Lending & spending ... pressure from OH ... advice anyone??

Jenna

Hi,

I'm really struggling with my OH vs. my opinions about money. Having just gone through a period of major worry and insecurity (I left my job due to health reasons - the stress/overwork were pretty much killing me - and found a new one by the skin of my teeth) I really just want to pay off my debts as fast as possible and try and save some money up as a 'buffer' in case my contract (3 months, renewable) isn't extended and I need to find a new job in a hurry.

He owes me quite a bit of money (£2.8k ish) from a few years ago when I paid off his debts for him - perhaps stupidly but I couldn't stand seeing him so depressed from it, and the money was in savings so I just figured ''Well I'm not using it, so why not?''.

I don't technically need the money back, but it bothers me to have it in the background of our relationship as it were, and I sometimes worry that if we broke up I'd never get it back. It's not that I don't trust him ... it's just that to me that money could pay back over 50% of my debt, or buy a car plus insurance etc, or go towards savings for a deposit on a mortgage.

A few months ago (when I was still between jobs) we talked a bit and he said, look lets see how things go once you've found a job, in the meantime I'll pay as many bills as I need to so we have food / electricity etc. I agreed on the condition that the extra money he paid out came off the money he owed me!! (which he objected to)

It's really weird, he's very generous sometimes and thinks nothing of paying out money on 'us' e.g. things for the house or ordering food in - or like a few months ago, just offering to pay as many of my bills as he could (at least the really important ones) until I found a job. But then he somehow always seems to be a bit short of cash and I end up lending money to him. He does always pay it back in the end (and that's often how he puts it, too, look it's only £30 and you know I'll pay you back) ... it's just that sometimes the timing isn't exactly what we agreed on. It might be 2 days or 2 weeks.

The trouble is, with my old job (where I was very underpaid) I could actually say, sorry, I don't have the money. Now I have the cash ... especially in money 'pots' which have now become my secret addiction!! I have one for everything, holiday savings, xmas savings, electricity, the list goes on!! Anyway he knows about these 'pots' as we tend to sit down and budget things together (and if he asks me outright how much is in them I can't lie!!) so he just says, look this is silly you have the cash and I'll pay you back on Friday / next week / whenever it is.

I posted earlier this year about holidays and in the end I held out against going to Las Vegas for my 21st and I had a really cool day just with my boyfriend and family. We did go to Italy - and confession time I spent on my card instead of saving up although technically I couldn't save as I'd only had the job 2 weeks by the time we went away!! - although it was only about £200 although I don't suppose that's any excuse.

I've been a bit embarassed to post before I could show that the debt had reduced from what I put before so that's why I've left it til now. Although now that the TV loan is coming up to an end (and fingers crossed will be paid off before the end date instead of needing to be put onto a new 0% CC like we originally thought!!) the OH is thinking about putting a sofa onto credit ... mine, needless to say, as he reckons his won't hold out to the application. He says DFS will do 3 yrs interest free credit, with no re-payments for year 1 (e.g. first re-payment Sept 07) ... so if he could cover the 1st four re-payments, I could clear all of my current debts EXCEPT my half of the sofa by December 2008 and then just have that one, interest free. And we could easily pay that back inside the 3 year window.

Oh argh!!!!!!! Why must people be so complicated!!!!!!!!! Trouble is it's so tempting, our couches were given to us before we moved in and are really uncomfy, they're lumpy, one has a spring that sticks in you if you sit on one side of it, and both are this nasty dingy brown colour ... when I think we could have a nice black leather couch for about £600 in the BH sales (e.g. tomorrow), that's £300 each ... my current repayments to debt (inc. min payments) are a tad over £300 so really it's only one month - Jan 2009 - onto the debt repaying??!

Oh c**p!!! I'm so useless at this money lark, I make up my mind to do something e.g. pay off my debts and not take on more, save up for xmas and going away on holiday, and do lots of overtime - and what happens, I get sweet talked into things.

