Compulsive liar - how best to respond?

elljay

Someone I know is a shocking liar. Sometimes the stories she tells are huge, like deaths, terminal illness in herself or another etc (illness seems to come into it a lot) and sometimes just little seemingly insignificant things. Like saying she saw someone in town who told her this or that when I know for a fact she didn't go to town, or see this person.

I really don't know how best to respond when she says these things. Sometimes I virtually ignore the untruths, at other times I call her bluff (for example saying that can't be right as I know that person's away etc) - she then gets upset and defensive. When at times I've shown great concern, especially when she or another has some new illness, she then just grows and grows the story.

Unfortunately I can't escape spending time with her so what's the best way of responding to this? It's definitely a mental health issue I'm sure - she's in her mid 60s so not an attention seeking child. (Or is she?)

Thanks

asajj

I don't think there is a better way than ignoring or saying something like "i can't really believe that". Compulsive lying disorder is indeed a mental health issue but you can't do anything unless she is willing to seek help and she doesn't look like she wants help/

Difficult indeed for you

Hermia

I think changing the subject is the only thing to do really. I have known two compulsive liars in my life (one would even claim she had been on a date with celebrities!) and they don't stop if you confront them. I would just not answer them when they were obviously lying and start talking about something else.

teddysmum

I once had a work colleague (a secondary school teacher) who told lie upon lie, so the children referred to him as Jackanory.


One story, I remember was that he had flown a Tiger Moth under Tower Bridge, but eventually his lies cost him his job (though I don't know how he got it in the first place), as far from having the PhD he claimed, he didn't even have a degree.

Armchair23

I can't really offer any advice, but I found it very difficult with a friend of mine who would say things that I simply knew were untrue.
I'd known her 20 years and the fact that I knew the things she were saying were a complete fabrication made absolutely no difference to her.
Marriages and babies that simply didn't exist were the least of it.
It makes you question your own sanity at times....

Timpu

I offer no response to such dreamers. Give the lady your polite attention but don't indulge the fantasy. Let her say her piece and be done with it, end the story right there.

She has her own reasons for doing what she's doing. Confronting her as you have done clearly hasn't changed the behaviour. It sounds like ignoring didn't work per say but doing so consistently may prompt her to adjust her attitude towards you.

jenniewb

As you've already decided/worked out that this is a mental health problem, it then needs next for the person themselves first to realise the same and then second to want to change things and third, to ask for help if they have decided they cannot change by themselves or are stuck.


It sounds like the person with the issue is not yet at the point where they even recognise they have a problem, let alone that it could be a mental health condition which would be possible to treat (and please check this because in some cases the treatment available may not be suitable or even available much less, available in the area the person lives or even specialised enough). IMO poor treatment for any condition is as bad as no treatment if not worse as it can put someone off trying again and make it even harder for them to feel hopeful about the future. So if you really want to help, first try to work out what would be available should you be able to help this person recognise they have a problem.


I have a family member now in their 70s who has a very obvious mental health condition. (Or conditions)I worked it out a long time ago, the rest of my family are hesitantly beginning to see this too (they had just assumed he was an eccentric person, an angry person or just odd). Even with their seeing things the way I have, it is just not possible to get this family member to see they have any sort of a problem (apparently the rest of the world is at fault...) Despite this, it's not something I can just let go so I know how you feel, it's difficult because I see this person getting old and I see their disordered behaviours becoming now quite dangerous as they age, old age is no party as it is; generally people find things physically harder with age anyway without the person making it harder for themselves due to a bunch of mental health behaviours which not only make life more difficult but put someone's health at risk.


But just to pre-warn and arm yourself with the saying "you can take a camel to water, but you cannot make it drink". It speaks volumes when it comes to someone with a problem who cannot or will not see what everyone else can see...

elljay

Thank you so much for such thoughtful responses, all have given me food for thought. I agree, I don't think she thinks she needs help, in fact, I'm pretty certain she believes most of it anyway even though it all changes the next week. You need a pretty fantastic memory to be able to carry it off!

