Feeling sad and don't know what to do

egon

Five years ago, we moved to Germany, to be closer to my family. And also to see more of them. For the first year, this was happening. But since then, I haven't seen my family much. We always have to go and visit them. They hardly ever come here. It makes me so sad.

Our oldest DS (10) has had depression for years. With it comes a lot of aggression. After years of dealing with it, it really seem to wear me down now.
Our youngest DS (8) is a generally happy fellow. They both fight a lot though. Mostly, as they feel that they aren't treated fairly - me things. One is always jealous when I spend time with the other one. They prefer me over their dad. This makes me sad, as my DH really cares about them and likes spending time with them. He does have a better relationship with the youngest DS. But still has to play second fiddle to me.

DH was fully committed to the move. He stayed at home the first couple of years. But really didn't like it much. Eventually he found work, but still struggles with the german language.
Since the end of last year, he has been out of job again, as the company moved the position to the south of Germany. It was unlucky.

DH is now staying at home with the oldest DS, as he can't go to school because of the depression. We are waiting for a special therapy place for DS. Both DS and DH are unhappy with the situation. Both are feeling bored and very frustrated.

All the frustration and boredom is playing havoc on family life and our relationships with each other. Even though we talk about it, we don't know how to change the situation, so we can be happier.

DH misses the UK. He rather would like to move back. Both DS's want to stay in Germany. Me personally, I would prefer moving back to the UK as well. (I am German... by the way)
Also, DS's illness is stoping us to move back. We fought so hard for some of his treatment. We would have to give it all up again.
It is a discussion, which keeps coming up in our house.

Right now, I don't know where to go from here. It feels to me, as our family is slowly breaking apart. You now, it feels like we are going around in circles and don't know how to break out of it.

melanzana

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am puzzled though that a 10 year old would have been diagnosed with depression for years. Sorry if I got that wrong though. Sad situation.

At the end of the day, you and your husband are the adults here. The children should go by your decisions. After all, I have no doubt that you have their best interests at heart.

I would go back to UK. There is no point in staying in Germany so your son can get treatment, when the entire family will be broken by that decision, as that is the way it sounds to me.

You will get treatment in the Uk. You may have to fight for it, but it is there.

I wish you well. The decision should be based on you as adults, having weighed up the consequences of staying in Germany.

I know what I would choose in your circumstances. Best of luck OP. No matter what you decide, it is not easy, but on balance, a move back to the UK will be the right one for you and your husband I think, based on what you have said.

missbiggles1

Are your children bilingual or do they speak mainly German?

egon

Our children are bilingual. They are happy in either language. We are actually going to the UK for a week next month. We are sooo looking forward to it. This might be a good situation to put our feelers out for jobs etc.

Yes, I never thought that a 10 year old can have depression either. He was diagnosed with it when he was 6. DS one has never been easy. We love him to bits. But after years of dealing with it, it does wear us down.

Today, he actually had a very bad day until early evening.
We just feel so helpless sometimes.

AnotherJoe

If your husband can get a job in the UK I suggest you move back there.
IMO you shouldn't be asking a ten and an eight year old where they'd like to live. You are the adults you need to make the decisions.

By even asking them now you've given them the wrong impression they are equal in status to you in terms of decisions like this. Fair enough if it's "are we going to the park or the swimming pool" but not for a major thing like this . It's also a burden to put this on such young kids.

bugslet

AnotherJoe wrote: »

If your husband can get a job in the UK I suggest you move back there.
IMO you shouldn't be asking a ten and an eight year old where they'd like to live. You are the adults you need to make the decisions.

By even asking them now you've given them the wrong impression they are equal in status to you in terms of decisions like this. Fair enough if it's "are we going to the park or the swimming pool" but not for a major thing like this . It's also a burden to put this on such young kids.

Totally agree with that. They are too young to dictate that you stay there. A friend of mine has twin boys of 7 and in their lives they have lived in 5 completely different places, including a two year stint in Australia. They are fine and soon settle in.

If you and DH are both wanting to come back to the UK, then do that and sooner rather than later otherwise you are going to start resenting the children for 'making' you stay somewhere.

I think once you make a choice, whatever it is, you will feel a lot better; indecision really weighs you down.

Baby_Angel

The advice so far has been very good. I made a move from Germany to UK after about 12 years there. The opportunities here are better for me and for my OH. Maybe it is the industry we work in and the location where we were in Germany. Our DD was too young to have felt any impact of the move. German language can be hard for some to learn and without it, it is quite hard to integrate.
Good luck to all of you.