Quite long, Feel so down since getting kittens.

Tiglath

I feel for you, OP - I have multiple cats and most of them love my husband best. We took in 2 semi-feral kittens a few years ago, and it took months for them to settle. The female never really has and mostly lives outside. When I had them in the bedroom with me, we had a felt goldfish on stick and elastic and I used to bounce it around to entice them out from under the bed, bounce it on their backs, and gradually substitute so I could stroke them without them realising. Some cats are just gits, and I say that as a devoted cat slave. It took 11 years (yes really) for one of our rescues to decide we were okay and come out from living mostly behind the washing machine; we still can't pick her up but she will at least enjoy a fuss on the sofa now. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, so don't feel badly for thinking of rehoming them. Sadly cats are the reason we can't have nice things - it is what it is. I've given up on decent furnishings; they've shredded the arms of the new sofa we got 18 months ago.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Cats have favourite people.

I'm only Madam Fluffyknicker's best friend if there's nobody [strike]else[/strike] better on offer, including small, shrieky children, random friends visiting for the first time and probably any mad axe murderers coming in - all would be fussed by her before she comes to me. She was a matted tangle of venom, rage and pointy bits for a very long time after I took her in, but I had to teach her about proper behaviour, rather than just being about fuss and games. The bedroom rug is rather holey where she's shredded it over the years, and there is a set of tramlines of pulled threads going up the stair carpet where she zooms up and down for ten minutes before going off to sit on OH's knee again (whether he likes it or not). But she's being a cat, not an interior designer. (she doesn't do scratching posts).

Idiot Cat likes OH, if you count torturing him by jumping on his chest when he's asleep, using his face as a claw rest at night, leaping onto his laptop when he's working and leaving dead mice by his chair in the kitchen. And shredding the leg of the table as much as possible whilst he's working there (he does do scratching posts, but prefers the reward of bits of table leg over the floor). But Idiot Cat lays against me on the sofa when he wants a sleep, insists on laying against my legs and feet and yells for me if he comes in from the garden or wakes up and I'm not right by him. I'm quite content that he doesn't seem to think I need mice put by my feet.


They can and will leave a trail of destruction behind them, but they are both affectionate - we don't worry so much about the wholescale demolition, as they're cats; property isn't something they respect, but they are talked to, even if they're being idiots, rather than having NO directed at them all the time. It might seem to your cats that you tell them off and your OH is happy to see them. They may be idiots, but they aren't stupid - they know if you don't like them/their behaviour.

It might sound silly, but try talking to them as you go about your daily routine, even if they aren't obviously within earshot. A soft voice has to be easier on their ears than one that is raised or forceful. Rather than an 'oh God, now you want to go out. Well, go then' or 'now what have you done? Oh, !!!!!!!', a chirpy 'do you want to go out, then? No? OK. Oh, you DO' and raising eyes to Heaven before calling 'who wants Dreamies?' will help them to associate you with nice things as well.

And, daft though it seems, try pretending you're as pleased to see them as your OH is; Idiot Cat comes round the corner practically saying 'Ta-Da!' because he's always had a happy 'hello beautiful/stupid' everytime he's come in the room. Dafter still, try looking at cat body language to see if you can imitate it slightly, little head dips, arm stretches, that sort of thing, as maybe your illness has meant you move quite jerkily or heavily?


The other thing is don't bother with lemon cleaner. Biological washing powder and proper pet enzyme cleaners will do a far better job. As a last resort that is related to smell, chemical warfare - if you clean your sink with bleach, your hands will smell extremely tempting to them, and if they respond to catnip, that might encourage them to see you as Happiness, rather than Getting Told Off.



But no, you aren't a bad person for not finding this fun - especially as you've not had cats before.

kitty08

Liasoa, I think the fact that you're concerned about the cats shows you're a good person. I do think you're under a lot of stress right now, though. Is it possible for you to get out of the house for a while? Perhaps meet a friend for coffee? Or just go for a walk or do something just for you?