Unless she really comes out that she needs help there's probably nothing along that line I can do. I will continue to use a mixture of ignoring, subject changing and trying to convince her that the things I know are true about her are valuable, so maybe she doesn't have to use lies to big herself up.

Thanks again

jenniewb

elljay wrote: »

Thank you so much for such thoughtful responses, all have given me food for thought. I agree, I don't think she thinks she needs help, in fact, I'm pretty certain she believes most of it anyway even though it all changes the next week. You need a pretty fantastic memory to be able to carry it off!

Unless she really comes out that she needs help there's probably nothing along that line I can do. I will continue to use a mixture of ignoring, subject changing and trying to convince her that the things I know are true about her are valuable, so maybe she doesn't have to use lies to big herself up.

Thanks again

There are two things you could do (and what I've tried with my family member). Remember that the reason for doing either of these is to protect or look after yourself. With mental health conditions they don't just affect the person with the disorder, they also affect the people around the person even if unwittingly.


Make sure that you take care of your own health (mental as well as physical), the person with the disorder in most cases does not want to cause you any pain or issue in the vast majority of cases and telling them they are exhausting you or running you down will in many cases cause them extra stress and to cope with this they will often retreat further into themselves and it will be harder for them to take steps to help themselves and will often only recover for others which then builds a co-dependent relationship and a relationship where once everyone has gone, the person cannot find it in themselves to carry on recovering because they don't feel they are worth it, because they never even worked out why they wanted to recover for themselves, because they only ever wanted to recover for others and once others have gone it's as if all motivation has gone. So whilst it's important to look after yourself, make it clear with yourself you choose to do that for yourself, not because someone else has exhausted you!


What you can do with the person is to collect information to point out the issue they have is a recognised problem AND that there is help out there- they are not alone.


You can leave them with this information- leaflets and website links can work here as they are often a wealth of information with further links and info for the person to look out to and reach out to when/if they feel able to. It's not easy for anyone to accept they have a problem in public and then begin to ask for help.


Next you need to make it clear where the boundaries are in your friendship. What is and what is not OK. Of course it's not going to be possible to say "no lies ever" but you can make it clear that there are certain things you cannot or will not tolerate or that will make it hard for you to be close and will mean you need to take time for yourself- not as a form of punishment, but because there are things she does that will have an effect on you that you find it hard to cope with and as a result you will need to take time away from the relationship for yourself. (Again make it clear it's not about punishment or anger but because you are looking out for yourself and you know where your limits are).


Being in a relationship with anyone even without added health issues comes with it's own problems and just like many other health conditions, mental health is no different; no one asks for a mental health condition just like no one asks for a broken leg. It's just something we get given! It's not about blame or anyone's fault. But. It is helpful to make it clear where the limits are not to create a distance but because you value that friendship or relationship that much that you want to make it last longer and that you want to help where you can.


The words may not go in first time and you may need to make countless reminders as time goes on and explain things as you go along even though you have explained them previously (especially in the heat of an argument!) but it is a clear and open way to work a friendship which IME is a better way of getting to a point of no return.

pmduk

It's most difficult to deal with when the individual actually believes the lies they are telling. I understand it's called mythomania.

Armchair23

You've had some great replies but I can just fill in how my thing went.

Initially I tried to correct the things my friend said that completely didn't square with my experience. She just ignored me completely, or did a bit of wiffle waffle over dates times etc.,

Confronting her with physical evidence that was she was saying made no difference. You say you were climbing the Himalayas on X I say this is a picture of you at my birthday party on X. It just got ignored.

My friend had a history of depression but this just was so way out there.

I then started to ignore it and not engage in the stories she constructed. That's roughly when she dumped me as a friend.

I really had been a supportive friend when she was having troubles but this just went way out of what I could deal with.

I was really sorry to lose her as a friend, but I felt I was a resource she used rather than a person she loved.

Sad all ways rond really.