What to do????

p1nk18

Hi All,
I have recently faced facts and realise that I am 23k in debt. I currently work full time and live with my husband and 2year old son. My husband and I were both made redundant around similar times and he was out of work for a year. I guess my debt has built up slowly over the past four years since we moved into our house. I haven't told my husband about the debt. He knows that I owe money on credit cards and vice versa from when we were both out of work etc, but he has no idea how much. I have no idea how it got this bad as I dont seem to have anything that can show for 23,000!!! I dont know what to do. I feel scared that I am going to be paying this off for the next 4 years! How can I expain my lack of cash to him? I know I have to tell him but I dont know how? I know he will be supportive and he will help me pay it off but I dont want him to be diaspointed in me.

bsms1147

Be honest with him. For all you know he also has £23,000 of debt on credit cards.

Know where you stand as a couple and then work on it together.

LJB290

I'm sure he won't be disappointed in you - especially now you've had that realisation.

He may have built up some funds himself to help out.
It may be worth sharing all information between your from now on so that you can both keep an eye on the situation: a problem shared is a problem halved (so they say) and at least the stress wont be completely on your shoulders and you can find a way to get organised together.

p1nk18

thank you for your replies. I know I need to face facts. I find the whole situation that I find myself in so overwhelming. Before I used to wake up in the middle of the night because he wasn't working and now I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this debt. I am so upset with myself too. 23,000 is sooo much money! I could have put that to such a good use (new bathroom, new carpet etc etc) how do I stop myself from doing that and just take it on the chin and get on with it?

Sorry I am new to this board and just starting out here.

Any advice on how you have told partners about debt?

crazy_cat_lady

Don't beat yourself up about it - lots of us have spent lots of money with very little to show for it... You're doing the right thing now looking into how you can deal with it.
I can't offer advice on telling your partner as mine has always known - but there are people on here that will help.
First thing you need though is a spending diary - so you can see where every penny is going, and a budget - so you can look at areas to cut back. There is a link in the stickies to produce a SOA.

p1nk18

OK, my SOA is below:

Salary £2,600

Childcare £1,462.50
Contact lenses £33
Mobile Phone £55 - contract expire 30/9, will change to pay as you go as don't use it.
Cleaner £160
Total £1,710.50

I have left over £889

At the moment my husband is paying all the household bills, car insurance etc etc which totals around £4,500 per month. I THINK he is happy with this arrangement, again I do not know. He doesn't complain if so.

I am trying to pay as much off as possible before I fess up!

richwannabe

I get my contact lenses online ..only £12.49 month including postage , do my own cleaning and £10 top up on my phone lasts me a month , so as you can see a lot of money can be saved. Hope all goes well, be honest with your other half , he will support you Im sure xxx

Worried-mum

Hi! I can't offer any debt advice as i'm currently starting out like you are on my debt free journey. But, i can give you some support on your situation with your husband.
I too had debts that i had hidden from my partner (14k) and he had absolutely no idea.
I made myself ill with worry, and the thought of how mad he was going to be with me when he found out. In reality in wasn't nearly as bad as i imagined in my head!
He agreed i'd been silly not telling him sooner, and he was more hurt than anything that i hadn't felt like i could tell him.
He is still here, and we're sorting it out together, so as scary as it seems just tell him!
If your situation is anything like mine, the money didn't go on fancy clothes or holidays, it was food, bills and things for the kids! So although it is your debt, it's been spent on both of you.
Good luck with telling him and i'm sure you'll feel so much better when it's out in the open, then you can start to deal with it x

andyfromotley

Hi Pink,

That won't work as an SOA (and may indicate where some of the problem is) You say that you have £889 cpm remaining.

Does your husband pay for

Christmas? Holidays? Holiday spending money? New Clothes for you? For your child? Days out? Birthday presents etc etc etc.

I suspect in reality that you are paying for tons of other stuff and have much less left over.

Fill this in
http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Remember you have nothing to be ashamed of. I suspect that you have probably been carrying more of the bills than your salary can support. If not and you have been wasting hundreds on massages and champers that still doesn't make you a bad person. Obviously that would have to stop but hey ho! You can and will get rid of this debt, you have a nice income, and hopefully a supportive partner. Crack on, get him told and get this sorted.

(oh on a personal level this is why i hate separate finances in a couple!! I know that it works for some but for me life is a team game once you are married and teams always play better when they know what the other is up to!)

dktreesea

It's possibly because you had to use all your cash reserves to keep paying your mortgage, so lived off the credit cards until you could get more work. Even if you can only afford £40 or £50 a week, have faith. The debts will go down. I know it seems a huge amount. I have more debt than you, though I can see where the money has gone, and have paid off £4k since the beginning of the year. Just dribs and drabs, here and there whenever I had a bit extra. The repayments do add up.


With regards to telling your partner, how about first having a look at your statements to see just what exactly the £23k is made up of? If it's all clothes and nights out for you, then I could understand if your partner didn't want to help pay them off. But you might find that a lot of it is just day to day living, dating back from when you were out of work for a while.

bsclp118

I was so scared what my partner would say but in reality he was fine. I presented it in a way that I knew it was bad but I was aware I couldn't go on like that and I had a plan. Only told him last week but already I feel soooooooo much less stressed out about it. I think my partner was more worried about why I was being so tearful and down that it was a relief for him in the end tbh!