Longdistance Love

skullncrossbones

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch. We live about an hour aways drive and only see each other at weekends. There's a lot going on, work is very stressful and I am also studying part time. His work is also stressful, but we both appreciate a little stress is ok. We have tried to move out on several occassions but due to circumstances not being great we've held off. I am due to finished my studies soon which will hopefully alieviate some of the stress.

Although we love each other there's been less affection and we haven't had a sex life for several months and when we've talked about this he said it's been quite a long time he's forgotten what it feels like. I've also had operations and illness that have affected this. Also added to this is that he doesn't like the way I am towards him and others. Admittedly I have been taking things out on him and my close family when things have been stressful. And this in turn has made him lose attraction to me. When I'm chilled and being myself I'm lovely but when I'm arguing I'm ugly.

I know I need to work on myself but has anyone been in a similar situation? Got any tips? I know I am very lucky to have such a patient and chilled out guy but everyone has their limits, I just want things to get better and for us to be close again. It's hard as we only see each other once a week, we both work crazy hours and we both have to travel to see one another.

Thanks in advance.

rach_k

Perhaps it's just the way you're viewing things. I wouldn't really consider a 1 hour drive a long distance relationship - some people (including my husband) have a 1-hour commute at the beginning and end of very long, stressful workdays but they still come home and manage to be husbands/wives/parents.

It sounds like maybe you're both still living with parents which may complicate things a little, but are you an hour's drive away from each other when you're at work? Are both sets of parents happy with you staying over? Instead of just seeing each other at the weekend, could you take it in turns to go straight from work to the other person's house and stay the night? Yes it's an hour drive after work and before work the next day, but so many people do that every day that perhaps once a week each would be do-able so you'd have the weekends plus 2 mid-week nights (or alternate weeks to travel and have a weekend plus a mid-week night). Even if you're only there for 8 hours and most of it is sleeping, you're still together. I sometimes think that just sharing a bed and then waking up together is one of the nicest things about having a partner. It's not always about doing things or talking, just being there with each other helps build closeness, for me at least.

System

Share a bed and one commutes?

Hypathetically if you were both ont dole you could get housing benefit and spend all your time together doing things that would increase your tax credit entitlement

duchy

Sometimes you have to decide what is important.
An hour is nothing and is not a long distance relationship.
Realistically you could finish work at 6pm travel an hour - spend from seven til eleven together and still be home by midnight but neither of you seem motivated to do this more than once a week ?

If you don't prioritize a relationship it will die of neglect. Even if work is busy and it takes effort to meet up more often -if the relationship is worth it then you'll willingly do it (you as in both of you) If one or other of you isn't that motivated then maybe it simply isn't the right relationship right now.

emsywoo123

I thought I had read something similar before so admit I looked at your old posts (why do I feel the need to justify that?!) but you are not who I thought you were....

HOWEVER...


You posted something quite similar in August last year and said it had been that way for a few months? So has it been like this since last Summer? In which case, I think maybe it might be time to make some changes...

System

If you don't prioritize a relationship it will die of neglect.

this and the fact you will both become strangers to each other.

skullncrossbones

rach_k wrote: »

Perhaps it's just the way you're viewing things. I wouldn't really consider a 1 hour drive a long distance relationship - some people (including my husband) have a 1-hour commute at the beginning and end of very long, stressful workdays but they still come home and manage to be husbands/wives/parents.

It sounds like maybe you're both still living with parents which may complicate things a little, but are you an hour's drive away from each other when you're at work? Are both sets of parents happy with you staying over? Instead of just seeing each other at the weekend, could you take it in turns to go straight from work to the other person's house and stay the night? Yes it's an hour drive after work and before work the next day, but so many people do that every day that perhaps once a week each would be do-able so you'd have the weekends plus 2 mid-week nights (or alternate weeks to travel and have a weekend plus a mid-week night). Even if you're only there for 8 hours and most of it is sleeping, you're still together. I sometimes think that just sharing a bed and then waking up together is one of the nicest things about having a partner. It's not always about doing things or talking, just being there with each other helps build closeness, for me at least.

He doesn't drive so it's a 2 hour train for him - sorry should have made it clear. But good point - I commute an hour too. Problem is he shares a room with his brother n it's not fair to ask him sleep on the sofa so I can stay. And to do a 4 hour round trip in less then 24 hours is a bit much - otherwise he'd be welcome here - we're both welcome to stay at each others but it's been difficult due to his family's sleeping arrangements. Yes it is lovely and I hope for it to be like that one day.

skullncrossbones

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I thought I had read something similar before so admit I looked at your old posts (why do I feel the need to justify that?!) but you are not who I thought you were....

HOWEVER...


You posted something quite similar in August last year and said it had been that way for a few months? So has it been like this since last Summer? In which case, I think maybe it might be time to make some changes...

No it got better and then I had an operation and this is my last year at uni and things have been very stressful at work (Perhaps I should just give up work ) Changes are definetly needed.

skullncrossbones

duchy wrote: »

Sometimes you have to decide what is important.
An hour is nothing and is not a long distance relationship.
Realistically you could finish work at 6pm travel an hour - spend from seven til eleven together and still be home by midnight but neither of you seem motivated to do this more than once a week ?

If you don't prioritize a relationship it will die of neglect. Even if work is busy and it takes effort to meet up more often -if the relationship is worth it then you'll willingly do it (you as in both of you) If one or other of you isn't that motivated then maybe it simply isn't the right relationship right now.

Sorry it's an hour for me and 2 hour train for him. I'm quite happy to do that but am currently working until 6, don't get home until 7 so I wouldn't get there until 8 - I am also working on my dissertation and he works at home in the evening some nights. I appreciate it sounds I neither of us are willing to change but I am I just need my dissertation out of the way. Fair point - I am very motivated but I don't want to come across as suffocating to him. It's hard we've been together a long time and when it's good it's great, I think it's an accumalation of things which have all come to a head instead of us dealing with them sooner.

emsywoo123

skullncrossbones wrote: »

He doesn't drive so it's a 2 hour train for him - sorry should have made it clear. But good point - I commute an hour too. Problem is he shares a room with his brother n it's not fair to ask him sleep on the sofa so I can stay. And to do a 4 hour round trip in less then 24 hours is a bit much - otherwise he'd be welcome here - we're both welcome to stay at each others but it's been difficult due to his family's sleeping arrangements. Yes it is lovely and I hope for it to be like that one day.

My OH and I have similar issues; he works an hour from his house, or 1.5 hours from my house. Our homes are about an hour from each other.

We both work, he is a pro-athlete so he trains *a lot*, has his daughter at the weekend, I have children plus I too am doing a degree.

It is hard, really hard to get the time together. But for example, we booked a days leave last week and spent some time together. We only see each other a couple of times a week (mid-week and weekend) but it works for us (for now!)

Beckyy

Do you have a longer term plan after studies finish? Are you hoping to move in together/look for a half way house in between where you both are?