An adult child who doesn`t stay in touch

[Deleted User]

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missile

It will be hard, but you may have to accept your daughter is happy with her life and simply does not want to be in touch with you?

[Deleted User]

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not relevant at all

lessonlearned

First of all Kittie - I am sorry to hear how you are feeling about your daughter, but I don't think you should "take the blame" as it were.

Don't torture yourself.

She does sound like she might be struggling from what I call "middle child syndrome". I have known one or two, my late husbands best friend was one and he exhibited many if the same traits and characteristics you describe in your daughter. In his case he is now on his fourth wife - at least your daughter has manged to sustain Her marriage.......Or do you think they could be problems there........

I think the problem is that middle children often struggle to form their own identity or sense of self. They often compare themselves unfavourably to their siblings - the high achieving "sensible" older brother or sister and the younger easy going laid back "baby of the family".

Middle ones often struggle to find their place.

The "building a wall" suggests she is very sensitive and finds a need to protect herself from the outside world. Her preference for the company of animals suggests that she finds them easier than dealing with humans......

I don't think its necessarily that she wants to shun you - I think it's perhaps that, in general, she finds relationships problematical.

Try not to take it to heart - i think you just have to accept the fact that you might not be able to have a really "close" relationship with your daughter, she is just one if those people that needs her own space.

She is 42, stressed at work, a mother and a busy person. She is still at an age when life is really full on, lots of commitments, work and money worries etc.

Perhaps when she is a little older, when her finanaces improve and her life is less frenetic she might be more relaxed and less "prickly". She may, in time, come to "find herself" and be more at peace with the world. Perhaps then She will be ready for her relationship with you to be closer.

In the meantime maybe you could ease off on the phone calls.

Can you text or use messenger. You could just send her a friendly text or message. Don't ask questions or say anything that needs a reply but just something to say "hello" - perhaps a link to something funny on You tube or a little joke or funny story in the press now and then - that kind of thing.

When you do get round to seeing each other always make sure that she knows you adore her and that she will always be "your beautiful girl".

Really all she needs to know is that you love her and will always be there for her.

My mother was a wise old bird. As you know I have two boys who I love to pieces and I have had to will myself not to be too clingy and possessive. My mum once gave me this piece of valuable advice. She said "our children are not ours to keep, we only get to borrow them for a while".

such wise words.....

We have to let our children go with good grace so that they can fly. If we have done a good job they will fly away for good but they will come back for the odd visit.

Don't pressure her - sounds like she has a lot of pressure in her life right now. Be patient - She will come back to you when she's ready.

duchy

I do think the previous post has a point with middle child syndrome and perhaps you are not helping with "why aren't you more like your sister?" Well she's not her sister-she's an entirely different personality. She has a full and busy life and possibly feels that when you contact her you expect her to respond straight away -and perhaps that feels like a form of pressure or expectation ?

Maybe instead of leaving voice mails or emails that say "I'm waiting to hear from you" leave keeping in contact messages that don't have that expectation to them. After all you know it isn't just you - she didn't respond to her Dad either - You might be creating more pressure with expectation. She isn't your younger daughter- she's an entirely different personality - and even an implication of "why can't you be more like your sister?" probably doesn't encourage her to rush to ring you back.

Give her space and time and with less pressure things might improve.

lessonlearned

Re your granddaughter having a dummy till she was 7.

Don't read anything into that, it's no,big deal.

I wasn't allowed a dummy, my dad was dead set against them. So I sucked my thumb instead......:rotfl:

I did it until I was 11. They did everything to try and stop me and break the habit but to no avail. Then one day i just stopped, when i was good and ready.

As for helicopter parenting - it does seem far more prevalent these days - partly because parents are less confident in their own parenting skills but also because there is so much pressure on children now. The news is so full of horror stories that many parents are terrified of letting their children out of their sight.

If you only have one child then I would imagine it's inevitable that you become a helicopter parent. I see this with my sister and BIL and their daughter.

I have to say I feel sorry for children today, they might have plenty of material goods, toys etc but they are missing out on the freedoms that we took for granted as children.

Many of them are little better than prisoners - like birds in a gilded cage.

[Deleted User]

I don`t think I should have started this thread. It came across all wrong. She and I have been in deep contact today and to surmise, she is still in deep grief for her dad, she hasn`t been able to let go, only she never got in touch as she felt that I as the widow had enough to cope with. I have been able to help her loads this morning and we are going on sunday to have our own `letting go` ceremony for her

I am going to delete my first post and let the thread die. The answers coming back, from some, were not at all helpful, just critical from people who have not walked in my shoes

duchy

If starting this thread gave you the push you needed to contact your daughter and get stuff out in the open - then it's all good.

Pollycat

kittie wrote: »

I don`t think I should have started this thread. It came across all wrong. She and I have been in deep contact today and to surmise, she is still in deep grief for her dad, she hasn`t been able to let go, only she never got in touch as she felt that I as the widow had enough to cope with. I have been able to help her loads this morning and we are going on sunday to have our own `letting go` ceremony for her

I am going to delete my first post and let the thread die. The answers coming back, from some, were not at all helpful, just critical from people who have not walked in my shoes

I'm glad you appear to have moved forward in your relationship with your daughter.

However, I'm sorry that you think my posts were critical.
Of course nobody has walked in your shoes - but then again you haven't walked in anybody else's shoes.
When you ask for people's advice/opinions on a pubic forum, you can't choose the replies you get.
I replied based on the information you supplied and my own experiences.
Nevertheless, I'm going to delete my 2 earlier posts.

lessonlearned

Kittie - so glad you and your daughter have talked today.....bless her heart - she didnt want to burden you.

Enjoy your time together on Sunday, shed a few tears together - it will help both of you.

What my sister calls "a Golden Pond" moment.......

lessonlearned

Kittie - if it's any consolation - in my family I am known as the prickly one, the one who erected a wall to keep the world at bay.

My sister understands as did my mum and my husband - they "got it".

It's just a self preservation thing.

My youngest son is the same, very prickly but soft as grease underneath and with a heart of gold.

One of his fish has been poorly for days and he has been trying to,nurse it back to health.......not exactly easy with a fish.....but you know what I mean - isolation tank, water changes, special stuff in the water.

This morning the fish was dead, and DS was a bit subdued.

The reason......?? . The fish had belonged to his dad.......so not just any old fish. It was one of a pair - George & Mildred - we bought for OH when he was in the nursing home, so it has special significance.

My son is 29 and 6'3" and is still soft enough to transpose his love and affection for his dead father on to one of his dad's fish.....

Fortunately George seems to be thriving.......