Have I messed it all up?

skullncrossbones

Where to start.
My partner and I have been trying to move out, the whole thing has been very stressful due to several issues such as moving out with a cat and money worries. Any who. At this moment in time lots of people are getting married/moving in/having babies and I felt left behind. After a big argument we seemed to be ok. However over the weekend shall we say a hormonal moment and asked him where we were going and what he thought was in our future. He said he wasn't sure and another week went by. I should mention we only see each other at weekends due to living far apart. So last weekend he wants to talk and tells me the reason he doesn't know what he wants is due to me being a stressed/uptight person over the last few months. He says he wants to be with me and for things to go back to normal however I need to relax and be me again. I have been stressed and feeling low, but now I'm overthinking everything. I know things will take a while to get back to normal but I believe it's possible. Any words of wisdom or success stories? I feel I need some positivity!
Thank you for reading.

ToriP

People have their ups and downs.
How old are you?

skullncrossbones

I know we've just never had a down like this. Mid twenties.

DD265

We moved in together earlier this year having been together 10 years. Originally I was supposed to pay off my consumer debt first (he doesn't have any) and we wanted about £2000 in the bank to pay deposit/first months rent and make any purchases.

We had decided that it would happen this year so we started looking in January as much as anything to get a feel for what we wanted. In April, we booked a holiday. Within 7 days, we found a flat which hadn't been marketed yet. Knew it was "the one".

So £1200 ish in the bank (hurrah for extra earning potential at work) and still having to pay the balance on the holiday, we moved. I didn't notice it for what it was at the time but I think there was a period of adjustment; we're all settled now though.

We managed financially through spreading purchases on the credit card (always paid in full on the next statement, and the purchase date planned carefully for maximum interest free period) and donations - but mostly stuff - from family. We've gradually added to what we want/need to make our home.

I made a deal with myself earlier this year that rather than expecting my OH to know what I was thinking or what I meant, I would spell it out. If I have an issue with the fact that he folds my tshirts the wrong way, either I accept it's my issue and get over it (refolding the tshirts in the process...) or I ask him to do it differently. He is more laid back than I am so this makes me "pick my battles" and only focus on what actually matters.

He knows that I want to get engaged - sooner rather than later - but I a) want to let him control that and b) appreciate that we can't afford the kind of wedding we might like at the moment. He moved in with me so I guess right now I don't need any more commitment than that. In 5 minutes I might feel differently :rotfl:

ETA - I should add that we did have more than £1200 in the bank between us; this is just the amount that we'd set aside.

FBaby

You seem to be at different stages in your relationship. You are ready to move on to full commitment, he just wants to enjoy the relationship without making plans. Unfortunately, your 'pushiness' to move to the next stage is having the opposite effect on him and makes him want to slow down.

The question is, can you really take things back and let the relationship evolve more at his speed than yours? For how long? If he isn't more committed in say 12 months time, how would you feel? Can you actually enjoy your life without planning moving in/marriage/children?

Unfortunately, many young couples end things not through lack of love, but because they are not at the same point of wanting to fully commit. You need to decide which one means more to you.

skullncrossbones

Thanks for your story DD265. I have to remind myself that just because we've been together for 3 years doesn't mean the timings right.

Fbaby you're right. I regret ever mentioning anything. I was very stressed and it got the better of me. If I'd only kept my mouth shut. It just felt that any sort of commitment was being ripped away from me. I don't believe I'm a bad girlfriend and we've never had anything like this before. I don't believe it'll take 12 months and I'm prepared to take things slowly to get back on track. I'm not wanting marriage and babies yet just to live together n see how that goes. He's the one in the past who's mentioned babies and marriage so I just presumed that's where we were going without realising I was not myself anymore.

Right now he means more to me, we had a great relationship and more than anything I want that back.

AndyBSG

If you haven't been living together that long then you should completely forget all thoughts of marriage and babies for the time being.

I don't mean forget them completely but just lock them away for the time being and make all your thoughts for the next year or so on adjusting to actually 'living' together.

That in itself is a big step and takes work, effort and compromise from both parties so adding the pressure of marriage and babies is something you don't want to do until all of that is working.

Work on the living together and the relationship and the other two will fall into place once the first is successful.

pinkteapot

At some point he'll have to grow up and understand that in long-term adult relationships, it's not always fun-filled dates and being carefree. There will be periods of stress and you get through them together. If my husband or I dumped each other every time one of us had a stressed/down spell we'd be divorced 20 times over! Telling someone who is suffering stress that they need to get over it and be themselves again is inconsiderate and counter-productive.

That rant aside...

It's not a race and you don't need to be in the same place as your friends. I ran a few years behind mine. It doesn't matter. You can just keep things as they are for a while, if you're OK with that. You can't move in until you're both really ready. There may come a point where you know you need more commitment and don't want to keep waiting to see if it happens with him, but it doesn't sound like you're there yet.

When I was in my 20s, one couple I was friends with split up because one of them knew they wanted kids in the future and the other categorically didn't. Sometimes, wanting different things isn't something that can be compromised on and worked through, but in your case it's just that you're ready before he is. How long you're prepared to wait is up to you, and something you'll know in time.

Tlg1991

Ahhh the old facebook life comparison. "oh look everyone else is doing this, shouldn't that be me" i have said this many times, never compare your life to people on social media, people post the best bits of their lives on the net for everyone to see and never post a down times which gives you the impression they have a perfect life and in comparison yours isn't up there like it should be.

Not saying thats what you have done but being mid 20s and saying "At this moment in time lots of people are getting married/moving in/having babies and I felt left behind." gives me that impression.

i am 24 and my GF mentions getting married and having babies nearly every other day, i know i want that soon so it doesn't bother me. although i have told her straight i do really want those things and i can't wait i still want time for me and her to live together on our own and go and explore some of the world while we can, we are also buying our first home at the moment.

I do believe though some boys do get frightened by the thought of moving on in commitment, i used to be like that with exs but with my current GF i can see us with a family in the future so it doesn't frighten me like it once did.

skullncrossbones

Thank you all for your responses, it's nice that you took the time to reply.

Yep there's been some Facebook comparison shall we say lol. I know people only put the good, but damn it looks great! To be honest it was never me bring in up babies and marriage it was him, I've never pushed the idea, until recently when I had a meltdown and think I've scared him off altogether. He says he wants the old me back so I can to concentrate on being happy for myself again. I had a doc appointment today n just broke down, they told me to come back in a couple of weeks if it continues.

I didn't seem to frighten him Tlg1991 however it does now least you're actually buying a home. I just want it to be my turn ya know, my patience is awful at times.