Past domestic violence...how to help?

antilles

Hi, not sure it it's the right board but need some advice. I found out recently that a close friend was beaten, and mentally and financially abused for around 5 years by an previous partner. She never went to hospital with any of the injuries and covered it up for the whole time she was with this guy, as she thought her her children (from a previous relationship) might be taken away from her. So she covered everything up for the whole 5 years.

She reported the violence to the police around 3 years ago (3 years after the relationship ended) but was told that as she hadn't been to hospital with the injuries, there was nothing they could do. I find this difficult to believe but I have no experience of this so don't know for sure.

Roll forward to present day (the relationship ended 6 years ago). She suffers constant flashbacks to the violence and as a result is unable to sleep at night, having constant broken sleep and nightmares. She is currently getting about 2 hours a night of broken sleep.

She's also now having some suicidal thoughts, I guess she is pretty messed up by the whole thing and now it's all coming out, having been buried for so long. She has talked to a counsellor and had some CBT sessions around a year ago but evidently she has a long way to go to make a recovery.

She is already on anti-depressants but I suspect these aren't helping much at the moment.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of this. Firstly, she is getting quite angry now that this guy is still walking the streets, having battered her for 5 years. My understanding is that this guy lives local to her and she is terrified he may do it to another partner.

Does anyone have an idea what her options are? For instance should the police have prosecuted this guy and is there anywhere she can take this? It could well happen again to someone else.

Secondly, does anyone have any ideas on therapy that would help her, maybe someone she can talk to?

Sorry it's all a bit patchy, I am still finding out some of the details at the moment. Any experience/advice would be most welcome, I have no idea what to advise at the moment.

elsien

Maybe speaking to women's aid would be a starting point for her?
They can talk through her options and maybe point her to services that would help.
They have a helpline and a survivors forum if it would help her to be able to share with other people who have similar experiences.

Edit - if there is no history of injury or calls to the police then it's hard to see how a prosecution could be taken forward. However maybe if they log it and he does do it to someone else, they can come back to her for supporting evidence another time ?

yvonne13_2

I'm finding it hard to belive that you think the police should prosecute without any evidence.

Your friend did a great job in hiding everything from everyone and that's an issue. Perhaps her children saw what happened who knows, but all I do know is that she left it to late with no way of getting proof.

Don't take this the wrong way, but many people get accussed of doing things when their innocent, The man could easily say the woman is fabricating a lie because he left her for another woman and now years later she's bring it up for whatever reason. He could even go as far as to say if it was true why would she allow her children to be in such an enviroment.

Being abused is a very serious matter therefore it's hard to say how long a person can deny/ pretend it happened to them.

Proof is the key, sorry.

antilles

Thanks for the replies, appreciated! She's going to call Women's Aid today, I'm hoping this will begin some kind of recovery phase.

Totally understand now about the police not being able to do anything as she didn't report it until after the abuse ended. Don't worry I'm not taking any of it the wrong way, I've no experience of anything like this but it makes sense, what an awful situation. Her children were witnesses to the violence on multiple occasions I have just discovered, they were teenagers at the time, so maybe there is something there, I don't know.

It sounds like he was threatening her children with violence too if she reported it, which is why she covered it up for so long. I guess that's how people like this get away with it then go on to abuse in other relationships, the threat element combined with violence is enough to keep people quiet I guess and once the injuries are healed, although the mental scars are still present, it's difficult to prove anything. Let's hope if he does it again he is reported the next time.

I'm hoping she will finally start dealing with the scars today and go on to make a recovery.

nimbo

Do you have a local mental health team?

It would benefit her to speak with her gp - ask for a review of her anti depressants. They may be able to tweak the dose or change the medication. Ask them to refer her through to the mental health team for assessment and intervention - she may have PTSD if she is experiencing flashbacks etc. Tell her she needs to be brutally honest about her symptoms and not to hide or downplay the suicidal thoughts.

This probably won't be a quick process. It can take up to 4 months for assessment where I am based - and then that Long again to actually be seen by psychological therapies.

Ask her gp for the crisis teams number (possibly called something else locally). If she or anyone else is scared for her safety at any point In Relation to self harm or suicide call them. Where I work they're great. They'll speak to someone for hours to talk them down - or will send someone out to do an assessment with a possibility someone will be taken to a place of safety. One thing I do say to my clients is sometimes they take a small while to answer at night - if they are on the phone to someone else - if she cannot wait at this point call -111 or 999 dependant on the level of perceived emergency.

yvonne13_2

antilles wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, appreciated! She's going to call Women's Aid today, I'm hoping this will begin some kind of recovery phase.

Totally understand now about the police not being able to do anything as she didn't report it until after the abuse ended. Don't worry I'm not taking any of it the wrong way, I've no experience of anything like this but it makes sense, what an awful situation. Her children were witnesses to the violence on multiple occasions I have just discovered, they were teenagers at the time, so maybe there is something there, I don't know.

It sounds like he was threatening her children with violence too if she reported it, which is why she covered it up for so long. I guess that's how people like this get away with it then go on to abuse in other relationships, the threat element combined with violence is enough to keep people quiet I guess and once the injuries are healed, although the mental scars are still present, it's difficult to prove anything. Let's hope if he does it again he is reported the next time.

I'm hoping she will finally start dealing with the scars today and go on to make a recovery.

No don't wish for that.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why would you wish that on an innocent person?

As a friend did you not pick up on her subtle differences/ mood changes/ appearance/ her reaction to loud noises in general? I'm assuming you were friends with her at such time.

LocoLoco

Hi Antilles,

I hope your friend gets some good information from Women's Aid - they've been very helpful to me in the past so fingers crossed.

It's such a tough situation to deal with and she's lucky she's got someone like you in her corner. The sort of anger she is feeling is common and is a good sign she's on the road to recovery, albeit a difficult one to cope with. I've been in a similar situation myself and went through a lot of anger at the thought of other people 'getting away with it' - it's very natural to feel that way and it does pass eventually. As well as the medical help and counselling you mention, I found it really helped to try and eat healthily, get some regular exercise and I've found meditating really helped me to come to terms with things that had happened in the past. It's a rocky road but people do come through the other side and end up stronger and happier in the long run. It's good that she's got you by her side, having someone there for you can really help. I hope she starts to feel a bit better soon xx

heartbreak_star

yvonne13 wrote: »

As a friend did you not pick up on her subtle differences/ mood changes/ appearance/ her reaction to loud noises in general? I'm assuming you were friends with her at such time.

It's really not that easy. You learn to put on an excellent mask when it becomes the difference between getting a smack or not.

HBS x

Gigervamp

antilles wrote: »

Let's hope if he does it again he is reported the next time.

yvonne13 wrote: »

No don't wish for that.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why would you wish that on an innocent person?

Antilles wasn't, you read it wrong. They said "IF it happens again" not that they hoped it happens again.