Planning for a separation or divorce - Tips & Advice please

Mercenary

I am stuck staring at a wall that I have no idea how to climb, trying to think of how I even begin (amicably) separating from my husband of 30+ years next year when he retires. [EDITED: To clear up any misunderstandings, we have been discussing this over the past year]
It's so overwhelming that my mind shies away, although I need to get on with planning it.:eek:

There have been many divorce threads throughout the years here with helpful links to Wikivorce or similar sites, but for those of us about to take our first steps on this new journey there is no one deep well of experience to dip into at this time before it all begins. Especially if we're simply wanting to leave couple-dom for a single life. Not necessarily needing to divorce either.

I'm sure that there are probably many others, as well as me, who would really appreciate the tips and advice of those forum members who have already experienced this journey of separation and/or divorce and who will have a wealth of advice or tips on just how to begin rearranging your life from the point you realise it has to be done....and what you'll need to find or do next....?

In other words...Help, please!

hazyjo

I think when it happens to you, it feels like the biggest thing in the world and the thought of ever doing anything about it gets put off, and put off, and put off...


What you have to remember is that millions of people are divorced. They all manage to get married and that takes FAR more effort than getting divorced (usually!).


All I can say is 'just do it'. It's very easy to find obstacles or delays when really there's probably absolutely no reason why you can't just do it.


Obviously it's more complicated if you have kids. If not, why worry about it being amicable? Just get on with the legalities and do it. Is your husband expecting it or will it be a bolt out the blue?


Good luck!


Jx
PS I'm twice divorced :eek:

Guest101

I was just going to say I don't think it's fair to wait 12 months if the husband has no idea how you feel.


At least be upfront about it.

fairy_lights

Why wait a year? If you know you want to end the marriage there's no point stretching it out.
At least if you separate now your husband will have the support of colleagues and the distraction of going to work everyday - to wait until he retires (perhaps looking forward to spending lots of quality time together) could be much harder to cope with.

TBagpuss

If you are sure that you don't want to stay together then you need to have the first conversation with your husband now, not a year down the line.

Quite apart from any other considerations, if/when you divorce you will need to sort out a financial settlement. Doing that *before* your husband retires allows greater flexibility.

For instance, if there are pensions involved you may want to have a pension sharing order to divorce those pensions. You (as a couple) will have more options if you do that before your husband has (say) drawn down a lump sum on retirement, or signed up to an annuity or other scheme.

Your husband may reconsider his retirement plans and may have better options to retain a reasonable income if he stays in his current job rather than retiring and then reapplying for new jobs.

Even if you chose not to get divorced or formally separate until after he retires, letting him know now how you feel gives him time to come to terms with the idea. You have clearly given this a fair bit of thought, and have accepted the end of the marriage. Your husband hasn't, so he is probably going to be shocked and surprised when you speak to him, and he is likely to need time to process it.

Think about what (If anything) could result in your changing your mind? What would need to change from the way things are now? Have you spoken to your husband about any of those things, and would you be open to discussing them with him?

Think about going to see a solicitor - many family lawyers offer a free initial consultation, where they can talk you through the basics and give some general information and advice. Think about what the effect of a split would be - you are likely to be worse off as single people than as a couple, so give some thought to that - consider what your own income and earning capacity are likely to be in the future, and what your needs will be. THink about the same issues for your husband.

Mercenary

fairy_lights wrote: »

Why wait a year? If you know you want to end the marriage there's no point stretching it out.
At least if you separate now your husband will have the support of colleagues and the distraction of going to work everyday - to wait until he retires (perhaps looking forward to spending lots of quality time together) could be much harder to cope with.

The idea of waiting is that we will sell the house after he retires, otherwise we'd have to split the assets now leaving neither of us enough to buy a place each in possibly different areas of the country. And why create that problem while he still has to work and live here? We've waited this long, so another year gives us both time to plan....which is what the thread was about originally.

@Guest101
Thank you for your contribution to the thread, although I feel that it is slightly unhelpful and off-point.
I specified amicable so that most people reading here might realise that we have actually discussed the situation. Nobody is in the dark.

I made this thread to collect advice about what to expect, what best to start arranging, what things other people found that they hadn't thought of in advance, but found they'd had to deal with.

Mercenary

TBagpuss wrote: »

Quite apart from any other considerations, if/when you divorce you will need to sort out a financial settlement. Doing that *before* your husband retires allows greater flexibility.

So a financial settlement before his retirement is best? OK thank you.
I have been a housewife/Mother for most of my life so I do not really have a work pension of my own, which is also part of my concerns.