I've put together some thoughts, which I hope may be helpful to you


Firstly, regarding the inappropriate elimination, if you haven't already, please take them both to the vet for a full physical examination, including urine tests. When cats don't use a litter tray, or use it but also wee and poo elsewhere, there is very often a physical reason for this, such as a urinary tract infection. Quite often, cats with a UTI don't show any other obvious symptoms, but they can often be in a lot of pain when urinating, which can put them off using the litter tray (they associate the tray with pain, so don't want to go there). From analysing a sample, the vet will be able to pick up whether there is any blood in the sample, which may be indicative of a UTI or bladder crystals. Both can be incredibly painful, but the treatment is usually straightforward. Boy cats are more prone to crystals in the bladder than girl cats, so I would definitely ask for the boy cat's sample to be sent to the lab and tested for crystals. I really would urge you to voice your concerns and the problems you have been having, both the physical and behavioural problems, with your vet. They shouldn't judge you, and don't forget, they have probably seen everything before, and may be able to give you very helpful advice. Also , they will able to refer you to a behaviourist, which from personal experience I would definitely recommend for help in all areas with the cats – both physical and behavioural. Our behaviourist was very helpful in sorting out our tribe! Putting into practice her recommendations, we noticed a big difference in Trifle in a couple of days (she changed from hiding and sleeping under the bed to sleeping in the bed, cuddled up with me) and although Freddie did take somewhat longer (biting issues), he too has improved significantly.

Other thoughts regarding the litter trays. Where are they located in the house? Ideally have at least one on each storey, as it can be a long way for little legs to go up stairs when you're desperate. Kittens can be a bit like small children – they can be so busy and involved in what they're doing that sometime they don't realise they need to “go” until it's almost too late. Are the trays in a quiet, private location? Cats are vulnerable on the tray, so need to feel safe. What kind of litter are you using? Many cats hate the scented varieties. Are you using a tray liner? Again many cats hate this, as it can catch in their laws.
Cleaning up – it's better to use a proprietary product designed for the job such as “urine off” which will clean the spot without leaving an attractive (the cats!) scent. Many cleaners which smell clean to us, actually smell to the cat as though another cat has been and marked his territory by spraying or marking the spot.
If they are persistently marking one spot e.g. behind the TV, sometimes putting tin foil on the spot and a saucer of biscuit may help, as cats don't like to soil their feeding areas . My Freddie was a very “good” kitten, but I was still exhausted, and he did like to wee behind the TV. Just when I thought it would never end, and I had just bought another bottle of “urine off” he suddenly stopped, and so far we've never had another problem.
Regarding the destructive behaviour, this does sound normal for kittens of this age. One of my cats would regularly climb the sitting room curtains, until one day he brought the whole lot down, and never did it again! It's something they should grow out off, but I agree with the other poster who recommended the feather frenzy toy. Anything they can pounce on and “kill” should help with their energy. Like people, cats can be different in what they enjoy, and what suits one cat may not suit another. Freddie loves his feather frenzy, but Kitty prefers a piece of string (locked away after the play session, to prevent accidents) and Trifle is terrified of anything resembling a stick, but loves to play with the soft fabric balls – she will bat them back to me, ready for me to gently toss back to her.
Also I would definitely recommend the Ancol “Fat Boy” scratching post (available from Amazon) Yes, it's big, and rather pricey, but my cats love it, and when we bought it, the furniture scratching and carpet digging stopped overnight. It's tall enough for them so stretch out fully when they scratch, and robust enough so that when one of them jumps on top of it, it doesn't tip over. I have two, one upstairs and one downstairs. The oldest post is well over ten years old, and still going strong, so I look on it as an investment!
Regarding the behavioural issues – I do agree that your girl cat is very anxious and frightened. The Feliway plug in may help calm her, and also you can try adding Zylkene to her food – I've had very good results with very nervous cats. Places to hide are important so she feels safe. Some cats feel safe when they are up high, and others feel safe when they are hiding under something e.g. the bed or a box. Cats will often pick “their” favourite person, but there's no reason why you can't eventually have a good relationship with them too. Also, may I share a piece of advice I was given when we adopted our very shy, nervous cat? I was advised to “let her come to you” i.e. don't try to approach her at all, let her make all the overtures. Is it possible for you to sit on the floor at all, maybe with a tasty treat and just let her come to you in her own time? This is because as we are so tall in comparison to a cat, it can be quite overwhelming and intimidating. Many cats prefer to be stroked on their heads and nowhere else,so that's what I would concentrate on, but again, only on her terms. If you “ignore” her – don't look at her, but just wait, then she should eventually approach you. It may take some time, so sometimes you may want to have a book to read or the radio to listen to! Let her sniff you, and if she rubs her face or head against you then that's a good sign. Take it very slowly, maybe after a while offer her your hand to sniff, but always moving gently and slowly. It may still take a long time before she will let you touch her, but you should get there in the end. When she does let you touch her, try just stroking her very gently with one finger – this will simulate the grooming action of a cat's tongue. Many cats don't like the “heavier” stroking like you would use to stroke a dog. Many cats also don't like being picked up, so that's nothing to worry about. Some cats are lap cats and others aren't, but still have their ways of showing affection – Freddie will get on my lap and go to sleep. Trifle won't actually get on my lap, but will snuggle up really close to me, and enjoys cuddles. Kitty will do neither, but enjoys having her head stroked.