I'm really really sorry for the very long rant but I'm so worried about it, I've been up all night thinking - it's now 6am - and I do feel lots better for getting it all off my chest.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. ~ Jenna xx

tealady

It sounds as if the two of you have completely different attitudes to money. How would he feel if you said "Hun I need £200 - can't access any savings at the moment so will you lend it to me. I'll pay you back in a few days/weeks/whenever." You say he is generous with money, yes he is - your money! This is a difficult situation to be in as it can cause tremendous problems in any relationship. I hope you can find a way around this, perhaps if you could get to the bottom of why he is like he is with money, as otherwise you will have to live with this as until or unless he has a lightbulb moment you will have to be the saver for both of you.
Have you tried asking him for a fixed amount per week/ month to cover all the bills (plus a bit off what he owes you?)
Whatever you decide it is your life, good luck.

ceridwen

Hi Jemma

Dont know that I can add anything useful. Just a little thought on the sofa - is it possible to put some cushions or something on it to pad it to make it more comfortable to sit on and/or put a throw over it to hide the appearance. I've done both those things myself before now to be able to hold on and wait for a new sofa.

Well - as for the general situation - you know, in your heart of hearts, that you are going to have to be strong and stand up to OH's wheedling to borrow your money. Anyway - its not so much the constant mini-borrowing that I would find problematic - but that larger sum he still owes you from way back when! Could you make any sort of arrangement for him to repay you regular installments on this till you have it back (say £10 a week - I cant imagine he would miss that - and you would get back £520 pa of it).

wannasavemoney

Hi Jenna, how about sitting him down and going through all the outgoings, both his and yours and once all the money for essentials is accounted for, whatever is left have a set agreement between you both for paying off outstanding debts both yours and his. Maybe this will mean him giving you x amount when he gets paid and if you wanted to you could factor in an extre bit to give him back at the end of the month when it gets a bit tight (then it won't be your money hes spending then). If he has no outstanding debts and they are all in your name then you should both be paying these off not just you. I don't mean to be harsh but maybe that will let him see that there is still some to pay off before being able to afford a new sofa and at this stage you can then mention the fact that in order to pay off these debts you cannot afford to be lending him any money in the meantime? The sofa will still be there in a few months and if you take in cash then you could maybe negotiate an even better deal. Hope this helps.

lynzpower

If you NEED a sofa as your current one is injuring you, why not try and get one off ebay?

Ive seen leather moden 3 pieces go for 100 quid, then you just have to get a man with van for less that 50 quid ( if you cant find a freind to do it ) and youve saved 500 quid plus.

Alternatively - use freecycle, people are always giving away 2nd hand 3 pieces too.

I would say the only thing you can do to invoke change is stop.

Get him to make a direct debit or standing order to your cards on payday for the money he owes you back. Do not lend any more.

He has a problem with budgeting, why should it effect you?

Once you start nailing it down, and setting boundaries about what is and isnt acceptable, he will learn he cannot take the you-know-what.

Somerset

Hi Jenna

It'll never change - you have different attitudes. And I'm saying this because me and my O/H are exactly the same. He's '' if I have it I'll spend it '' & '' Life is for living ''. Me I'm a saver and don't like to be wasteful. He like your O/H has bad credit and would think it ok for me to take out credit for him or us on the basis he'll pay it back - but I don't think he would - nothing deliberate but he'd ' run out '. There's nothing malicious there, it's just over-optimism all the time. I'm aware of O/H's personality and WILL NOT get sucked in. But it does bother me that he's like this. This difference in outlook can be a relationship breaker. It can work but it's not ideal.

duchy

If he thinks you "need" a new sofa and to you it's a "want" but not a need then say no. Tell him if HE wants it to get it on HIS credit but you're not prepared to as your job isn't secure and you'll only take out credit if you are 101% sure you can pay it back out of your own money and it's a point of personal pride.
I think it's too easy to become an extension of a "spenders" personal finances when you are a "saver". and the earlier in a relationship you establish those limits of what you are prepared to do and not do the better as it's harder to change an established pattern later on. As Somerset says you can't change him -all you can do is try and make it work for you without making compromises that make you feel uncomfortable financially.

Jenna

Hi,

Thank you soooo much for the replies, it means lots to know that there are people out there who care!!! I did try and talk to him this morning, I said I wasn't comfy with us taking out more credit when we still both already owe money, I was about to say that it doesn't matter if he can afford the re-payments on the couch it's money he could be paying back to me and it'll just be one more reason for me not getting the money paid back, when the phone rang.

Apparently his Mum has been having chest pains and has gone to hospital, OH and his brother have gone up there, so I'm sitting here just thinking and waiting. I know I didn't want to go sofa shopping but I didn't want this either!!!!!!!! I feel so sick and worried about her.

