Lying 8 year old

PenniesMake£s

I'm not sure what to do here and could use some advise. My 8 year old daughter can be quite mischievous. In the past she has hidden clothes of her younger sister (age 6) that she doesn't want her to wear, she's played with her little sister or brothers toys and broken them out of curiosity to see how much they can do, for example my dds soft rapuzunzel doll had a plait that was sewn down and she pulled it off tearing the doll a bit in the process, that sort of thing. She played with my clarins face oil diluting it with water:eek: Mostly things are done out of curiosity and I think she gets to a point when she realises that she's gone too far then tries to cover up her actions to avoid the consequences. Whenever something happens in the house though my oh and I instantly assume it is her (unfortunately it always is). We don't make this known to her until we have proof though.

When these things are discovered we sit her down and ask her if she has done it, she denies it, we encourage her to be honest saying that the lie would be worse than the thing that's been done and we just need her to be honest and then she owns up.

However today my younger dd s current favourite doll that has barely left her side has gone missing. Younger dd was crying hysterically at bedtime wanting her doll and my oh and me were turning the place upside down trying to find the doll with no success. We asked older dd if she's done something with her. She started crying saying she hates these talks (hiding her face and stopping a slight smile on her face) but swearing she hasn't done anything. So we had to give up but are convinced she has done something.

I am going to buy a replacement doll tomorrow for my younger dd so it's over for her and while they're at school tomorrow will search the house again.

If I don't find the doll (for example if older dd has chucked her over the garden fence) what should I do about the fact my older dd may have done this and lied and will continue to do this. The lying is my concern more than the mischievous behaviour. The consequences we impose are of the loss of privileges/"we're very disappointed in your behaviour" variety just so you know that when our dd has owned up in the past that's the sort of thing she faces.

Any thoughts/advise appreciated.

FBaby

Your daughter seems to have a strong personality and experiences strong feelings. These can be both positive and negative. The negative you have experienced already, so you need to start focusing on the positives. She seems to have entrepreneurial and maybe creative skills, so she needs to use these in a way that will lead to praise rather than punishment.

At the moment, it sounds like she is jealous of her sister. I expect this is not justified, but it doesn't have to be for her to be negatively affected by it.

My suggestion would be to encourage her to develop her skills both at home and outside. Once she gets positive attention and emotional rewards for it, she will feel less inclined to get attention by using her emotions negatively. In the meantime, continue to discipline her as you are when she lies/steals etc...

sooty&sweep

Hi
If you've been able to prove things have you tried taking a favourite thing away from her so she starts to understand what it feels like to have favourite things taken / damaged ?

Jen

missbiggles1

What punishments have you used in the past, either for the acts or for the lies?

PenniesMake£s

missbiggles1 wrote: »

What punishments have you used in the past, either for the acts or for the lies?

Time out to think about what she has done. No tv for a week/no tablet time for a week. Taken away a toy she likes. One time she erased the details of a party and threw away the invitation that my younger dd had been invited to, so older dd wasn't allowed to go to the next party she was invited to. We always talk to her about the actions and the impact they have had on others and that lying is an absolute no no.

Thank you to others for your feedback so far too.

glentoran99

PenniesMake£s wrote: »

Time out to think about what she has done. No tv for a week/no tablet time for a week. Taken away a toy she likes. One time she erased the details of a party and threw away the invitation that my younger dd had been invited to, so older dd wasn't allowed to go to the next party she was invited to. We always talk to her about the actions and the impact they have had on others and that lying is an absolute no no.

Thank you to others for your feedback so far too.

Next time don't take the tablet


take the charger

pmlindyloo

Although this is an american article it is an interesting read and has some 'pointers'.

http://www.moneycrashers.com/help-kids-overcome-deal-with-jealousy/

I like it because it deals with the reason for the behaviour and not just the consequences.

Your daughter has had to deal with 2? younger siblings and going from being the centre of attention to having to deal with 2 or more newbies putting her nose out of joint.

We are all aware of the difficulties some older siblings experience when the new baby arrives and this seems to be a continuation of this (IMHO)

That doesn't mean that she shouldn't suffer the consequences but trying to address any other issues (mentioned in the article) may be a good starting point.

Unfortunately consequences and your undivided attention (which is what she gets) when she does something wrong actually reinforces the bad behaviour.

Somehow you have to turn around the situation and give her the attention for 'good behaviour' or making a fuss about her achievements and treat the bad behaviour in a very matter of fact way and not prolonging the attention. She knows it is wrong.

Not easy. Good luck!

gonzo127

have you considered 'splitting' the punishment

minor punishment for the deed, and a harsher punishment for the lie?

i only suggest this because to me there are two problems, in the deed and the lie

you can of course try to change the deeds as above with the reward/praise aspect when you daughter has used her 'talents' to something good, but the lies are not really something that can easily be worked around as you cant 'reward' the truth when you have to 'punish' the deed, so maybe if you split the 'punishments' so she knows that something is happening specifically because of the lie she made, as well as the deed, that might make her think twice about the lie in the first place

PeacefulWaters

How can you amend the positive attention you give her as an individual that isn't to the detriment of other kids?

I agree with the "ensure there's a consequence" for wrongdoing. But this should also be combined with something more proactive.

FBaby

I do find it quite interesting how children react to punishment. My two are very opposite. For DD, being punished is the utter shame and she will do absolutely everything to avoid it. Her self worth is very driven by people's praise and thinking she is wonderful, so her energy is spent doing everything to please.

DS operates totally differently and almost 'welcomes' punishment as a way to set him back on the right track. As most kids, I had the violent vocal tantrums from him, accompanied with the 'I hate you' and the rest. But he has told me a number of times when calm, as young as when he was 10 or 11, that I was a fair mum and he did deserve the telling off and punishments I gave him.

Unlike his sister, although he of course like praises and encouragements, it doesn't drive him as much as his sister.

I think as parents, it is our role to adjust the way we raise our children in the way that suits their personality in addition to imposing our values and principles, which is inevitable.

Dill

I wonder if somebody is annoying her at school, and she's transferring her anger onto her younger siblings? She seems to like the power she has over the situation when she's getting up to mischief like this.