how do you leave

hanstar

I've been with my partner for 11 years, in that time I can't remember being truly happy, not for than maybe a week at a time because he suffers from cyclothymia so his moods are up and down sporadically. we don't share the same interests, friends or anything, we just ended up together and We now have 3 children together who are the reason we have stayed together but I am just so unhappy. the main problem is that he smokes cannabis to help his mood swings but of course that costs a lot of money and I am now paying for him to buy cannabis so I don't have to deal with the anger issues and keep my children in a happy environment. Recently because money is so tight I have not been able to fund his smoking and I discovered he had stolen the childrens money to pay for it. This is the second time and I don't know where to turn. I just don't feel strong enough to leave, I have threatened it and planned it but just don't have the strength mentally to do it. I know he will be as awkward as possible about time with kids and housing and I will worry so much what his head state will be like while he is with children.

The final nail in the coffin was on Christmas day he wanted to borrow money (my Christmas money from my family) so he could go and buy stuff.
I am hard working, run my own business and just feel so stupid for getting involved with anyone like this let alone feel so alone and stuck that I can't leave. I don't have a penny to my name at the moment and no friends or family to stay with. I know no one can magically help but any advice greatly received. xx

thorsoak

Sending you {{hugs}} - and a link to Womens Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You may say that you aren't being abused/hit etc - but from what you have written, you are in a toxic relationship - and talking to someone there may well give you the support you need to move on.

Good luck

steph2901

I think you need to think of yourself and the kids and get out of that relationship. Go and see the citizens advice, they will be able to help and also see your local council about getting housing if you need it. A friend of mine was in a bad relationship and thought she had no choice but is now happy on her own and wishes she hadn't wasted so many years in misery.

carefullycautious

How can you say you are keeping your children in a happy environment when your partner is stealing yours/ their money to smoke cannabis or throws a hissy fit when cant get his own way.


You need to wake up and get out of this abusive relationship. Do it for your children, breathing in cannabis is extremely detrimental to young people and causes a lot of mental illness that are afflicting them at present.


Making excuses as to why you stay with him is unforgivable.

RAS

It is definitely time to contact Women's Aid.

He may not be beating you (or at least you have not said he is) but if you are scared of his anger and he takes your money without real consent to this extent, it is financial abuse and quite possibly emotional abuse as well.

Given them a call. They may be able to help you leave or to get an occupation order to keep the roof over your heads.

hanstar

thank for replies. He's never been abusive and the only arguments we really have are about money, he never smokes in the house, only shed at the end of the garden and most people would not even know he smokes or realize he is verging on Bi polar. he's always made me believe I am the control freak for regulating the money I allow him, but I have to to control the situation. honestly if you have never known anyone who smokes to keep a straight head you'd be surprised how they need to smoke to function and they are better to be around if they do smoke, it's a vicious circle. I am in no way condoning just think if you haven't lived with it you might not realize.

Once again he is out of work so money is constantly tight and debt are spiralling. twice now he has left a job declaring that the boss owes him money but I've just come to realize that there is no money owed, i'm such a mug it's just been spent and he's lied.

System

Prolonged and extensive use of cannabis by the parent around young children may well be a Child Protection Issue.

Google throws up a few links, including:
http://www.familylawquestions.co.uk/files/Drugs.html

hanstar

avogadro wrote: »

Prolonged and extensive use of cannabis by the parent around young children may well be a Child Protection Issue.

Google throws up a few links, including:
http://www.familylawquestions.co.uk/files/Drugs.html

Thanks for link, gives me hope that if things turned nasty then I would stand a chance of using the smoking against him... although at the moment it is never around the children, shed at the end of the garden, I wouldn't allow it in the house or anywhere near the children. (but I wouldn't be able to enforce this if I wasn't there, if the children were in his care) as I said he is not your stereotypical smoker, I doubt youd know if you met him but he is vile without it so its a double edged sword.
I guess I have just become to see it as almost normal, 11 years of him going out to the shed and spending money on it I forget how it is not normal. just need to get myself the strength to get out and stop making excuses, I definitely owe it to my children and myself to be happy.

BigAunty

The Womens Aid website has a survival guide. I am not disputing your view that you aren't in an abusive relationship. However, that has practical info for women and mothers who are ending relationships. If you ignore the irrelevant stuff, it will give you an idea of things you may need to pack or consider in terms of finances, etc.

Their site also explains why women remain in abusive relationships and find it hard to make the break - substitute the inappropriate word 'abusive' for 'unsuitable' and I think many of the reasons listed theree will chime with you, anything from a loss of confidence to make the change, to not rocking the boat for the sake of the kids, to being put under pressure tactics by their partner to continue the relationship.

Btw, financial abuse (in terms of exploiting the partner's income, making them liable for debts, keeping them short) is also classed as one of many types of behaviour that is evidence of domestic abuse. You use the word 'vile' but the website uses words like 'disrespect' and 'pressure tactics' so it could be in the same ball park.

There are around a dozen behaviours listed on the WA site that may indicate someone is in an abusive relationship, only one of them relates to physical abuse. Unfortunately, there is a persistent myth that a women is only a victim of domestic abuse when they are physically assaulted. This is not the case.

The WA has a checklist of what constitutes DA. But yes, it sounds like his addiction and health problems, his criminal behaviour, is causing a relationship breakdown. I'm not saying you are in an abusive one but because its so exploitative and imbalanced, you may find some of the general information there quite helpful.

And I'm sorry to be so ambivalent about DA, the Womens Aid website makes clear that there is no excuse for the perpetrator to be disrespectful to their partner, and this includes the abuser citing mental health or addiction issues. Under their philosophy, noone gets a 'get out card' by blaming anything other than themselves for their vile behaviour.

The Shelter website also has a relationship breakdown section that will give you an understanding of your rights and options. Are you in rental accommodation, do you have joint or sole ownership or tenancy? Are you planning to leave or would you like him to leave the property?

The Turn2us online benefit calculator is handy for you to model your entitlement as a lone parent - you can enter the future scenario there to get an idea of changes to any benefits that you could be able to receive.

indsty

From personal experience - getting out of the relationship may seem impossible, but your children and you will be soooooo much happier once that has been accomplished. It will be a struggle, and the suggestions made above will help. Your children deserve better - they deserve and need a mum who knows what they all need and makes sure they get it.

Once you are on your own you will also be amazed at how much further your money goes when you are in total charge of it. You will also feel so much stronger once you have actually made an initial enquiry with WA etc, and will feel like you are once more in control of your life and your future. Whatever happens - good luck.