Anxiety/stress + dating

catoutthebag

Does anyone else get this? To quite a severe extent?

My story is, broke up 2 years ago after long term relationship. It was hard, but we don't live in the same city or have contact. Slowly moved on.
Started going on dates soon after, but definitely feel more comfortable and confident with meeting someone as time passes.
Been on quite a few dates with women, a handful I liked, a handful liked me, and the rest neither here nor there. Two of them lead to 2-3 further dates, but nothing sexual happened.

So this weekend I met what seemed to be my perfect match, really like her and she even laughed at my jokes (!). She said she'd be in touch, so it may happen or may not.

Either way, felt so anxious and stressed after even though it went well. I think it's self sabotaging. Worrying if or when they'll be a next date, the next step, if it will fall apart, not wanting to mess up, potentially being intimate with some one (not necessarily her), and just general over analysing and worrying.

Does anyone get this or tips to combat it? Seems to only be with girls I like/click with/attraction for & I never used to be like it.

Sicard

One of the reasons this female date is more stressful and anxiety producing is because it means much more to you than the others, ie; there's more to lose. Plus the added factor is the fear of rejection is greater.

I'll tell you from experience that women like men being open with them. If you told her a watered down version of what you're telling us if she's a worthy person she'll appreciate your openesss as well as what you're telling her because it explains she means a lot to you. This is how real healthy relationships are built. If she doesn't like what you're saying then she's not worth much in a long term relationship.

catoutthebag

Thanks. I guess I agree. Guess it's tough opening up if I've only met her once and probably tough second time as want to keep it light sbf fun. How to broach? Guess it's slight sexual anxiety due to problems in tjf past, but now resolved and putting pressure on myself.

One thing is: we sent a few messages online, but didn't exchange numbers. After 2 hours of laughing and talking and getting on well, I think I said it's mean good and let me know if you want to meet again. She said I'll be in touch if that's ok'.

Like no idea what that means. She playing it cool? Doesn't like me? On the site we met, the convo is still deemed 'active' according to the site, ie she hasn't blocked or deleted me.

Anyway, I'll guess I'll wait and see this week if she connects with me online.

Ozzuk

My advice would be lighten up. Contrary to Laurie's advice, unless you change it to a positive (I was really excited about our date for instance) then you'll just scare her off.

Don't invest so much into it, sadly dating online has very much become a numbers game - I was lucky, most of the dates I went on ended up 3month plus dating (or unlucky as that meant ultimately they didn't work) but you just need to be thick skinned and toughen up.

Just to add, dating should be fun. If you are worrying then maybe take a time out, learn to be better on your own and then it won't matter so much. You'll then come across a lot less needy and a lot more confident -a very attractive trait. Be happy with you first.

catoutthebag

I agree. Must say, I naturally get slightly nervous beforehand.
But when there I'm ok, depending who I'm with. I've been on quite a few dates and it's rare for to meet someone who I click with and who seems (?) To like me. This then causes me to stress and over analyse the aforementioned stuff, like a cycle.
If I mess up, getting intimate after 2 years, will she want to meet again, if not, why if we got on like a house on fire etc

How to stop my thoughts/catastrophising? Any metal or physical techniques?

I'm happy on my own, have my own place, enjoying doing what I'm doing, but would like to meet someone and probably spend too much online time on sites and getting a bit apathetic and disillusioned until I finally click like I did

Ozzuk

Nerves are natural and getting intimate is like riding a bike (so to speak), you'll soon get into the swing of it. And to be honest, how well it goes depends on both of you. Again, just enjoy the whole experience!

catoutthebag

Rejected, didn't feel a spark apparently. God knows how she is when she does as I certainly felt a spark. She hinted at staying in touch but I chose not to respond to that particular sentence.

By my estimation, it will be another 9 months on average til I find someone I click with before getting rejected.

Oh well:doh:

Sicard

catoutthebag wrote: »

Rejected, didn't feel a spark apparently. God knows how she is when she does as I certainly felt a spark. She hinted at staying in touch but I chose not to respond to that particular sentence.

By my estimation, it will be another 9 months on average til I find someone I click with before getting rejected.

Oh well:doh:

That sounds like you're defeated before you even try. What age group are you? I've always been successful with women, they like me. Years ago I split up from the mother of two of my kids, put an advert in the local rag's lonely hearts page, got forty replies and went out with maybe a third. For five years I had the time of my life before meeting the right one.

My advice, contrary to Ozzuk's is to, one; be open (a woman doesn't like a closed book), two; humour (make a woman laugh and you've almost won her over, three; talk about her, find out about her likes, dislikes, what makes her tick. (I commend to your reading How To Win Friends and Influence People. It'll give you tips and tricks and may even improve your life overall.)

Another tip is I made some female (and male) friends by going to evening classes where I met like-minded people.

Good luck.

catoutthebag

I'm in my early 30s.

I was open with this girl. Asked her loads. Convo was free flowing for over 2 hours. Felt like I'd known her. Made her laugh throughout. I was relaxed and laid back throughout. She was smiley, chatty too.

It was the best date and connection I've had since being single 2 years.

God knows what I have to do

newcook

just because the date went well for you and you felt the spark doesnt mean that she felt the same - I'm nearly 36 and until last year when I met my OH (on plenty of fish) I'd been single from 28 and despite several dates until last year I had maybe 2 relationships that came from said dates and neither of them lasted past 6 months.
over the 6/7 years of being single I went on quite a few dates - some I had a really nice time on, others were that bad I had a friend make a call with an 'emergency' and a couple led to a second or 3rd date but nothing more came of it and some I just didnt feel a spark/connection even though we got on well!

all I'm saying is dont give up hope, be honest but not scary, dont be too eager but also dont play it too cool and don't give up if the next date doesnt go as well as you hoped!