Advice needed re: asked to leave home and children...living with mum, what can I do

Fthats

Hello, I am here seeking any advice on my relationship breakup and the situation I now find myself in with my property. It’s a very complicated situation so I’ll do my best to break down into simple facts and omit all the minor details...

I had been in a relationship for 14 years with the ex and we have 2 children together aged 3 & 7, I am named on both birth certificates and we are not married. We purchased our mortgage in November 2011 as joint owners for £197,000, during that time we have had difficulties in our relationship and it ended up with us going to couple counselling for a period. In February this year she asked me to leave for 6 months so she could have some space, I agreed with this as a temporary arrangement and went to stay with my mother, it was agreed that while I was away she would pay the mortgage - the only thing I took from the flat was my clothes, everything else remains in the flat with her.

During the start of the 6 months the ex failed to keep to the promises she made regarding me having contact with my children and went back on financial agreements that we had made. After 3 months I contacted her to say perhaps we speak to the kids as a family so they know i’d be coming back eventually...She said I wasnt welcome back and that I had agreed to move out, she made it clear if I came back it would destabailse the children even more. She says that I dont deserve to come back because I didnt pay the mortgage while I was gone (and other ridiculous reasons) and so it was no longer my home. The entire situation feels engineered to me and I cant help but feel a sense of injustice. I am supposed to see the kids on Sundays, which for the most part I do but often my ex cancels because they are invited to parties/christenings/friends.

I am now in a state of limbo - Our property is now worth around £300,000 but she refuses to sell and by her own admission she can’t afford to buy me out. When I lived there I worked and she looked after the children for the most part, I saved up the deposit, took out loans to improve the property, bought many of the items in the property. My partner has stated in writing to me that at most she thinks a fair amount for me would be 1/4 of the equity as there are 3 of them and 1 of me. I don't want to lose my investment but can't move on without getting a decent amount, I have large debts from building that home and now with child support I can't afford new hosing.

Regardless of our relationship I was always a loving, hands on Dad and have been finding it hard being away from the kids. Unfortunately I have suffered with depression in the past, and the whole situation has knocked me for six to the point I am currently signed off sick. She knows that I am living with my Mother and she has also suggested taking £5k/£10 out of the mortgage somehow as a solution so I can afford to rent and get out of my Mums, that suggestion seems like more of a sweetener to me than a solution...£5K for a lifetimes work and investment!?. I’m not sure what to do as any mention from me of a 50/50 split is met with ‘it would be the worst thing for the kids’ & ‘I can’t afford to rent or get another mortgage’.

I am worried that just by not being in the flat I might find myself penalised further down the line if it goes through the court system even though it is not through choice.

Edit - I have been paying full child maintenance during the separation/live in the UK

Edit 2 - Was just thinking. As she says i'm not welcome back but I feel I was unjustly made to leave, could I get any kind of order to return to the property despite what she says she thinks I am entitled to do?

Levs01

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in and all I can suggest is speaking with a solicitor asap and finding out where you stand legally. Good luck.

SavingSteve

Agree, also as much as it was probably good to get that off your chest there's a lot of info there which frankly is none of our business and you're better off keeping private.

Floxxie

You could try the wikivorce site for some guidance.

wolfplayer

This is so very similar to the situation one of my pals is in. Two kids about the same age.

He saved the deposit, paid the mortgage and holidays and treats.

He also feels it's all very unjust. Understandably upset, missing kids, and feeling lost (wondering what was it all for, other than 2 really good kids).

I told him to look at the immediate upside, and that is to be grateful he has a parent to go live with - willing to give him her spare bedroom in 2 bed downsize flat, at very little cost. It could be so much worse without that, such as bedsit or room in a HMO in a lower-end area.

pga_2

You will find it hard. As that is the residence of your children a judge will not let you sell the house. You can have it so when the children come of age the house is then sold.
I would suggest speaking to a divorce lawyer quickly. Also, find the best one. You can go and speak to lawyers for free, if you speak to as many as you can for advice in the local area it will make it more difficult for her as it will be a conflict of interest.


I would not accept any financial offers from her, I would also start keeping a diary of events. You need to be proactive.

Alter_ego

pga wrote: »

I would suggest speaking to a divorce lawyer quickly.

Great idea, except they are not married.

ZoPig2016

Family lawyers will be able to advise married or not. I would get proper advice and quickly. It does sound to me like you could be left in a trickier situation if you leave it - you may imply consent etc.

Also I would discuss the custody situation and consider getting a court order asap before your relationship with your kids suffers.

Best of luck.

Fthats

Thanks for the advice.

ZoPig2016 - During the 6 Months I do have it in writing (text messages and emails) that I stated I didn't want to leave and that it was not out of choice, hopefully that will at some point be beneficial to me.

The trouble is with getting a court order to see my kids is that at the moment I don't have anything but my clothes and a tiny little room - As much as I want to see them I don't have any money now, a place for them to stay or any entertainment for them - The loans I have taken out for living expenses and the flat were coming out of our joint account, now I am paying it all off myself. My monthly expenses are more than I earn and I don't even have a home!

I feel totally powerless. Obviously we are going to do mediation shortly, but we are so far apart in terms of what is fair. Does anyone know...When someone buys the other out of a mortgage does past loans, home improvements, mortgage payments come into it? or is it JUST an equity issue?

elsien

pga wrote: »

You will find it hard. As that is the residence of your children a judge will not let you sell the house. You can have it so when the children come of age the house is then sold.
.

I would check whether this is correct or not. I'm sure it's possible to sell the flat and for both parties to downsize to cheaper ones. There may be an obligation to house the children but that doesn't have to be where they are now.

Your kids aren't going to care that you don't have lots of money to spend on them. They just want to see you. Don't let that put you off seeing them.

KRB2725

The property is jointly owned, if you decide to move back in it may make your ex more willing to find a compromise that suits both of you - and your children.


ETA - just re read your post and saw the bit at the end. As far as I'm aware (& I'm sure someone will correct me quickly if I am wrong), you do not need any kind of order to move back in. It is still partially your house.