I feel so desperate and fed up!

Plsnomorechaos

Not really sure if I should be posting this but I feel so desperate, and my life on the outside is fantastic but on the inside its so different. Im with my partner of many years and we have 2 kiddies. We come from very different back grounds, I've come from chaos! We get on very well but there's something which makes me feel so down and its how we can't talk about anything serious or about doing things cause he doesn't talk he tells and I am always in the wrong and everything is always my fault. Its not even something that has only just started, I suppose it's always been an issue but with 2 kids and the finances not being the best it's not where we should be but everything I approach him about it he just turns it around on me and says its me. Everything is me! Financial problems are me, messy house is because of me, no food in the house is also me, he doesn't take responsibility for anything. I am so fed up of feeling this way but when it's good it's good. I suppose you can't have everything in life but I would just like to feel that it's not my fault.

Guest101

Plsnomorechaos wrote: »

Not really sure if I should be posting this but I feel so desperate, and my life on the outside is fantastic but on the inside its so different. Im with my partner of many years and we have 2 kiddies. We come from very different back grounds, I've come from chaos! We get on very well but there's something which makes me feel so down and its how we can't talk about anything serious or about doing things cause he doesn't talk he tells and I am always in the wrong and everything is always my fault. Its not even something that has only just started, I suppose it's always been an issue but with 2 kids and the finances not being the best it's not where we should be but everything I approach him about it he just turns it around on me and says its me. Everything is me! Financial problems are me, messy house is because of me, no food in the house is also me, he doesn't take responsibility for anything. I am so fed up of feeling this way but when it's good it's good. I suppose you can't have everything in life but I would just like to feel that it's not my fault.

How old are the kids? Do you work? Is it your responsibility to get shopping in? Do you overspend? Are household tasks your job?

indsty

It's probably not your fault - and even if it was it is your partner's responsibility to help you and his children - not just walk away from it all. Only you can know how much unhappiness he is causing you and how much you are prepared to put up with. If you imagine life without him, where it was just you and the children - would the "chaos" still be there? Or would it be so much easier and calmer without him.

You say "when it's good it's good" - but when is that exactly? What percentage is good or bad.

Nargleblast

What are the positives in your life? You say it can be very good, what are the circumstances that make it good?

How old are your children? Children in the house means you need to have a routine and be organised. If you bumble along in a chaotic mess with no forethought and planning then any partner is going to get fed up with it, particularly if they feel they do their best to keep things running.

Do you both work and contribute to the household finances? If only one of you works then the other needs to pull their weight to keep the household running smoothly, the kids in order and the household finances healthy. If you both work then this has to be done jointly as a team.

I am not trying to criticise you in this - none of us on here are in a position to do that because we don't know you or the full circumstances. What I am trying to do is get you to look objectively at the situation to see your part in it. You may have come from a chaotic background but you cannot let that be an excuse for living in chaos now, not when you have children to consider. Once you get some structure and order in your life you can then examine your relationship with your partner and see what can be improved there.

Ultimately it is down to you. If it is household advice you want, there are plenty of threads in the Old Style section to help. If it is a debt problem then the Debt Free Wannabe forum is the place to go. But firstly try and step back and see the situation objectively, then go on from there.

clarryd

Agree with all above but are you feeling a bit depressed in yourself. I'm not saying you are but sometimes when I'm feeling down things seem to be a lot more bigger than they actually are. I could run away when I feel like this and never turn back, everything is my fault no matter what never anyone else's but I just try to rationalise things as they are not as bad as I have made them out to be.

I'm not saying this is your situation but take a step back and look at your situation from that position, it may not be as bad as you think.

Detroit

Some people are unable to acknowledge personal responsibility for anything negative.
Fundamental to their sence of self is the ability to see themselves as doing no wrong.

They are always in the right in an argument, even if this requires that they twist or misremember events or conversations to make this so.

Every failing on their part must be excused, and often this can only be at the result of blaming someone else.

This doesn't necessarily mean that at a deep level they don't see their faults, rather that they find it almost impossible to acknowledge them, even to themselves.

Often such people are wonderful when things are going well, but hugely challenging and frustrating when they are not.

If your husband is such a person, in truth, I doubt you'll get anywhere on this with discussion.

If you say it upsets you, your husband will continue to deny any fault on his part. He will be unable to face the idea of himself as someone who has upset someone else.

Your options therefore are:

If the good in him outweighs the bad, accept this trait. You can know you're right when you are, you don't need his affirmation.

If this trait is so frustrating, and the problem occurs so frequently you can no longer tolerate it, you may need to end the relationship.

As with all relationships, you need to balance the bad against the good, and act accordingly.

FBaby

Sounds like you are stuck in the rut of stress and struggling to see the wider picture because both are prisoners to your frustrations and anxieties.

The only way forward is to try to re-instate your friendship, ie. communicate how you both feel with the reassurance that you will be listened to. It's usually a two way street, you don't feel listened to, so you don't listen to what the person you love has to say either. This leads to becoming totally self-absorbed, focusing on the changes the others need to make rather than what we need to do to make things better.