Helping elderly parents

Bagpuss2711

Thank you all, you have been brilliant. I feel comfortable about doing this now and I promise I will discuss first with my brother before I do anything else. Thanks again xx

lisyloo

Would it be worth considering downsizing?

The pros of a smaller place are
- lower upkeep bills
- lower utility bills
- less cleaning
- less upkeep
- easier to get round as mobility declines
- cheaper to upgrade when stairlift/shower required
- company in sheltered accomodation
- security of a warden

Our parents downsized in their mid-70s and it was a good move for them.
They spent some of the money on holidays.
Some of it on furniture so they can have a nice home.
They have company and a warden.
Because they live in a flat the communal areas & building are kept up for them (obviously theres a service charge).

Have your parents got all the benefits they are entitled to?
Would they qualify for attendance allowances? pension credit? etc.

Bagpuss2711

Hi, they have lived in this bungalow for about 30 years now and it's a reasonable size for them, does the job but now they are older probably a bit too big, but not much. I think when they bought it there wasn't much around in the way of retirement homes like you get now and frankly they are both as stubborn as mules. I've suggested in the past about moving to no avail. I think what your parents have done is very sensible, I truly wish they had sold and used some of the money to have a nice time. I honestly get the feeling that they are too old now to either move and certainly too old to enjoy some of the equity out of the house. I know me and my brother are going to have a nightmare sorting it all out when the time comes. My mum is a cantankerous old woman and my dad has the onset of dementia so all in all they make a right pair.

They do get benefits but not attendance allowance. I've checked that out from your suggestion but I don't think just yet they would be entitled to it, but maybe not that far away.

I'm going to speak to my brother and get his opinion. He certainly is not in a position to help financially but can help more than me as he lives just a few streets away, which I don't.

Knowing my mum I'll come up with all of this to help and she'll just say no! Think there's massive lesson in all of this, be realistic, it will happen to you getting old and be more like your parents, face the enevitable, spend some of your money yourself when you can, have those holidays and new furniture, but save some to help yourself as you get into the latter part of your life. I know I've learnt from them, even though it is a sorry lesson.

Poppy9

We had an elderly aunt who wouldn't move but eventually persuaded her too. Her and her DD had been estranged for over 20 years.


We sold her house and found her rented sheltered accommodation. Her bed, furniture etc. had all seen better days and she had money in the bank so new bed, new cooker, curtains etc and my cousins decorated throughout for her. She was really pleased with it even though it was small.


Then her DD came along and said we had been trying to steal her money. Luckily we had all the bills, bank statements etc. for money in her account, money spent etc. The money from the sale of her home would be more than sufficient to pay her rent for life (she was early 80s I think going into sheltered and had suffered 2 falls in her house).


Short story she made accusations against my sister and we all ceased contact with her including my other cousins who apparently had also been accused of robbing her. Her DD took all her money apparently and then a couple of years later she's in a home. She might have passed away now.


Very sad as we felt an obligation to look after her in old age as she was my late mother's sibling and her and her husband were so long estranged from their DD and in need. Thankfully we were meticulous in our record keeping of larger spend, we never had money back off her for food shops!

lessonlearned

Bagpuss2711 wrote: »

Hi, they have lived in this bungalow for about 30 years now and it's a reasonable size for them, does the job but now they are older probably a bit too big, but not much. I think when they bought it there wasn't much around in the way of retirement homes like you get now and frankly they are both as stubborn as mules. I've suggested in the past about moving to no avail. I think what your parents have done is very sensible, I truly wish they had sold and used some of the money to have a nice time. I honestly get the feeling that they are too old now to either move and certainly too old to enjoy some of the equity out of the house. I know me and my brother are going to have a nightmare sorting it all out when the time comes. My mum is a cantankerous old woman and my dad has the onset of dementia so all in all they make a right pair.

They do get benefits but not attendance allowance. I've checked that out from your suggestion but I don't think just yet they would be entitled to it, but maybe not that far away.

I'm going to speak to my brother and get his opinion. He certainly is not in a position to help financially but can help more than me as he lives just a few streets away, which I don't.

Knowing my mum I'll come up with all of this to help and she'll just say no! Think there's massive lesson in all of this, be realistic, it will happen to you getting old and be more like your parents, face the enevitable, spend some of your money yourself when you can, have those holidays and new furniture, but save some to help yourself as you get into the latter part of your life. I know I've learnt from them, even though it is a sorry lesson.

Can I make a suggestion.....it might be time to contact social services and your parents GP.

Seriously there is help Out there for them, it's just knowing how to access it. i am sure your father will be entitled to some help. You need to get them assessed by Social Services. Then arrange for a welfare officer to do a benefits check. SS should set this up for you.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised by just how much they can do for your parents. The focus now is on helping people to stay in their own homes for as long as possible rather than going into care.

The help might be financial, it might be equipment, it might even be modifying their home.

I think your father may well be entitled to AA. If it is awarded at medium or high levels then your mother will,also receive carers allowance. This would be a huge help,to them.

One other thing, you mention wills. Have they also done POAs. This will have to be done before your father's dementia takes hold.

lisyloo

Yep when you get benefits there is a cascade effect.
Our parents both qualified for attendance, but that meant they got council tax benefit and higher rates of pension credit and a "warm front" Grant for electricity.

Bagpuss2711

You know what, I think a family conference is called for. These suggestions and advice are great and as long as they go for it (and mum isn't too stubborn) what have I or they got to loose? I can't tell you how helpful I have found all this, everyone chipping in with their advice and kindness. Right, just need to catch my mum in a good mood now .......!

Bagpuss2711

That's terrible, I really feel for you. After helping her like that and then you get accused so. I'd be furious if I'd been in your position. At least you can say you did what you did for the right reasons and can hold your head up high. Good for you xx

margaretclare

Bagpuss2711 wrote: »

I looked and looked before I posted this but couldn't find anything.

Here's our experience of equity release - DH's and mine.

We did it in 2003 solely for the purpose of paying off the existing mortgage. We saw no sense in going on paying a mortgage which would have been paid off when we're 83, just in time to die and leave it to someone else! Actually, we're both 80 now, so was it a good move...or not.

Actually I think we were lucky. The interest rate payable was pegged to the BoE rate, and as this has stayed historically so low for so long, it hasn't rolled up at anything like the rate we were warned about by the doom-mongers.

Not having a mortgage to pay every month has freed up approx £260 a month which we've been able to use for other things. 2005, the roof needed completely replacing - cheap old asbestos tiles from the 1930s. And so on.

Another thing that influenced our thinking was when my younger daughter died at the end of 2002. In November that year I'd said to her, as we walked down the garden 'This will all be yours one day'. I'll never forget her squeezing my hand and saying 'I hope not for a very long time'. The next time I saw her she was in her coffin.

No one else wants/needs/deserves a legacy, although the plan is for our estate to be split between 50% to my eldest GD and 25% each to DH's son and daughter. Last time my SD, his daughter, was here, she was adamant that 'you are not going anywhere, not leaving, not for a long time yet' which was similar to what my daughter had said.

As for downsizing, there's nowhere we can downsize to from a 1930s modernised 2-bed bungalow. Everything is done to make it as user-friendly and convenient as possible. Nothing else needs to be done at all.

We each get AA but no extras on top of that because we fall well outside the pension credit level. We're OK though. DH uses his AA to pay for our car. We'd be really stuck without the car.