Can't Fathom What's Going On.

choille

I have a married couple as neighbours who are elderly. I pop in & see if they need anything doing, or need any shopping etc. I've known them a long time & they are rather hard going & are becoming increasingly so. They only get a very few other visitors & are a bit nasty & gossipy.

They both have health issues, but they seem to be exaggerating - they have always been tall tale tellers that can make you gringe.:o

The husband is very obese & he has diabetis & has had a heart valve fitted a few years back.
He has got very swollen & red lower legs that look horrific. The doctor does go in, but he & his wife reckon it's a skin rash, but that he has cancer raging in his body, but he's said that for a long time.

He has been going to the hospital occasionally, but it's always for some vague tests. His wife seems to be getting frailer as she runs around after him & is always feeding him huge meals - it's quite obscene, but seems to be what they want to do.

I've tried talking about the diabetis & how it can be helped by diet, but it's not gone down well at all - it fact like a lead balloon.
I know it's not really my business, but I am finding it quite upsetting & don't know if there is anything I can do, other than just keep popping in.

pmduk

I'm sure you're just repeating what they've been told endlessly by various healthcare professionals.

This is going to sound cruel, but it's their problem. They know what they're doing and its likely results. If they want to ignore yours and others advice you can do nothing.

There's probably a reason why they get very few other visitors.

I think you're a saint for continuing to visit.

choille

I just feel it's sort of a duty in a weird way. I come away feeling really jiggered for ages afterwards & in a bad/low mood, so I should really cut back. I just would hope when I'm getting on someone will pop into see me, but I will try & not get all bitter & tall story teller.

pmduk

At least you can take comfort that they are within the GP's radar.

A.Penny.Saved

Be brutal with them. Tell him that if he does not start taking more care of himself and eat more healthfully then they will cut his legs off and put his wife in a home!

choille

Yes, I do. I would have alerted them if they hadn't been aware, but all this making up tales about cancer is quite hard to stomach as we lost a friend a year ago who battled it for years.

choille

A.Penny.Saved wrote: »

Be brutal with them. Tell him that if he does not start taking more care of himself and eat more healthfully then they will cut his legs off and put his wife in a home!

Well, I can't do that, but I have tried subtley as I'm sure the Docs have, but it's like a weird thing they have going on with food.

jenniewb

If they didn't 'hear' you the first time, they aren't likely to hear you if you keep repeating yourself. If someone doesn't want to help themselves and you care enough about them to want to stick around, the best thing you can do for them is to hold their hand as they go through whatever life they have opted for. If you are just wanting to change them, although from one point of view you'll be doing this because you want to save them, but the other side of the argument is that you do it for yourself and to feel better about yourself. If they have decided to say no to changing their lives this is their choice, if they have been told the facts and have chosen to ignore them, this is their choice and you have to respect that.


I say this with a father who is pretty much in a similar position; having narrowly escaped a triple heart bypass not so long ago he will not stop the fried chips and fried battered fish nor will he even contemplate a vegetable unless it has been fried first. He worries me, but he knows the facts as he has had multiple agencies involved in his recovery. He makes me angry but he also wants to live this way, it's hard for me to not say anything (so I do) but the only thing that happens is I wind myself up whilst almost watching the words go in one ear and out the other. It makes no difference. I worry because I don't want him to have another heart attack, but I can't change him if he doesn't want to change.


It's difficult when someone acts like this, but the old saying "you can bring a camel to water but you cannot make it drink" (no matter how hard you try!). The only thing I can do and you can do OP is to be there for them when things get hard and offer support, of course if they ask for any advice that's another matter but they wont want to hear if they have mentally closed their mind down already, they have to want to change first.


And if you can't tolerate it; walk away now for them and for your sanity. Their lives, their choice I'm sorry to say.

choille

Yes, it is very much as you say.

It's all the fantasy that they build around it. I think it's like they see things differently - are in denial. The NHS must be depleted because of these incidences.

I do feel for you with it being your father - these are just neighbours, but I still feel that they are humans. But I say very little, just get confused with all the flannel that they spin out too.

pmduk

It's almost a deathwish with some people.

I was with a friend's friend on Saturday, she's had a triple bypass, been refused further surgery as it's too dangerous. She ended up in A&E yesterday, but discharged herself to have a cigarette

Armchair23

I think you sound like a very kind and concerned neighbour and all round lovely person !

That said I think you should stay with offering small gestures you feel comfortable with. Maybe a bunch of flowers once in a while or some fruit when it's a 2 for 1 or a bargain (not that they'll eat it ! )

It's not just that it isn't your responsibility to educate and nurse them but that they are not open to change anyhow.

Your wellbeing is just as important as theirs and if your visits are distressing to you but not making any difference to them it's a bit of a no brainer.

There will be other times and other people who will really benefit from your care and kindness, save it for them.