sophie and dale

cherry_o'neal

sophie is my friend, she has been in relationship after a divorce and has two kids. Dale came along. They seemed to hit it off. She'd paid him for doing alot of household jobs, he took early retirement you see, so time on his hands. he ran her to hospital appointments, shopping, the kids to places, she paid him for this also. Now she is part time working, juggling housework, kids, Dale and things are starting to go bad I think.

Dale is quite controlling. Sophie has had a variety of jobs and when they are out shopping she often sees old workmates and has a chat. Dale sulks and objects and will sulk for. many days. He doesnt like her to be so outgoing as he isnt. Even to the point of asking her if she'd been on the game! really insulting. She knows people as she lived in area for years and worked in public places, shops factories and the like. He resents her learning and using a computer. She has suggested he sits alongside her to learn stuff too as he cannot understand computers. He wont do this. He gets up at 5am then goes to bed at 6pm on nights they dont go for a night out. Then if he stays at sophies he creates that she's watching catchup and he hasnt made him a cup of tea but when she does he leaves it to go cold, its like he demands her attention. Sophie has said he should either watch tv/share computer with her or else he should watch in other room til she has done. he has hobbies which he partakes in. When he doesnt stay over she can smell his cigar and find him spying though her window to see her on computer or tv then says if thats what shes doing then she can do her own garden/painting, like its though she shouldnt have any time to do something she needs to or wants to.

She has asked my advice as he is being very immature, there is a 12 year age difference, he's older, appears to have had a strange upbringing and thinks women should not speak first but wait to be spoken to...she doesnt want to split up because they have shared interests but he is not confident, had a marriage of convenience to get a home, sadly his wife passed away. He is marvellous with her kids and they adore him.
he constantly festers over things such as she spoke to the milkman when he thinks she doesnt need to, then says he's observing her to 'test' her as to her behaviour and how a partner should act.
I don't know what to suggest. If I have a night out or shopping trip with her he is contantly demanding she text him....i think he is controlling but he does have many qualities. However i havent come across anyone who pays their partner to do jobs round the house. He has a good pension, his son sells his artwork on ebay for him, he earns a lot more than sophie. I also think she should make allowances for his moodswings due to his medications too, which she agrees with. He bizzarely belittles sophies health issues though. What advice can i pass on?

elsien

I really hope your user name isn't your real name given that you've plastered your friend's private information all over a public Internet forum.

thorsoak

Tell Sophie that she can pay other people to do household jobs and who won't demand her full-time attention.

In other words, run, Sophie, RUN!

jjj1980

No, no and no!! She doesn't have to make any allowances for his behaviour as it is quite clear it has nothing to do with anything other than him being a controlling k***!!. Sophie needs to tell him where to go and cut all contact with him.

He sounds very jealous of her attention beig given to anything other than him and sooner rather than later that WILL extend to him resenting the time and attention she shows to her children.

Parts of his behaviour are tantamount to stalking and other parts can be classed as emotional abuse. This is a very unhealthy relationship and for the sake of the children involved needs to be over.

sam.4000

I would reiterate the above post "run Sophie run". she needs to get out now.

SailorSam

Strange for a newie to come along along and write a story in her 2 opening posts.

cherry_o'neal

Thanks for replies just having to rush...he actually is jealous of her dog, a border collie rescue, interestingly he wont allow his son remaining (at his home) have a dog. My view is he has crushed the sons confidence by being like victorian dad...but yes he resents the attention given to the dog very much so, at times.

Pollycat

cherry_o'neal wrote: »

sophie is my friend, she has been in relationship after a divorce and has two kids. Dale came along. They seemed to hit it off. She'd paid him for doing alot of household jobs, he took early retirement you see, so time on his hands. he ran her to hospital appointments, shopping, the kids to places, she paid him for this also. Now she is part time working, juggling housework, kids, Dale and things are starting to go bad I think.

Dale is quite controlling. Sophie has had a variety of jobs and when they are out shopping she often sees old workmates and has a chat. Dale sulks and objects and will sulk for. many days. He doesnt like her to be so outgoing as he isnt. Even to the point of asking her if she'd been on the game! really insulting. She knows people as she lived in area for years and worked in public places, shops factories and the like. He resents her learning and using a computer. She has suggested he sits alongside her to learn stuff too as he cannot understand computers. He wont do this. He gets up at 5am then goes to bed at 6pm on nights they dont go for a night out. Then if he stays at sophies he creates that she's watching catchup and he hasnt made him a cup of tea but when she does he leaves it to go cold, its like he demands her attention. Sophie has said he should either watch tv/share computer with her or else he should watch in other room til she has done. he has hobbies which he partakes in. When he doesnt stay over she can smell his cigar and find him spying though her window to see her on computer or tv then says if thats what shes doing then she can do her own garden/painting, like its though she shouldnt have any time to do something she needs to or wants to.

She has asked my advice as he is being very immature, there is a 12 year age difference, he's older, appears to have had a strange upbringing and thinks women should not speak first but wait to be spoken to...she doesnt want to split up because they have shared interests but he is not confident, had a marriage of convenience to get a home, sadly his wife passed away. He is marvellous with her kids and they adore him.
he constantly festers over things such as she spoke to the milkman when he thinks she doesnt need to, then says he's observing her to 'test' her as to her behaviour and how a partner should act.
I don't know what to suggest. If I have a night out or shopping trip with her he is contantly demanding she text him....i think he is controlling but he does have many qualities. However i havent come across anyone who pays their partner to do jobs round the house. He has a good pension, his son sells his artwork on ebay for him, he earns a lot more than sophie. I also think she should make allowances for his moodswings due to his medications too, which she agrees with. He bizzarely belittles sophies health issues though. What advice can i pass on?

I'd suggest that you show this to Sophie - and like elsien, I too hope that your user name and the names of your friend and her bloke are made up - and I'm pretty sure after reading it she won't need your advice, she'll be able to make up her own mind about this relationship.

paddy's_mum

He'd have been out on his ear at the instant he asked if I had once been 'on the game'!

If anyone's prostituting themselves, it's him - who expects to get paid good hard cash for doing small oddjobs or helping out with the family's needs when you are in a relationship?

If, on the other hand, they are not in a relationship, then his behaviour is
STALKING and for her own safety and wellbeing, she must put a stop to it. The Police will help her to do so.

The comment about smelling his cigar picked at a corner of my memory and I suggest that Sophie googles for the case of Colin French Cambridgeshire 2016 and Colin French Norfolk 2006.

(This may be Bluelass at it again) ... I wouldn't want to hear that Sophie had woken up dead in a ditch someday.

TBagpuss

There are massive red flags here - based on what you descruibe Dale is entirely unreasonable and very controlling.

I'd recommend that Sophie end the relationship -
Suggest she reads these : http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

-taff

The age gap means he's from a different generation, has different ideas about how women should be and how important his opinions are about how women should be.

His opinion is basically [from your post] she should stop talking to anyone, verbally or on the computer, and pay attention to him all the time because he is more important than anything else, including her right to interact with other people.

Bin him.