Is it rude to ask people if they are still coming to your wedding?

Andrew_Ryan_89

Hey guys,

We are having around 130 guest at our wedding and paying per head. There are about 4-10 people that I am slightly worried about them not turning up. They RSVP'd, chose their menu etc. but, for a lack of a better word, I feel they lack certain standards at times. These are all family members, cousins, who got I am worried about.

When sending out the details for the day, I wanted to add a message along the lines of "if your circumstances have changed and you can no longer attend, please do let us know as we are paying per head".

There were also some people who we invited and told them they could bring a partner or a guest. We stressed that they must share the name and also get them to RSVP. Most seemingly never elected to bring a guest but I am worried people are just going to show up on the day with partners and I am not going to able to cater for them. Again, is there a message I can use to remind people that it's invite only?

My girlfriend thought that would be a little rude. What are your thoughts?

arbrighton

yes, it is rude to think they 'lack certain standards' and remind them you are paying for them etc. If they've chosen not to RSVP for their partner etc and pick food for them, it's surely obvious there won't be enough for them.

You probably already knew that this was rude.... But then you think it's ok to give your FIANCE feedback so who knows, maybe you didn't

There have been a lot of threads related to your wedding costs and your wedding guests and how you want to basically get rid of them all so you don't have to pay (or so it seems)

esuhl

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

When sending out the details for the day, I wanted to add a message along the lines of "if your circumstances have changed and you can no longer attend, please do let us know as we are paying per head".

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

There were also some people who we invited and told them they could bring a partner or a guest. We stressed that they must share the name and also get them to RSVP. Most seemingly never elected to bring a guest but I am worried people are just going to show up on the day with partners and I am not going to able to cater for them. Again, is there a message I can use to remind people that it's invite only?

I'm sure a little reminder that only confirmed RSVP'd guests will be catered for could be worded politely.

On the other hand, maybe the number of people who don't turn up will match the number of people who turn up with an uninvited partner and everything will work out. You never know...

arbrighton

It's not necessary to include the bit about paying per head. That's the bit that's rude frankly.

I did actually chase up the people who hadn't sent their RSVP's personally, even when i was fairly sure what the situation was. But in a 'just checking that you're coming' way.

And all invitations were written to people and plus one by name (and children where applicable). The only exceptions to this were the two newborns who weren't born when invites were sent and I just didn't quite know how to word it- the new parents all checked carefully although I wouldn't have dreamt of not including children/ babies etc

bertpalmer

I think it would be rude for people to NOT let you know what their decision was.

I don't think it would be a big deal to call and ask.

Andrew_Ryan_89

arbrighton wrote: »

yes, it is rude to think they 'lack certain standards' and remind them you are paying for them etc. If they've chosen not to RSVP for their partner etc and pick food for them, it's surely obvious there won't be enough for them.

You probably already knew that this was rude.... But then you think it's ok to give your FIANCE feedback so who knows, maybe you didn't

There have been a lot of threads related to your wedding costs and your wedding guests and how you want to basically get rid of them all so you don't have to pay (or so it seems)

Thanks for the non-helpful rant. You don't know who I am talking about so to say I am rude because I think certain people have low standards, how do you know they haven't? I have had people who were not invited to the wedding send messages like "I will be coming to the wedding, thank you". Or one guy who thought it was appropriate to extend the invitation to his entire family and another who encouraged his friends, who I don't even know, to register online. Yes it should be obvious to them as it's common sense. But what should be obvious to you is common sense is not that common and that is what I was alluding to.

And yes, it is low standards to say your are coming to something only not to come at with no proper reason and not inform the person too. The reason I mentioned this is because it happened at my sisters wedding. Family members invited, RSVP'd, and not showing up but more than happy to sit across the road in civil dress and have a drink? Or saying that the ceremony starts at 2pm with people walking in during the ceremony and even pulling up at the end?

Like a lot of other people in this forum, I am here for help. Buying a house and getting married are two major things that have happened/happening recently and yes, I have a lot of questions and a lot of people have been so helpful in this forum. And yes, I wanted advice about how I can keep my numbers low and not offend anyone and this forum helped a big deal.

• Didn't invite children to the wedding based on the advice given
• Only invited partners on direct family or others who would have been alone
• Drastically cut my drinks budget

warby68

It looks like you could use the menu choice as a reason to get in touch with the 'doubtfuls' and possible plus ones.

It would seem quite reasonable to be double checking menu choices, whereas ringing up saying 'right this is costing me, where are your manners about your plus one and everything else?' wouldn't endear you.

Bless you, you seem to be having dreadful trouble with your wedding - probably better if bride takes 'her' side and you take 'yours' as you can each suss them out a little better.

If you genuinely haven't heard about whether there is a 'plus one' or not, that is a very reasonable question on its own where you have meal numbers to confirm.

Either way, I'd use the meal details as the reason for being quite firm about the commitments NOT your guests poor manners. You've invited them, so must want them there (in theory, LOL)

7roland8

Yes I would. But I would ring and speak in person. Don't mention cost, just that's it's a final ring around to confirm menu and numbers.

Pollycat

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

Hey guys,

We are having around 130 guest at our wedding and paying per head. There are about 4-10 people that I am slightly worried about them not turning up. They RSVP'd, chose their menu etc. but, for a lack of a better word, I feel they lack certain standards at times. These are all family members, cousins, who got I am worried about.

When sending out the details for the day, I wanted to add a message along the lines of "if your circumstances have changed and you can no longer attend, please do let us know as we are paying per head".

There were also some people who we invited and told them they could bring a partner or a guest. We stressed that they must share the name and also get them to RSVP. Most seemingly never elected to bring a guest but I am worried people are just going to show up on the day with partners and I am not going to able to cater for them. Again, is there a message I can use to remind people that it's invite only?

My girlfriend thought that would be a little rude. What are your thoughts?

I would get in contact with the family members, tell them you are finalising numbers with the venue and ask them if they are still coming.

I would get in contact with the 'singles' you invited, tell them you are finalising numbers with the venue and ask them to say whether they are bringing a guest or not and if they are, you need menu choices by x date.
Just tell them that if they say they are coming alone, only they will be catered for.

It does sound like you are making this wedding a lot more hard work than it should be.

Teacher2

It is not at all rude to check numbers given the incredible cost of weddings these days, so my twenty-something daughter tells me. Etiquette for weddings has changed since the days when, if people said they would come, they would attend come hell or high water.

Obviously, you need to be tactful in wording your request but a polite e-mail, or even better a direct 'ring round' is perfectly acceptable. I agree with the poster on this thread who said you needn't mention the expense but you could say something like, 'It's been a while since the invitations went out so I am just doing a quick last minute numbers check...' At the same time you can check exactly who will be attending, whether a sole guest or partners and children too. I shouldn't worry about adding babies to the list as they cost nothing!

You could even pretend you have mislaid the list if you feel that would be justified. It would save the feelings of those who are going to bail but who are too embarrassed to tell you.

As for 'rudeness', it is incredibly rude to accept an expensive formal invitation to a wedding and then not show up thus costing the bride and groom hundreds of pounds. If ten people did it that could be over a thousand. Better to save the friendship by checking up as otherwise your resentment might sour the relationship and that is to be avoided.

Andrew_Ryan_89

Thanks Teacher. I ended up sending a message with the details and ending something along the lines of "if you're circumstances have changed and you can no longer attend, we'll appreciated if you can let us know as soon as possible. There are still people I am very nervous about so will give a call the final 2 weeks before when the venue needs to the final numbers.