How to help a relative with metastatic cancer

whitewing

She may feel that cancer is the big unmentionable. I have a friend from a similar generation whose relative had cancer in the 50s or 60s. The stigma/'shame' has stayed with her, even a little during her own diagnosis. Thankfully times have changed, but attitudes that you grow up with can be hard to change.

You could ask her if she was okay with you/OH seeing a Macmillan nurse as it would help you to support her and your OH. She may feel more comfortable with that. It may also be that she doesn't want anyone at her house if it is not pristine. Maybe she would meet people at yours or OH's house?

Qtipps4

It's such a tricky situation . my mil was in denial until the day she passed away. You can get excellent advice over the phone from McMillan nurses. They are very happy to support you and will insist you look after yourself first and really helped me realise everyone deals with diagnosis in very different ways and that's ok. I wish I could help you more.

ripplyuk

I spoke to Macmillan and they were lovely. They've sent me some information and a card with their number on it. I know my MiL doesn't want anyone seeing the condition of her house, but I'm hoping she'll contact them if she knows she can just speak to them on the phone.

She's very frightened about the surgery and was crying at the weekend when I was talking to her. I asked her if she had talked it through with any of her family but she replied that they never talk to her at all and they aren't interested. It broke my heart. I don't think most of her family are even aware of the surgery she's facing, though they all know she has cancer.

I'm helping her organise getting an electric adjustable bed, as they say after the surgery she will be more comfortable sleeping semi-upright. I'll order meals from Wiltshire farm foods so that she doesn't need to worry about cooking. I've bought a DVD that reminisces about the 1940's which I think she'll enjoy. I've never been that close to her until recently so it's hard to know what sort of things she likes. She's not the type to ever ask.

She'll still asking me if I think she should have the surgery or not, but I've kept repeating that it has to be her own decision. To be honest, that feels really cruel, as she seems upset when I can't give her an answer. She now says she will go ahead with it because she just wants rid of the cancer, even if the surgery leaves her incapacitated. I'm going with her to see the surgeon tomorrow.

Brighton_belle

You are a very kind DinL in the face of such indifference from her family Ripple.
The impact of such surgery on an 84 year old is going to be huge I would have thought. As others have said, don't be afraid to look after yourself too: that is not being selfish, see it more as if you go down hill, you won' be able to help at all.


I don't know if this is feasible, or helpful, but when she is in for surgery, it might be worth letting staff know there is no one at home to look after her post op.

ripplyuk

Thank you Brighton belle. I've thought about letting the doctor know about the situation but I'm really conflicted. Part of me is desperate to tell them, but I know it's not what she wants and she would hate me for it. I want to respect her wishes as I know I'd want that if it was me, no matter what anyone else thought.

But I know after this surgery she will need help with everything, washing herself, dressing, getting to the loo etc. My partner is also going to the appointment tomorrow and he's said that if the doctor asks what help she has at home, he'll reply 'not much', but I know if they suggest a home help or anything to my MiL, she'll refuse.

I know it's unrealistic that I'll be able to care for her all the time. My mental health would go downhill. My own grandfather is also very ill so I need to spend time with him and help my grandmother as much as I can. I'm trying to make sure I take time to see my friends and do things I enjoy, though it is hard to concentrate on anything else.

mellymoo74

Make sure it's really clear how much help she will have.

As I said I'm still recovering from the last 12 months of my MILS life and her anniversary is on the 7th.

Mcmillon or Marie Curie will help and you can talk to them on your own if it's better.

dawyldthing

We've helped my nan over the past years, especially the past 3 when we had to move her in. She hasn't had cancer but she has a leaky heart valve that they were on about replacing but then decided not to (she will be 90 next month). We've also had discussions about cataracts etc.

My nans now to the point where she needs support in everything. I did it full time and worked nearly full time and it wore me out. I'm trying to care for her more and am living off savings and hopefully getting carers allowance, but caring full time is really tiring and hard work. But she does need to decide what's best for her and how much extra the operation will give her and what are the risks, as for my nans heart it was took much risk so we didn't go ahead.

Look after yourself too

Gingernutty

ripplyuk wrote: »

I've thought about letting the doctor know about the situation but I'm really conflicted. Part of me is desperate to tell them, but I know it's not what she wants and she would hate me for it. I want to respect her wishes as I know I'd want that if it was me, no matter what anyone else thought.

But I know after this surgery she will need help with everything, washing herself, dressing, getting to the loo etc. My partner is also going to the appointment tomorrow and he's said that if the doctor asks what help she has at home, he'll reply 'not much', but I know if they suggest a home help or anything to my MiL, she'll refuse.

I know it's unrealistic that I'll be able to care for her all the time. My mental health would go downhill. My own grandfather is also very ill so I need to spend time with him and help my grandmother as much as I can. I'm trying to make sure I take time to see my friends and do things I enjoy, though it is hard to concentrate on anything else.

Tell them. Everything. The decision to operate is affected by the support and after care someone who lives alone will get.

There's no point going through with massive, invasive surgery if there's no after care, no support at home and the patient will be left to fend for herself.

Many people underestimate the effect of a hospital stay, anaesthetics and surgery.

The pain, the restrictions and the 'discombobulation' that can occur.

After effects can be felt weeks or months after the initial surgery.

Patients can deteriorate very quickly when left alone - they neglect themselves, are unable to move about, feed, wash or clothe themselves.

AnotherJoe

This person sounds beyond help. I know someone similar. A lifetime of poor choices and she continues to make them and there's no helping her and its waste of time energy and emotions to attempt it.

As someone else pointed out, if an 80 year old is being put forward for such a major operation then essentially it's that or die shortly, so there doesn't seem any alternative. Your husband should say there is no help at home and see if that changes anything maybe she needs to going into care after her op, and that can be funded by selling the house.