Vent - My Mother (and her generation?)

FBaby

Not better but more diversified. I think it is a very arrogant view to believe that you can do everything better for your children then professional. I consider myself a good mum but the are things nursery staff were much better at providing my kids than I one of which was creative play something I've never been good at.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Did you stay at home with your own children then I assume?

I personally did, until he was five, and then I did a part-time degree and then got a part-time job, term-time only, until he was 15.

However, I agree that it isn't just love that makes a good parent. I'm sure all the families screaming abuse and head-butting each other on the likes of the Jeremy Kyle Show, really love their children.

tooldle

Swings and roundabouts. My brother and I are chalk and cheese in many many ways. He struggled with the basics and therefore benefited from having a stay at home parent there to help him with things. I was the opposite, and needed stretching and challenging. My mum was very good in many ways, but she was not up to that challenge.

duchy

Andypandyboy wrote: »

No, it doesn't disapear, but if your child is being "parented" for 7 hours a day by someone paid to do it, then in my opinion (for the average or maybe normal is the word to use) parent they won't be doing it as well as the actual parent would.

I stress that is not the case with parents who lack parenting skills or have other issues, but, in general, I believe it to be true.

I dont see any research that claims that there is a sudden drop in bonding between parents and children at the age of five when most children (regardless of where Mum and Dad are in the daytime) spend six hours a day apart from their family.

When I see toddlers out with Mums who are more interested in their mobiles than interacting with their child then I can't help but think that they'd be better off in nursery.

Personally I don't believe GOOD care out of the home is bad- but there's an awful lot of poor and mediocre caregiving available too.
That said an engaged parent will pick up on poor care and find better - the less engaged parent won't- in exactly the same way an engaged SAHP will provide a better environment for a child than one who is less engaged. There isn't one size that fits all families.

I was very lucky that at the eleventh hour I was able to stay at home for most of my son's first year -but it really does disgust me how some who are fortunate enough to be able to afford to stay at home disparage those for whom it simply isn't possible.

missbiggles1

Andypandyboy wrote: »

No, it doesn't disapear, but if your child is being "parented" for 7 hours a day by someone paid to do it, then in my opinion (for the average or maybe normal is the word to use) parent they won't be doing it as well as the actual parent would.

I stress that is not the case with parents who lack parenting skills or have other issues, but, in general, I believe it to be true.

I'm not sure that the average/normal parent does have good parenting skills though, or that they necessarily acquire them as time goes on. I'm not talking about the horrors and neglect one reads of in chaotic families or those with issues, just the general incompetence that many "normal" families live with.

Andypandyboy

duchy wrote: »

-but it really does disgust me how some who are fortunate enough to be able to afford to stay at home disparage those for whom it simply isn't possible.

I was quite clear that I don't fall into that category. If you need to work for whatever reasons then there isn't a choice to be made.

Person_one wrote: »

Did you stay at home with your own children then I assume?

My children had one or other of us as a sahp when they were young, yes.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm not sure that the average/normal parent does have good parenting skills though, or that they necessarily acquire them as time goes on. I'm not talking about the horrors and neglect one reads of in chaotic families or those with issues, just the general incompetence that many "normal" families live with.

I am not sure what that means, no one is perfect, but I think that the average parent/normal parent has the best interest of their specific child at the forefront of their thinking. I don't think that can be said for paid for care.

ripplyuk

I wish my mum had stayed at home when I was little. I was lucky that my grandparents looked after me during the day so I was still with family. But even today, although I love my mum very much, when times are tough, it's my granny I run to. There's a certain 'closeness' that I don't have with my mum. It's my granny who I remember rocking me to sleep, comforting me when upset or unwell, singing to me, and just always having time for me.

Having said that, my mum worked hard to give us a good standard of living, which I respect and love her for.

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

Did you stay at home with your own children then I assume?

Unfortunately, that's still the role of the woman in most relationships.

missbiggles1

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I am not sure what that means, no one is perfect, but I think that the average parent/normal parent has the best interest of their specific child at the forefront of their thinking. I don't think that can be said for paid for care.

I'm sorry you don't understand what I mean - having the best interest of the child at the forefront, just like loving that child, doesn't mean that the people involved have good parenting skills.
It may mean that they'll do the best they can but that still doesn't mean that the skills will be there.

As examples, think of the parents who spoil their children, who don't discipline them, who overfeed them, who don't challenge them or help them to develop their interests. These could all be "normal" loving parents, not from problematic backgrounds, but in all those situations, the child might well be better off spending it's early years (daytimes, of course) with a skilled professional carer who actually does have the appropriate skills.

FBaby

but I think that the average parent/normal parent has the best interest of their specific child at the forefront of their thinking. I don't think that can be said for paid for care.

Having the child best interest at the forefront of your thinking doesn't mean that you are providing the best care though.

It's my granny who I remember rocking me to sleep, comforting me when upset or unwell, singing to me, and just always having time for me.

Those are things that you can still do whilst working though, I certainly did with my kids. It was just harder and more tiring.

It's true that you can build a bond with your other care taker though. I remain close to the lady who looked after me after school for many years (until I moved) and my kids are still in contact with two of the girls who looked after them at nursery (and then afterschool).