How long to pay maintenance for?

easylife73

Not sure if this is the right forum or not, but basically I'm looking for some advice (legal not moral!) about how long we should be paying maintenance for.

The arrangement is a private one, ie not done through the CSA or whatever it's called now. My stepson is now 19, but is autistic and still in college as a result. I don't know whether he is able to or is claiming anything in his own right, or whether his mum receives any other assistance due to his needs.

We don't really see him very much, maybe twice a year, as he feels that he has his own life and family where he lives, and is not that interested in visiting as it's boring to him. I feel this is mostly due to his age (what 19 year old wants to visit every weekend?) and partly due to his autism, as he sees us as superfluous in many ways. We are not hurt by this, and the door is very much still open to him, which he knows.

So how long do we carry on paying maintenance for? We have asked his mum, and she just said she didn't know, it was up to us, so I assume she's not relying on it to make ends meet!

Caz3121

As it is a private arrangement it will be whatever is agreed. If it were through CSA/CMS it would stop when child benefit stops which can be up to aged 20 This assumes his current education is not advanced education
If you search for child benefit 16-19 it will give you an idea
As said this is a private agreement but if the PWC decides to open a case there would be no case possible post 20

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

easylife73 wrote: »

Not sure if this is the right forum or not, but basically I'm looking for some advice (legal not moral!) about how long we should be paying maintenance for.

The arrangement is a private one, ie not done through the CSA or whatever it's called now. My stepson is now 19, but is autistic and still in college as a result. I don't know whether he is able to or is claiming anything in his own right, or whether his mum receives any other assistance due to his needs.

We don't really see him very much, maybe twice a year, as he feels that he has his own life and family where he lives, and is not that interested in visiting as it's boring to him. I feel this is mostly due to his age (what 19 year old wants to visit every weekend?) and partly due to his autism, as he sees us as superfluous in many ways. We are not hurt by this, and the door is very much still open to him, which he knows.

So how long do we carry on paying maintenance for? We have asked his mum, and she just said she didn't know, it was up to us, so I assume she's not relying on it to make ends meet!

Sounds like she might be saving it up for him in the future or giving it to him as spending money. As it seems quite amicable, why not ask her if that's the case? You might feel differently about how long you wish to carry on, depending upon her answer.

easylife73

Caz3121 It's not further education, he's doing something like plumbing or bricklaying at college I think.

Jojo I don't think she's saving it up for him, although obviously I don't know for sure, none of my business. There doesn't seem much point in asking her again, she's already said it's up to us. I'm torn between thinking we should contribute if he's still at college/not earning and then wondering how long does that go on for, as with the autism he might not be earning for years.

patchwork_cat

Am I right in thinking that you are paying maintenance for your stepson? If so , there is no legal and IMO moral obligation to ever pay maintenance for a stepchild.

easylife73

patchwork cat I'm not really sure what you mean, but I assume you think I'm paying maintenance for him on my own? If so, then no, I mean we, as in my husband and I. It's just I handle all the family finances so it's me doing the posting here. I did use "we" and "us" throughout my post so thought it was clear.

pmlindyloo

I think it is time that your husband found out exactly what money he is receiving in his own right or whether the mother is still claiming CB or child tax credits for him.

It is possible that he is also receiving DLA or PIP.

I do not think it would be wrong for your husband to have this conversation especially if you are finding it financially difficult yourselves.

Of course when a son/daughter has disabilities then financial support may be needed for some time in the future but much depends on the situation.

This is a conversation that your husband needs to have with his ex. all kinds of options may be suitable - for example, savings account for the future (but be aware that this may affect any means tested benefits).

Now that he is older and may have financial difficulties in the future the suggestion of a savings account may be an opening for a conversation - along the lines of ''I was thinking of opening a savings account for **** now that he is older but did not want to affect any benefits he was receiving.......... How can I best help him now that he is an adult?''

As already said, there is no legal obligation to pay child support when it is a private arrangement but I certainly think if it was approached the right way then this is a conversation that should take place.

If not now, then when???????

easylife73

I don't think he'll want to have the conversation though! Whilst it is amicable, it wasn't in the beginning and he still has this fear that it will go sour. Not quite sure why that would matter so much now he's an adult, but still. We had a small savings account that we put any money my husband's family sent for him in, but we paid that out to him when he turned 18, so I think it would look odd if we went down that route now...almost like we were treating him like a child again, if you see what I mean?