I'll end with a personal example. Nearly two years ago, when we first adopted Trifle, our rescue cat, she was so scared that she would literally shake with fear when we entered the room, and would run under the bed and hide. Soon after we got her, she bit my husband so badly that he needed hospital treatment (when we were trying to cage her to take her to the vet!), Once her teeth were sorted out (she had a lot of bad teeth that were causing a lot of pain and needed extracting) she and I bonded fairly quickly, I can still remember the first time she rubbed her face against my leg and my hand – I felt as though I had conquered Everest! But it took over a year before she would let my husband touch her. Fast forward another ten months, and although I'm still her favourite person, she will now also snuggle with my husband. She also now sleeps in the bed at night, with her head on my pillow, and I often wake up to find I'm cuddling her like a teddy bear, so miracles do happen! Good luck!

beakysian

In addition to the great advice above, I'd suggest that the female kitten is also feeling your own nervousness and stress and responding accordingly - with greater fear. My parents adopted a young cat a couple of years ago and it needed considerable calming down as it came from a home where it routinely attacked the owner's other dogs and cats. My dad has had cats and was confident and calm with her, my mum not at all a cat person (she thought a cat wagging its tail was happy like a dog!) found her quite difficult to approach. The cat quickly bonded with my dad but took more time with my mum. But as she gradually got more confident, the cat calmed accordingly.

I don't have the expert knowledge to suggest an answer, but lots of reading and a behavourist sound like great ideas. Having a pet is a partnership so looking for the causes of animal behaviour in ourselves is crucial. If you want to give it one more try, a behaviourist who can give you more confidence in your own behaviour around the kittens might help reduce your stress and help the cats in turn.

But in the end if your health is suffering it would be kindest to everyone to rehome the kittens through a charity. You're clearly thinking of their welfare and shouldn't feel bad for making the responsible decision if you have to. Good luck OP.

Good luck.

Puttytat

As a lifelong cat lover who would home every cat, I can sympathise with you completely. When our last OAP cat passed away, we agreed no more cats. That lasted about 2 months before we brought William home. We thought we'd done everything right, checked which breed would be most suited to our lifestyle etc and decided on the very beautiful and essentially bone idle British Shorthair. All was well initially, until William started to get a bit bigger and his behaviour became very difficult to live with. He would attack me for no reason, but never in front of my husband. If my hubby went to the loo, William would suddenly launch himself at my arm whilst I was sat on the sofa. He would also chase me upstairs and bite my legs. Whilst my husband was around, William was relatively well behaved. The real problem was that I worked shorter days than my husband so I usually had two hours at home before my husband got home. In that time, most of it was spent avoiding William. I realised I had a problem when I found myself sat in a coffee shop on my way home from work because I didn't want to go home to the cat. We had tried Feliway which was useless. We had toys, treats, beds, he was allowed out in the garden - everything to make him happy allegedly. One day he bit my leg so badly, I ended up with cellulitis. If I didn't work in a hospital and know what needed to be done, I'd have had to go to A&E. We solved William's issues by getting another British shorthair and this was a revelation. He has mellowed due to age and having a friend. William will never be a big softy like my old cats were, but he has improved with age. I would say unfortunately it was about 2 years though... Why I sympathise is that I would count myself as one of the biggest cat lovers I know, and yet I truly considered giving William up. It is no fun being reduced to tears by something which should be enriching your life, not making it a misery. The only reason why I didn't give him up - I couldn't have inflicted him on anyone else knowingly! He still has his quirks, but he is far more settled these days. It can get better, only you know whether you can wait or not. Whatever you choose will be the right decision. Kittens are quite easily rehomed, most cats mellow with age...