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In love with friend - embarrassing!
dazedandconfused80
Posts: 4 Newbie
I’m a regular poster, I’m so sorry that I’ve gone anonymous – it’s quite a delicate situation, though.
I’m in love with my ex-colleague. As in, I have full-blown romantic and sexual feelings for her. We met around a year ago, worked together for 9 months, then parted ways (professionally). We’re still friends and stay in touch a little, though we’re not mega close. We’re kind of in between being acquaintances and friends, if that makes sense. We’ll text maybe 1-2 times a week (just banal things about life and work), and pop in to see each other at work like once every 2-3 weeks (we both work in the same town centre).
The problem is, we’re both heterosexual, married females. She has no idea I have these kinds of feelings for her, and I’m 1000% sure that the feeling is not mutual!
Since I’m in my late 30s and have never fancied women at all, I’m struggling to make sense of the whole saga. I can appreciate a beautiful woman in just the same way that most (all?) women can, but I’ve never felt even the slightest stirring of romantic or sexual attraction to another woman...until now! I don’t come from a repressed or conservative family or cultural group. I’d like to think that if I was gay, I’d be out and proud. So, suffice to say, I'm quite confused!!
So in trying to make sense of it all, I’ve considered (and debunked) the following theories:
1) I just like her as a friend, and I’m confusing feelings of friendship with feelings of romance – well I like lots of people as friends, and have never felt such conflict? I also have a good group of friends – old and new – so I’m not just ‘craving’ in the friendship department.
2) She’s just extra beautiful/attractive/admirable, hence why I’m so drawn to her in particular – well actually, if I had to describe her, I’d say she’s just kind of average, looks-wise. Personality-wise, she can be a little caustic and brash. It’s not like she’s some super-amazing personality, to whom people are naturally drawn.
3) I’m secretly jealous of her? – yet, she doesn’t 'have' anything that I don’t, or that I can’t get. I’d also be fine in admitting to myself that I’m jealous of someone. I just don’t think I am.
4) My husband no longer satisfies me? Ohhhh but he does, big time, and probably more than ever. I’m also completely untempted by other men (or women!) as an alternative to my husband, whom I love and cherish dearly, and am very attracted to.
So there it goes. I’m in utter turmoil over it (though I’m totally holding it together, outwardly). Nobody has a clue, and I’m very careful in keeping it that way!
WWYD? I have no intention of making my feelings known, by the way! But at the same time, I can’t go on. She drives me crazy with lovesick feelings. I’m just wondering if I should quietly and gradually draw a close to our friendship (I can’t do it abruptly, she’d possibly feel like she’d done something wrong!).
I’m in love with my ex-colleague. As in, I have full-blown romantic and sexual feelings for her. We met around a year ago, worked together for 9 months, then parted ways (professionally). We’re still friends and stay in touch a little, though we’re not mega close. We’re kind of in between being acquaintances and friends, if that makes sense. We’ll text maybe 1-2 times a week (just banal things about life and work), and pop in to see each other at work like once every 2-3 weeks (we both work in the same town centre).
The problem is, we’re both heterosexual, married females. She has no idea I have these kinds of feelings for her, and I’m 1000% sure that the feeling is not mutual!
Since I’m in my late 30s and have never fancied women at all, I’m struggling to make sense of the whole saga. I can appreciate a beautiful woman in just the same way that most (all?) women can, but I’ve never felt even the slightest stirring of romantic or sexual attraction to another woman...until now! I don’t come from a repressed or conservative family or cultural group. I’d like to think that if I was gay, I’d be out and proud. So, suffice to say, I'm quite confused!!
So in trying to make sense of it all, I’ve considered (and debunked) the following theories:
1) I just like her as a friend, and I’m confusing feelings of friendship with feelings of romance – well I like lots of people as friends, and have never felt such conflict? I also have a good group of friends – old and new – so I’m not just ‘craving’ in the friendship department.
2) She’s just extra beautiful/attractive/admirable, hence why I’m so drawn to her in particular – well actually, if I had to describe her, I’d say she’s just kind of average, looks-wise. Personality-wise, she can be a little caustic and brash. It’s not like she’s some super-amazing personality, to whom people are naturally drawn.
3) I’m secretly jealous of her? – yet, she doesn’t 'have' anything that I don’t, or that I can’t get. I’d also be fine in admitting to myself that I’m jealous of someone. I just don’t think I am.
