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Update/advice Can't find original thread
paigesaunt
Posts: 117 Forumite
Hello everyone
As in the title I can't find the original thread to update you and ask for advice, so please ask any questions you need in order to help me.
It's almost one year since my husband of 22 years left me for someone he'd known for only a few weeks, in that time I have started work, had a cancer scare (no cancer, but onset of kidney disease) paid all the bills, paid off £1,000 of the mortgage arrears he left me with, and lost about 3 stone in weight.
Approximately every few months he contacts me, asks to meet me tells me how unhappy and mixed up he is, what a possesive nut job she is, how poor, tired and run down he is. Then proceeds to go back to her for another few months, then the whole process starts again!
On one ocassion back in the summer, I was doing so well I felt brave enough (as sad as it sounds I do still love him and want him back) to ignore his calls and messages, he then proceeded to stalk me at work, drive by the house several times a day hoping to catch me, then eventually came and knocked the door, I stupidly agreed again to meet him, same thing happened, told me they have found a flat and he's not sure if he wants to move in with her or not, it's too expensive, and she's so possessive she's even got his phone tracked, but needless to say he did (Aug 2015) and I didn't hear from him again until, late October. I didn't respond straight away, but the tone of the message and the fact that he went to ours sons work to ask him to tell me to call him gave me hope that he was coming to his senses and wanted to come home, so eventually I gave in and responded.
We met up a few times. I was shocked when I saw him, he looked dreadful, skin hanging off him, lives off protein shakes, has no money (although they have had two foreign holidays in 9 months, bought a new work van, and still in the £900pm flat) we remained in fairly regular text contact, I spoke to him in December and he told me he'd been thinking he needs to decide what he wants by January because he'd have to give the landlord one months notice to be removed from the tenancy if he wasn't going to stay with her in the flat, I made suggestions about the easiest way to handle it and get away from her which he seemed to think was a good idea, and would give it some thought. Didn't hear from him again until New Year's Day, he called and told me he'd left her and was staying at his sisters for now, but would be moving to his dad once he'd bought a bed, told me how relieved he felt to be away from her, I was relieved too, didn't necessarily mean he'd want to come home, but I can see she's, or his situation is slowly destroying him.
I sent a few messages over that weekend, he responded eventually with quite loving words (very unusual since we'd been apart) saying he was sorting out his belongings and money and would talk soon. I told him not to contact me if he was still meeting or living with her.
On Weds he sent me a message saying he hoped we could meet up again, but just at the moment with 'all this crap going on' it's better for us both if we leave it for a while.
I have given him enough time, so text saying, no, sorry it's now or never. Told him I have made an apt for next week with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings, I'm happy to communicate with him now, but once solicitors are involved I want no further contact with him, ever, I said I cannot live with all this confusion so I have to put a stop to it, as of today, he hasn't replied.
SO, finally I get to the bit where I need advice:
He was declared bankrupt in 2008, and with his agreement I purchased his beneficial interest in the house from the official receiver, he's still jointly responsible for the mort payments, not that he's paid any of course, but he has no claim on the property.
Unfortunately there are two charging orders in his sole name from his business debts to the value of £60,00 and rising, we were both under the impression these would be included in the bankruptcy, I only discovered after he left they are still showing up, I believe they we not made final though if that makes any difference?
As you can probably gather he is quite skilled at being deceitful, irresponsible, cruel, selfish and only works for his own gain, holidays, gadgets, expensive flat, cars, vans, motorbikes etc etc! He hasn't paid any tax or vat for as far back as I can remember, in fact the last demand from the IR, was for £5,000 for failing to submit tax returns, that's just the penalties! Nothing has arrived here from them for quite some time now so Im suspecting this is all going to blow up in his face very soon, also there was a working tax credits overpayment of £3,000 as we didn't renew the joint claim, I made a new claim as a single person when I started work, but apparently we should have given his income for the previous year to avoid having to pay back what we'd received in our joint claim. I wouldn't have been able to give those figures anyway because he'd been left 3 months by then anyway. I was told by tax credits, they'd tried to cross match his tax return and tax credits claim to get an income, but couldn't find anything, hence my feeling that this may have flagged his name up with the IR.
So, another thing I could do with advice on is, when it comes to financial disclosure, how do you deal with someone so dishonest, he will no doubt plead poverty and say he doesn't earn much, which is complete rubbish given his expensive flat etc, his fianc! (yes I know he's still married to me, but engaged to her) is a double glazing sales person.
I have a few questions
1) Does the court have any powers to force him to start paying the charging orders, as there is only 11 years left on the interest only mortgage of £190,000 plus the £60,000 charging orders, so I could be homeless and in massive debt at the age of 65!
