Overbearing MIL or am I being unreasonable

Lovetobake

Hi all

I'm just wondering what other people think about this as I have read all the advice given over the years!


My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and we are both in our mid-thirties.


It's his birthday coming up soon and we were going to spend the day together and his family were going to come and visit at the weekend a few days before his birthday.


He has since decided he needs to work on his birthday so we will go out in the evening. This is all fine by me as he runs his own business so I'm for him to do what he needs to do.
His mother (lives in another town) and her partner were set to come down at the weekend but then she called a few times to say that she was really upset that she wouldn't get to see him on his actual birthday. I'm talking crying down the phone and saying how her relationship with him is the most important one she has and how she expects to spend his birthday with him.

When he said that not everyone does this, she said everyone she knows does.

So now she is coming down on his birthday to see him for an hour or so in his workplace (his own premises).

I am pretty angry about this as it means we can never make plans just the 2 of us.

He did say a few days ago that his ideal birthday would be just me and him spending the day together.

This happened last year too when he felt obliged to say yes to them coming down. They came down at lunchtime but when his mum called and we were on our way to breakfast in a local cafe, she sounded upset that we were doing that and said "I thought we would eat when we arrived"

Well, we did need to eat breakfast!

I am annoyed because last year he said he would make it clear that it's up to him to decide what he wants to do but after hearing his mother crying down the phone, he has said yes to her coming down because "it's what she really wants".

She is quite an emotional person and he worries about her being fragile.

My question is, is this normal for a 35 year old man? And should we creep around so we don't upset her or are we just enabling this behaviour?

Thanks in advance

Rambosmum

No it's not normal.

chella

My partners mother is the same, he is a complete mummys boy also!!


we had arguments because he had o go blow out his cake and candles at hers and open his gifts there(apparently its as much her special day as it is his?????????) !!!!!!! I find it pathetic, but then my parents raised me to be independent so maybe I think differently.

Lovetobake

Thanks both. I never know if I am being too harsh or not.

Chella, do you put up with it still or has it changed?

KRB2725

In my opinion it is not normal for a 35 year old man. Certainly not any I know!

She is being manipulative and thinking about what she wants, not what her son wants.

sweetilemon

Omg what a nightmare!! How inconsiderate can you be (the MIL not you). Surely she must realise he's grown up and got a life! ! Ugh, I really don't have any other suggestions other than have a good evening. It's really up to him if he thinks his mum coming to his workplace is acceptable.

chella

we have been together less time than you but on the whole it is ok. Just around birthdays and Christmas it gets ridiculous, so I let them get on with it.


I think he feels torn sometimes about which woman he needs to be with(if that makes sense) if he cant man the hell up and choose his girlfriend then so be it.


one day I might buggar off!


he really has been babied all his life, living at home well into his 30s(ALWAYS a warning sign in itself!!!!!!)


my parents raised me to grow up get out there and grab life. I speak with my family but we rarely see each other on actual birthdays due to work etc. For my partner and his family it is apparently a mahooooosive deal. I don't get it.

Ariel82

She sounds like a right pain in the a##! I don't get along with my mother in law at all, she used to be extremely possessive too. Stand up to her. Make it clear. It's normal for a son to give into his crying mother, we've all suffered from parent guilt at some point im sure, but don't keep enabling her it just gives her power.
Personally karma sorted mine out when she identity thefted her son and now we have nothing to do with her! She made her bed, now she's lying in it. However karma can take some time, so yes, stand up to her.

theoretica

Sounds like you and he could decree a different day to be 'his' day if his mother really wants the day she gave birth as hers.

LilElvis

I once wasted a shed load of annual leave and several thousand pounds, just so that my ex's parents could share a c##p Christmas dinner with their 30+ baby boy.

At least I didn't have to put up with "waterworks", just tepid, tasteless turkey and lumpy gravy.

Sadly you will probably just have to suck it up at this stage. Next year make a plan and go away so that you can enjoy yourselves in peace.

Perhaps book the MIL some sort of therapy for her Christmas present - or accept that she is totally irrational on an emotional level.

Lovetobake

chella wrote: »

we have been together less time than you but on the whole it is ok. Just around birthdays and Christmas it gets ridiculous, so I let them get on with it.


I think he feels torn sometimes about which woman he needs to be with(if that makes sense) if he cant man the hell up and choose his girlfriend then so be it.


one day I might buggar off!


he really has been babied all his life, living at home well into his 30s(ALWAYS a warning sign in itself!!!!!!)


my parents raised me to grow up get out there and grab life. I speak with my family but we rarely see each other on actual birthdays due to work etc. For my partner and his family it is apparently a mahooooosive deal. I don't get it.

I know what you mean! She wanted to meet up with him last week to talk about his birthday and Christmas "to make sure we're on the same page"!

Grrr, it's so frustrating