happy to repay that money.
3. The repayments have to be on a sensible and manageable scale.
4.Your ex hasnt provided accurate figures so she has to my mind taken herself out of that equation

this is the hard part. You need to sit down and HONESTLY try to calculate how much you owe her. How much debt was she left with. How much of her money did you gamble with and not repay. Now the temptation will be to minimise this amount. Dont. Be as accurate and as honest as you can. If in doubt i would over estimate in her favour. When you are truly happy that the figure is about right decide sensibly what you can repay each month. then tell her all of this and give her a chance to reply. If she can provide good evidence that this is correct then adjust it. Do not adjust it just because she says so. Do not be guilt tripped into paying more in total or each month than you can afford.

This will have a massive impact in your recovery because recovering compulsive gamblers recover best when they make amends to those that were harmed by our acts. It is also a step toward living an honest and normal life.

Forget threats about the police etc. Wont happen and they wont do anything even if she does.

Why do your family and your friends not know that you have a gambling problem? Secrecy is a terrible thing for compulsive gamblers. whilst telling people can be hard and bring feelings of shame my own experience has been overwhelmingly positive over the years.

If you have not already done so please please get yourself along to GA. It is my firm belief that for most CG's it is the only realistic route back to a normal way of thinking and living.

I hope my advice helps. good luck.

Spoonhead88

From some very quick maths, you have paid her back nearly 15k

14 months at £400 June 14 - Sept 15 £5600
12 months at £750 Sept 15 - Sept 16 £9000

You may have paid more you may have paid less your description of payments was a bit vague on some points.

I think £15k is enough. If you have go check through email account and phones to see if you have any written record of her talking about you opening pay day loans in her name/using her money to gamble with.

You also need to break down all the payments you have made to her and made to the debts you incurred in her name. Then tell her you won't be paying anything till she gives you a hard break down of what she thinks you owe her.

National_Debtline

Hi ml1973


You have had some good advice above. I would be asking your ex to provide a definitive written statement of what she believes you owe - with breakdowns to explain this figure wherever possible. You also need to let her know that you will be thoroughly documenting everything as well. It is crucial that you focus on sticking to the facts and keeping it as businesslike as possible. She may want to try and make it emotive in order to blur things, which is why doing everything in writing now will be best - it helps prevent you from acting/reacting in haste.


It's not great for you to be in a position where the only other person who knows about your past problems with gambling etc. is the same person who is now trying to exert a position of dominance over you. That creates a serious power imbalance between the two of you. I can only echo andy's recommendation that you share this with others, even if it is just Gamblers Anon to begin with.


Wishing you all the best with this.


Dennis
@natdebtline

kazwookie

Make sure any payments you do make to her are trackable, ie not cash

Rosylee

Please take the advice offered, put everything in writing and pay electronically so you can have a record.

ml1973

Thanks everyone for the good advice. I did foolishly give some money back as cash when we were still together which surprisingly she cannot remember. Since then though everything has been in electronic form. I maybe wasn't too clear in my first post, I meant to say I can't ask my family or friends for help with any money towards paying my ex back, my parents do know I have a gambling problem and have tried there best to support me. I live in the North East of Scotland so getting professional help can be quite difficult because it's a small place but I have found a GA meeting this Saturday which I will attend.

Thanks again for all support and help everyone!!

thegreenone

Spoonhead88 wrote: »

From some very quick maths, you have paid her back nearly 15k

14 months at £400 June 14 - Sept 15 £5600
12 months at £750 Sept 15 - Sept 16 £9000

You may have paid more you may have paid less your description of payments was a bit vague on some points.

I think £15k is enough. If you have go check through email account and phones to see if you have any written record of her talking about you opening pay day loans in her name/using her money to gamble with.

You also need to break down all the payments you have made to her and made to the debts you incurred in her name. Then tell her you won't be paying anything till she gives you a hard break down of what she thinks you owe her.

And more if she had the whole of OP's salary for five months.