GF's Brother Gambling - Asking for Money...

sdavies13

All,

My girlfriend's brother has mental health issues, cannot work because of them but spends much of his social security on drinking and gambling.

From time to time he contacts her, asking for money as he has run out. There's been occasions when he hasn't had enough money to pay his bills or eat!

I suggested she could get him barred from his local bookies but apparently that only lasts a year and only he can do that which he wont do.

Any ideas or suggestions?

It's easy for me to say not to give him any money but he's her brother and she cares about him...

BrassicWoman

get food delivered instead of giving cash?

what sort of mental health issues? are they so severe they prevent him from legally entering into a contract? In which case, you have a reason for bookies not to serve him.

ska_lover

I agree, if you feel he is desperate, give him food rather than cash - it is the best you can do

I do know this is a huge burden on you OP, but you are being a decent human being by helping this guy as he is disadvantaged - however not a lot of pple will understand and you will get pple telling you to take the hard line

TBagpuss

How much insight does he have into his issues?
Ultimately, unless his issues are so severe that he lacks capacity, in which case it might be possible to arrange to be appointed as his Depuity and to manage his money for him, she can only do what he will agree to.

Would it be possible to arrange to set up standing orders so that his bills were paid the day his money is received? That wouldn't stop the issue with then spending the rest on gambling/drink rather than food but it would help ensure that he didn't get in debt with the bills.

Another option (if the timings don't marry up) might be to see whether he would agree to transfer money to your girlfriend automatically when his benefits are paid, and for her to then pay the bills from that, on his behalf, and perhaps to arrange for her to give him a set amount each week to buy food etc. Obviously this would only be possible with his agreement so would depend on whether he sees there as being a problem or not.

I'd also agree with the suggestion to provide help by way of getting food delivered, rather than giving money, although if her brother doesn't accept that he has a problem it may be that she can't help, and that she will have to decide what level of help she is willing to provide, accepting that he is not going to change, or alternatively accepting that she may have to let him sink or swim.

mark5

I agree with the food one, I also think the more you help someone the more they lean on you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd suggest she changes her number.


If he knows he's going to fed everytime he runs out of money, he'll run out of money. If he knows he's going to get money everytime he runs out of money, he'll run out of money.

If he realises that he has to go hungry, sit in a dark flat in the cold if he runs out of money, then maybe - maybe - he'll go to the GP and get help with his alcohol issues or arrange for his bills to be paid out of his benefits.

But whilst all he has to do is whinge at his sister, he'll continue to run out of money.



ETA: a lot of posters saying 'take a hard line' are saying it precisely because they do understand.

FredG

The 'hard line' vs 'softly' approach argument is totally dependent on the situation and all the little shades of grey that make it up.


In this situation we have mental health issues in play, but to what degree? I have a friend who's similar in his spending habits and but strictly drugs and alcohol. Often in the past I've stumped money for his food and energy bills because I was too good natured, for this guy I should have taken a properly hard line approach way sooner.


He spent all his cash because he knew he had me to bail him out and feed him. So I reduced assistance to getting him the occasional bit of food and putting a couple of quid in the metre and eventually down to a point where I'd say no.


He hit his turning point when he was nearly made homeless because the council threatened to seize his flat because of his failure to keep it in respectable condition. He leaned on me for help so I gave him links to Shelter, did a lot of research for him and gave him all the information he needed to get the legal representation he was entitled to.


The day before his hearing I got a text, "What are you doing tomorrow?". Well, I knew exactly he'd gone back to his old routine of waiting for me to save him and he couldn't phone Shelter because he'd spent his last £5 on weed rather than phone credit.


I went through him verbally and basically told him he was on his own. He was lucky enough to get away with a some kind of suspended possession, meaning he has 2 years to get the property in decent condition.


Two months after this, he's actually starting to get his property in a decent state and he has had his own money the last couple of times I've seen him. Sometimes a dose of enough is enough is what people need to sort themselves out.


I don't know if that's what's needed in this case but just thought it was an experience worth sharing. You may feel responsible but dependent on the extremity of his mental health issues, you most likely are not. He's making cognitive choices to gamble his money away. Gotta help him to help himself.