2) I don't want anything in financial settlement, I only want him to be forced to repay his business debts (C/O) and some of his small pension to pay off a bit of the mortgage.
I think that's enough for now, I'm so sorry it's so long, but I needed to give you an insight to my feelings and his deceitfulnessso so you could see how I'm wrestling with my emotions, but as much as I don't want to do it I have to divorce him. Does anyone think I should give him more time, the only genuine thing about him is that he is really in a bad place, possibly depressed or having a breakdown.
Your views would help me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post
As in the title I can't find the original thread to update you and ask for advice, so please ask any questions you need in order to help me.
It's almost one year since my husband of 22 years left me for someone he'd known for only a few weeks, in that time I have started work, had a cancer scare (no cancer, but onset of kidney disease) paid all the bills, paid off £1,000 of the mortgage arrears he left me with, and lost about 3 stone in weight.
Approximately every few months he contacts me, asks to meet me tells me how unhappy and mixed up he is, what a possesive nut job she is, how poor, tired and run down he is. Then proceeds to go back to her for another few months, then the whole process starts again!
On one ocassion back in the summer, I was doing so well I felt brave enough (as sad as it sounds I do still love him and want him back) to ignore his calls and messages, he then proceeded to stalk me at work, drive by the house several times a day hoping to catch me, then eventually came and knocked the door, I stupidly agreed again to meet him, same thing happened, told me they have found a flat and he's not sure if he wants to move in with her or not, it's too expensive, and she's so possessive she's even got his phone tracked, but needless to say he did (Aug 2015) and I didn't hear from him again until, late October. I didn't respond straight away, but the tone of the message and the fact that he went to ours sons work to ask him to tell me to call him gave me hope that he was coming to his senses and wanted to come home, so eventually I gave in and responded.
We met up a few times. I was shocked when I saw him, he looked dreadful, skin hanging off him, lives off protein shakes, has no money (although they have had two foreign holidays in 9 months, bought a new work van, and still in the £900pm flat) we remained in fairly regular text contact, I spoke to him in December and he told me he'd been thinking he needs to decide what he wants by January because he'd have to give the landlord one months notice to be removed from the tenancy if he wasn't going to stay with her in the flat, I made suggestions about the easiest way to handle it and get away from her which he seemed to think was a good idea, and would give it some thought. Didn't hear from him again until New Year's Day, he called and told me he'd left her and was staying at his sisters for now, but would be moving to his dad once he'd bought a bed, told me how relieved he felt to be away from her, I was relieved too, didn't necessarily mean he'd want to come home, but I can see she's, or his situation is slowly destroying him.
I sent a few messages over that weekend, he responded eventually with quite loving words (very unusual since we'd been apart) saying he was sorting out his belongings and money and would talk soon. I told him not to contact me if he was still meeting or living with her.
On Weds he sent me a message saying he hoped we could meet up again, but just at the moment with 'all this crap going on' it's better for us both if we leave it for a while.
I have given him enough time, so text saying, no, sorry it's now or never. Told him I have made an apt for next week with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings, I'm happy to communicate with him now, but once solicitors are involved I want no further contact with him, ever, I said I cannot live with all this confusion so I have to put a stop to it, as of today, he hasn't replied.
SO, finally I get to the bit where I need advice:
He was declared bankrupt in 2008, and with his agreement I purchased his beneficial interest in the house from the official receiver, he's still jointly responsible for the mort payments, not that he's paid any of course, but he has no claim on the property.
Unfortunately there are two charging orders in his sole name from his business debts to the value of £60,00 and rising, we were both under the impression these would be included in the bankruptcy, I only discovered after he left they are still showing up, I believe they we not made final though if that makes any difference?
As you can probably gather he is quite skilled at being deceitful, irresponsible, cruel, selfish and only works for his own gain, holidays, gadgets, expensive flat, cars, vans, motorbikes etc etc! He hasn't paid any tax or vat for as far back as I can remember, in fact the last demand from the IR, was for £5,000 for failing to submit tax returns, that's just the penalties! Nothing has arrived here from them for quite some time now so Im suspecting this is all going to blow up in his face very soon, also there was a working tax credits overpayment of £3,000 as we didn't renew the joint claim, I made a new claim as a single person when I started work, but apparently we should have given his income for the previous year to avoid having to pay back what we'd received in our joint claim. I wouldn't have been able to give those figures anyway because he'd been left 3 months by then anyway. I was told by tax credits, they'd tried to cross match his tax return and tax credits claim to get an income, but couldn't find anything, hence my feeling that this may have flagged his name up with the IR.
So, another thing I could do with advice on is, when it comes to financial disclosure, how do you deal with someone so dishonest, he will no doubt plead poverty and say he doesn't earn much, which is complete rubbish given his expensive flat etc, his fianc! (yes I know he's still married to me, but engaged to her) is a double glazing sales person.