The "if not now then when?" question is what worries me...I thought it would be clear cut by now, but it isn't. We aren't struggling financially, but we're not rolling in it either, and we have two boys together. The eldest is just finishing GCSEs so the costs will be increasing soon what with driving lessons and then university. The youngest is a few years behind so once the eldest is done it will all start again with the younger one. Not that any of that is my stepson's problem, but when we had the kids it was part of the thinking that we'd have stopped paying maintenance by the time all the extra costs started up!

Robisere

Was the diagnosis actually Autism, or Aspergers Syndrome? I ask because I have a grandson who has Aspergers and he has the exact symptoms that you describe. The family are all close and understanding including his younger sister and two cousins, and he has good friends at work, but he does not socialise well with anyone else outside that circle. We have become very knowledgeable about the condition over the 22 years of his life, which is why your description sounds classic Aspergers. No offence, but the separation between you and him, does not allow him to see you often, which is why he seems distant. Again, symptomatic of Alzheimers; in his mind, he does not see you often, so he does not know you.

I would write a friendly letter and ask if either a date can be set for the payments to stop, or if it is finacially possible to end them now. You might also ask if there is something you can buy him for his training, when the payments end. Perhaps boxed and wrapped, with a message as to who bought it.

I would also ask what type of work he is training for. You may be surprised at the answer you get. My grandson is an It networking engineer and is a MENSA member, high intelligence can also be atypical.

I hope you take this information in the spirit it is meant by someone who has lived with like that. Unfortunately, gson's dad took off when he was quite young. Not only has he never contributed, but he left our daughter in a great deal of debt. He does have our daughter's partner now though and gets on fine with him.

easylife73

Robisere When I say he doesn't see us, that doesn't mean he hasn't in the past, or that we aren't in touch. My husband fought through the courts for access to his son as his ex didn't want him involved at all. We have seen him nearly every weekend up until the last year or so, despite my husband working shifts which made it difficult. He has always been treated as family by my family, and we love him very much. His dad keeps in touch via facebook as he seems more comfortable with this at the moment. He knows us very well thanks! He isn't training for work as such, which is why I wasn't sure which exact course he's doing...it had been changed last time we spoke to him but I can't remember which one the change was from and to. Maybe that's the Alzheimer's symptoms you speak of :rotfl:

I think you might be projecting a bit due to your daughter's experience...not all father's walk away at he first sign of trouble you know I've barely mentioned his symptoms, but yes he is diagnosed as autistic and statemented. He is not MENSA material, in fact I don't think he even has any GCSEs, but he has grown into a very lovely, thoughtful, kind and personable young man, for which his special school and family should get most of the credit. I'd like to think we contributed towards that, but we are only a small part of his life...obviously the resident parents and school play a much bigger part.

We're very familiar with the differences between autism and Aspergers...my eldest is currently about to be assessed, although in our heart of hearts we have known he probably has Aspergers for some years. He is high functioning, attending a grammar school and hopefully about to get good GCSE results. But he does have difficulties very much typical of Aspergers.

I know you meant your post well...but he knows we're here if he ever needs us, even if it's just to pop to the pub for a pint with his dad. I barely saw y dad for a few years in my late teens/early twenties...but I think that's normal, when friends, work, hobbies become more important for a while

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

easylife73 wrote: »

I don't think he'll want to have the conversation though! Whilst it is amicable, it wasn't in the beginning and he still has this fear that it will go sour. Not quite sure why that would matter so much now he's an adult, but still. We had a small savings account that we put any money my husband's family sent for him in, but we paid that out to him when he turned 18, so I think it would look odd if we went down that route now...almost like we were treating him like a child again, if you see what I mean?

The "if not now then when?" question is what worries me...I thought it would be clear cut by now, but it isn't. We aren't struggling financially, but we're not rolling in it either, and we have two boys together. The eldest is just finishing GCSEs so the costs will be increasing soon what with driving lessons and then university. The youngest is a few years behind so once the eldest is done it will all start again with the younger one. Not that any of that is my stepson's problem, but when we had the kids it was part of the thinking that we'd have stopped paying maintenance by the time all the extra costs started up!

I would assume it to be his 20th birthday then, as that's when child benefit is no longer payable - he'd have to claim in his own right at that point.

If your OH is reluctant to have the conversation in case it goes a bit weird or awkward, perhaps a better way to bring it up would be to ask if Mum still receives income for him, saying that he wondered whether it might be better to pay it to him for the last year/months to help him get used to handling money. If she's still fine with it stopping/says she doesn't care, perhaps suggesting he pays, say 50% directly to him, explaining it's to help him get started/so he knows you still care, but that it's until x date, after which point you're still there but for when it's particularly needed, rather than just because it has to be done?