4) My husband no longer satisfies me? Ohhhh but he does, big time, and probably more than ever. I’m also completely untempted by other men (or women!) as an alternative to my husband, whom I love and cherish dearly, and am very attracted to.
So there it goes. I’m in utter turmoil over it (though I’m totally holding it together, outwardly). Nobody has a clue, and I’m very careful in keeping it that way!
WWYD? I have no intention of making my feelings known, by the way! But at the same time, I can’t go on. She drives me crazy with lovesick feelings. I’m just wondering if I should quietly and gradually draw a close to our friendship (I can’t do it abruptly, she’d possibly feel like she’d done something wrong!).
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Comments
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Leave your husband first and be single for a period of time first.
Do not try and have an affair....with anyone. You're married.
If you're 1000% sure the feeling is not mutual then forget it and move on. Asking her may stop her from just being a friend. You see her every 2-3 weeks which in my books counts as a friend. I don't see my close friends much more than once a month.:footie:
Regular savers earn 6% interest (HSBC, First Direct, M&S) Loans cost 2.9% per year (Nationwide) = FREE money. 0 -
Leave your husband first and be single for a period of time first.
Do not try and have an affair....with anyone. You're married.
If you're 1000% sure the feeling is not mutual then forget it and move on. Asking her may stop her from just being a friend. You see her every 2-3 weeks which in my books counts as a friend. I don't see my close friends much more than once a month.
I didn't read it as an affair being a possibility in this case?
I agree with 'forget it and move on', though. Not that it's easy to do!
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What would you do if it were a male friend? The gender thing is really irrelevant - except for confusing you.But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
theoretica wrote: »What would you do if it were a male friend? The gender thing is really irrelevant - except for confusing you.
Good point, the gender issue is the main mud in the water, for sure. In the case of a male, I would cut ties immediately, should feelings emerge. Not that I would ever, ever stray on my husband - but I'd certainly remove myself from the situation.
However, aside from the confusion regarding sexuality and such, I'd like to keep our friendship going, except I can't see a way of doing so.
The feelings in this case hit me almost immediately, it wasn't a slow burn situation. It's just tormented me for so long now, and I'm kind of fed up
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Congratulations! You're bisexual. This is an inconvenient, but not uncommon way to find out. Assuming you'd like to remain married to your husband, I'd recommend coming clean to both the husband and the friend and politely ending the friendship. It will be awkward for a time, but it's the least worst option.0
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tiger_eyes wrote: »Congratulations! You're bisexual. This is an inconvenient, but not uncommon way to find out. Assuming you'd like to remain married to your husband, I'd recommend coming clean to both the husband and the friend and politely ending the friendship. It will be awkward for a time, but it's the least worst option.
Coming clean to my husband wouldn't be a massive barrier [probably much further down the line], however I'd rather die of mortification than admit to either party [husband or her] who the object of my affections was :rotfl: not because of the sexuality side of things or any related shame attached to that [of which I have none - I'm definitely confused, but not ashamed], just the sheer awkwardness of it all. That's what I find embarrassing; the awk factor!0 -
dazedandconfused80 wrote: »Coming clean to my husband wouldn't be a massive barrier [probably much further down the line], however I'd rather die of mortification than admit to either party [husband or her] who the object of my affections was :rotfl: not because of the sexuality side of things or any related shame attached to that [of which I have none - I'm definitely confused, but not ashamed], just the sheer awkwardness of it all. That's what I find embarrassing; the awk factor!
I hear what you're saying, but it will be a lot more awkward trying to explain to your husband why you've been continuing to see someone you have romantic feelings for.0 -
tiger_eyes wrote: »I hear what you're saying, but it will be a lot more awkward trying to explain to your husband why you've been continuing to see someone you have romantic feelings for.
Of everyone in the world, husband would be the most likely person I'd tell. First and foremost, if I told anyone at all. However, I don't think I'd name names. After all, I've harboured these feelings for a long time, and no matter what I do right now [continue to see or don't], I don't anticipate that the feelings would disappear overnight, and may take a bit of time to fade away. So by naming names, especially when nothing has happened, and I've no intention of trying anything, I think that could complicate matters further.0 -
Personally I would just enjoy the 'crush' knowing that it will never go anywhere!
just enjoy the fact you have discovered new feelings and don't worry about it too much.
Sometimes it is nice to have a little unexpected excitement in life...Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0 -
What would be the point of telling anybody ? I do not see any unless you going to divorce your husband and intend to look for a female partner which you do not as you never fancied any other female and that one is not that way inclined. So cut contact and write it off as a fluke of human psychology.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0
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