Compulsive liar - how best to respond?

bacono

It's an incredibly difficult situation. In my experience with someone who did this, I effectively ignored them when I knew they were lying to me (giving them very minimal responses in conversation; "uh huh", "ok" etc) rather then encouraging them, and it did seem to reduce it over time. Maybe they weren't getting what they wanted from their lying. Playing along with their lies is enabling an unhealthy situation.


Generally I feel sympathetic to compulsive liars, it must be stressful to keep all the plates spinning and remembering the lies over time.

elljay

Thanks all. I agree, trying to remember who you've told what to must be stressful, surely it's much easier to tell the truth!

I've been practising ignoring and saying yes and no in the right places and changing the subject, not giving her any oxygen to build on the lies. I found that by keeping moving minimises the opportunity - as soon as we sit down for a chat the stories grow. It's hard though, this weekend, just in passing really, she mentioned she has a septic tank and a well in the garden for water. I couldn't help exclaiming 'surely not'. She lives in a small modern block of flats in a built up established urban area, so seriously unlikely. She also told me how much her water bill is and about her water meter, I live in a remote area with a septic tank, but even here there's mains water.

Why oh why - she just seems to need to be a bit different to everyone else - what's wrong with normal?! Whatever that is.

jenniewb

elljay wrote: »

Thanks all. I agree, trying to remember who you've told what to must be stressful, surely it's much easier to tell the truth!

I've been practising ignoring and saying yes and no in the right places and changing the subject, not giving her any oxygen to build on the lies. I found that by keeping moving minimises the opportunity - as soon as we sit down for a chat the stories grow. It's hard though, this weekend, just in passing really, she mentioned she has a septic tank and a well in the garden for water. I couldn't help exclaiming 'surely not'. She lives in a small modern block of flats in a built up established urban area, so seriously unlikely. She also told me how much her water bill is and about her water meter, I live in a remote area with a septic tank, but even here there's mains water.

Why oh why - she just seems to need to be a bit different to everyone else - what's wrong with normal?! Whatever that is.

I take my hat off to you trying to play along- make sure you are able to do this without too much effort because as much as she seems happy as Larry to lie her way along, it's up to you if you want to play along. You can walk away at any time (and if you can't; that's another problem that needs help- bullying is not the same as making up many lies!).


Without wanting to sound harsh or negative (not my aim here) I would say that if it's upsetting you and you are irritated by it or exhausted by it, walk away.
If you are finding it hard to walk away the only person you can blame on that is yourself because she has her own problem; it's not your problem, it's her problem and at the end of the day if she doesn't want to change that's up to her but at the moment from where she is standing with you, there are few effects to her lies when she is with you so she has no reason to change what she is doing.

It's going to feel difficult to change the habit of a lifetime and even harder to accept there is a problem and the buck stops with her and if there is no reason for her to do this, no impact on her life that she can recognise, she isn't going to.