I have a few questions
1) Does the court have any powers to force him to start paying the charging orders, as there is only 11 years left on the interest only mortgage of £190,000 plus the £60,000 charging orders, so I could be homeless and in massive debt at the age of 65!
2) I don't want anything in financial settlement, I only want him to be forced to repay his business debts (C/O) and some of his small pension to pay off a bit of the mortgage.
I think that's enough for now, I'm so sorry it's so long, but I needed to give you an insight to my feelings and his deceitfulnessso so you could see how I'm wrestling with my emotions, but as much as I don't want to do it I have to divorce him. Does anyone think I should give him more time, the only genuine thing about him is that he is really in a bad place, possibly depressed or having a breakdown.
Your views would help me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post
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It sounds like he is the possessive nutjob and isn't wanting you at all.. he left you for another woman, that's fallen apart so he thinks 'oh, shes a twit I'll just flatter her a bit and go back, until something better comes along again'
the calls and the 'poor me' are to control you and keep you dangling and like a fool you fell for it.. move on with your life that chapter is over.. especially if you might end up homeless!! Ignore your emotions, and trust your brain.. what would you tell someone else who had written what you just did??
Start the divorce proceedings.. name and shame his floozy and move on..LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
Im confused to you want to reconcile or not?
1: No, there is no such thing as debtors prison anymore. However if the charges are valid they will be taken off the value of the property when sold. (why on earth are you paying interest only?!)
2: I think you'll be lucky if he doesn't get a share of what you own. I'm not sure why you think you'd be entitled to anything of his as clearly the marital assets are the home. Do you both have a pension?0 -
Yes I would like to try again, but I have to accept he doesn't want me, Im just making excuses for him rather than face it.0
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Sorry, I don't have a pension.0
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paigesaunt wrote: »Yes I would like to try again, but I have to accept he doesn't want me, Im just making excuses for him rather than face it.
I don't think that message is clear (not that I think you should try again, but it's not my opinion that matters) - he's just left this other woman, living with family and then you throw divorce at him.
He might deserve to be sent over the edge, but certainly I think that might just send him over it.
Just posting these again, as it is important and may affect your decisions:
1: No, there is no such thing as debtors prison anymore. However if the charges are valid they will be taken off the value of the property when sold. (why on earth are you paying interest only?!)
2: I think you'll be lucky if he doesn't get a share of what you own. I'm not sure why you think you'd be entitled to anything of his as clearly the marital assets are the home. Do you both have a pension?0 -
paigesaunt wrote: »Sorry, I don't have a pension.
Ok so there's a property (any equity in it?)
and a pension (any value in it?)
If you divorce it may be that you get to keep the house, but equally it may not, as you would need to get your own mortgage to cover it - could you do that?0 -
I have to say, hand on heart, do NOT have him back! It sounds like you have done perfectly OK on your own. I also have a feeling that he will do it to you again, because he sounds like a man who wants to have his cake and eat it!
Be strong. Tell him to get lost and not bother you again.0 -
Regardless of whose name the house is in, it is an asset of the marriage.
The starting point for a divorce settlement would be full disclosure and 50:50 on the assets.
Bankruptcy covers unsecured debts; so if the charging orders were in place prior to the bankruptcy, those debt were secured and not included.
You know already that he is has the HMRC on his back. They might make him bankrupt again but they would at least not be able to secure the debts on the property.
If you stay with him he will bleed what little money there is out of the family assets and then probably burger off.
If you divorce him he MAY get round to claiming half the assets and his debts and pension are likely to be taken into account but whatever happens you need a final consent order or he will turn up in the future and bleed you dry.
Your best option is to get as much as you can out of the divorce, then try and buy somewhere small with a short term mortgage to secure your future to some extent. If you cannot do that then rent because at least you will not have to fund future repairs.
How much is the house worth?If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing0 -
Thank you for your input
I think he's probably gone back to her now anyway so having him back isn't an issue anymore.
I wondering what the next step would be now, if Im honest I'm not overly bothered about divorcing him at the moment, the only thing I am concerned about are these charging orders, as someone said in an earlier post, as he has no beneficial interest in the house, none of his creditors can put anymore on the property thank goodness.
The mortgage is interest only because we couldn't afford repayment after we remortgaged to buy him a new £20,000 truck, pay off his VAT bill £10,000 and his income tax liabilities £15,000 10 years ago.
House is valued at 210,000
Mortgage is £190,000
Charging orders total, £45,00
I think for now I will just carry on as Iam, and review things in a year or so.
Just one question, if I make a new will, will that override the old will which mirrors his, and leaves everything to each other?
Still interested in your thoughts and views
Thanks again everyone0
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