The worst thing is he still owes her money too, so I don't know how I can even think of asking for money back as she should really be his priority, both his parents are retired and lovely but quite skint, and as they're both quite elderly (I feel really bad saying this but I have to be honest) he should pay them back whilst he still can. I feel so awful saying that and I love them both to bits but I have to be realistic about it surely?!! I don't want to upset him by saying that but surely he'd feel worse if he didn't pay them back??

tealady ~ We already pay an equal share of all the bills eg rent, council tax etc so that's not too bad, he's lots better about budgeting since we've moved in together and (after a year of me nagging at him lol!!) he's now signed up to the MSE email as well which is progress because he was talking about us trying to renew with a cheaper leccy company the other day!! I nearly died of shock!! :rotfl:

somerset ~ Yes exactly, he doesn't do it on purpose, it's just over-optimistic!! Trouble is I don't know how to refuse him when technically I have the money just sitting there in my bank acc??! His catchphrase might as well be ''But you know you'll get it back'' and the trouble is he honestly means it each time so I believe him when he says it. And I always do get it back. Eventually.

Trouble is the money he spends is (as he terms it) on 'us' e.g. if he buys a takeaway pizza or a quick drink down the pub at the end of the week and any big amounts of money he gets he spends on items for the household that we need. And so he wants me to loan him a tenner here or there, sometimes more, so he can pay for it initially, but then I get it back later. And then I feel guilty for not being able to afford to treat 'us' in the same way!!! His reason for borrowing it off me seems to always be ''But it's not like it's just for me, is it?'' and he accuses me of being uptight with money and says I'm ''Always worrying about money''.

I've done my SOA, well a basic one anyway, and used the snowballing website to work out a re-payment plan. If I stick to it, that would put my DFD at the 31st December 2008!!! So that's 16 months. Which is a long time but maybe I can make it shorter if I work at it.

I offered to do the same thing for him, a couple of times in fact, but he just laughs it off and says it's too organised for him, spreadsheets might work for me but he's got a budget which is just fine for him. Which would be fine with me, if he didn't owe me a penny that is!!!! :mad:

duchy ~ that's not a bad idea you know, at least if it was on his credit then I couldn't get stuck footing the bill if he did a runner!! (not that I think he will but you see what I mean). That way I can pay off all my existing debt first for definite and then just give him it ''When I have it, you know you'll get it back eventually'' - lets see how he feels when the boot's on the other foot!!!! :rolleyes:

I'm a real ''people pleaser'', I often just agree for a quiet life and I get argued out of my own point of view all the time, I don't like conflict and find arguments difficult as I get tangled up in my own words. I'm okay writing things down because I have time to think but not really face-to-face.

So how do I say no??? Anyone???

natters_2

I used to always cave in to my OH for the sake of a quiet life - and was always the one that ended up with the debts in my name. When I met him I owed hardly anything at all - 18 years down the line and we are in debt to the tune of 69K, about 90% in my name and now defaults on everything and not much chance of clearing it within the next 10 years or so.

So for the sake of a quiet life I ended up very unhappy, not knowing which way to turn next and shedloads of debts and I still have a partner that likes to spend like money is going out of fashion. saying no now will save you so much more worry further down the line. (also finding MSE was a real lifesaver!)

supersavershal

Hi Jemma I have the same problem as you.My OH doesnt borrow money but he spends it on stupid things.He is 35 and buys starwars figures and light sabers.He overspends on christmas and birthdays and if we go on a day out he insists on eating in cafes and restaurants.He laughs if I take a packed lunch, ridicules me for being on this site.He thinks its a joke if I read Martins 2 books.He refuses to mealplan and moans if I pay more than the minimum payment on cc.We arnt short of money we are both well paid.He says his problem is because as a child his family were very poor and he couldnt always have the toys and treats he wanted.Christmas is ridiculas in our house, as we also have 2 children.I dont know what to do with him.Im laughing at the moment but it isnt reallly funny.

madmoney_2

supersavershal are we going out with the same bloke?!? I know ezactly what you mean, altho my oh has borrowed - 1500 for an overdraft which i have asked him to get rid of ie go into the bank and ask them to reduce it by 100 quid a month n see how much we can get it down by ourselves but he just wont!!!!