Help me help my daughter please

elisabeth76

One month ago my daughter left her husband and returned to live with us while she comes to terms with the fact her marriage is over.
Earlier in the year he physically assaulted her, was arrested, charged and found guilty. They tried to rescue their marriage, she assured us this was the only time this had happened and naively, we believed her.
Currently his behaviour swings wildly from one extreme to the other, I'm guessing he is desperately trying to regain some control and cannot believe she is not coming back, it is probably also influenced by his cannabis use. He has remained in the marital home while she lives with us.
She is seeing a solicitor next week as it is clear he would not entertain mediation.
My question to anyone who can help please, is this- does she have to spend the next couple of years struggling to make ends meet while he sits in their home? He has a very well paid job (£50K a year)
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I would dearly love to help her and my 2 little granddaughters.

19lottie82

Her Husband cannot make the decision "not to entertain mediation" it is a legal pre requisite before court proceedings to award the division of any assets, which looks like it will happen if they can't reach an amicable agreement.

No one can really advise you what will happen here. The final decision will be from a judge.

The husbands lawyer may argue he wants to stay in the family home and retain custody of the children, but a domestic violence charge will definitely work in your DD's favour.

Can your daughter afford to stay on the house and find it alone? She will be entitled to apx 20% of his salary as maintenance for 2 children.

pmlindyloo

19lottie82 wrote: »

Her Husband cannot make the decision "not to entertain mediation" it is a legal pre requisite before court proceedings to award the division of any assets, which looks like it will happen if they can't reach an amicable agreement.

No one can really advise you what will happen here. The final decision will be from a judge.

The husbands lawyer may argue he wants to stay in the family home and retain custody of the children, but a domestic violence charge will definitely work in your DD's favour.

Can your daughter afford to stay on the house and find it alone? She will be entitled to apx 20% of his salary as maintenance for 2 children.

Although it is true that mediation now forms part of divorce proceedings where finances/children/ property are involved, parties where there is evidence of domestic abuse (as in this case) can be exempt from this process.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/10557746/Couples-must-consider-mediation-before-a-divorce.html

BrassicWoman

Has she spoken to women's aid? They provide a range of emotional and practical support.

duchy

As she is already living apart from him she should be claiming child support. If he refuses to pay then eventually it will be taken at source from his pay and his employer will know about it - so often the realization that will happen encourages the non resident parent to pay anyway.

Does she work ?
With child benefit, child support (and tax credits if she's working) - and presumably a free roof over her head.......why is she struggling financially ? In the short term she should be relatively comfortable especially if she works part-time and either gets most of her child care paid by tax credits or family are prepared to help with childcare.

Realistically if she chooses to be a SAHM as a single person then she'll be worse off but as a young woman capable of working she's not likely to get spousal maintainance for herself anyway so will have a choice between benefits or working in the long term. Once the children are 5 she'd be expected to be looking for work anyway rather than remain on benefits.

She'll be entitled to half the marital assets (equity in house, savings, any pension pots) but won't have any right to claim on her husband's future earnings unless there is a very good reason she can't work like disability (sometimes). Having two children isn't regarded as a reason . Support for th children - yes - support for her no.

I agree she should be speaking to either WA or CAB for practical advice - a solicitor won't know about that side of it.

ecgirl07

I would recommend bringing up the idea of counselling for your daughter with a view to boosting her self esteem and give her strategies to deal with any of his mindgames. My sister is 3 years out the relationship but he still has a hold over her that none of us on the outside can fathom, especially when it comes to dealing with the kids.

happy35

I would advise your daughter books an appointment with CAB or similar to make sure she is getting everything she is entitled to

With regards to the marital home, is there equity in the property? If after finding out entitlements could she afford the marital home? Another possibility is trying to get a new home via the local authority or housing association

I would agree with earlier poster about getting some counselling to move forwards

elsien

If there is domestic violence then she may be able to get legal aid.

jjj1980

ecgirl07 wrote: »

I would recommend bringing up the idea of counselling for your daughter with a view to boosting her self esteem and give her strategies to deal with any of his mindgames. My sister is 3 years out the relationship but he still has a hold over her that none of us on the outside can fathom, especially when it comes to dealing with the kids.

Having been in your sisters position, I can understand the part in bold from her side. Even 5.5 years down the line, I am very....wary when dealing with issues surrounding my daughter and ex. I think this is mostly down to the fact that the majority of the mental abuse I suffered from him was to do with threats surrounding how he would snatch her one day and I'd never see her again, that he would take every opportunity to make her believe I was never interested in her etc.


I second the advice to seek help from Women's Aid. They were amazing when I finally sought their help and my only regret is that I hadn't gone sooner.


Also, some counselling does sound like a good idea. My first two sessions and the drive home from each were spent in racking sobs. Hearing such an independent person saying after reading all the evidence of my ex's behaviour towards me and seeing the disgustingly worded texts and my panicky replies, that it was clear the issues were totally within him and not me. It only took a few sessions and I was feeling tons more able to cope and deal with him without the crippling fear.


All the best to your daughter OP.

Darksparkle

duchy wrote: »

As she is already living apart from him she should be claiming child support. If he refuses to pay then eventually it will be taken at source from his pay and his employer will know about it - so often the realization that will happen encourages the non resident parent to pay anyway.

Does she work ?
With child benefit, child support (and tax credits if she's working) - and presumably a free roof over her head.......why is she struggling financially ? In the short term she should be relatively comfortable especially if she works part-time and either gets most of her child care paid by tax credits or family are prepared to help with childcare.

Realistically if she chooses to be a SAHM as a single person then she'll be worse off but as a young woman capable of working she's not likely to get spousal maintainance for herself anyway so will have a choice between benefits or working in the long term. Once the children are 5 she'd be expected to be looking for work anyway rather than remain on benefits.

She'll be entitled to half the marital assets (equity in house, savings, any pension pots) but won't have any right to claim on her husband's future earnings unless there is a very good reason she can't work like disability (sometimes). Having two children isn't regarded as a reason . Support for th children - yes - support for her no.

I agree she should be speaking to either WA or CAB for practical advice - a solicitor won't know about that side of it.

She can get child tax credits without working.

She could get working tax credits and help with childcare on top of that if working at least 16hrs.

pigpen

Mediation can be held with the 2 parties in separate rooms and the mediator conveys one set of opinions to the other by room-hopping .. They also offer a chaperone service for vulnerable parties.

He will have to pay towards the children and she will be entitled to something but getting it from him may prove tricky. Child maintenance can be taken direct from wages.