Getting back out on the dating scene

Gaia2014

Having been single for over a year I'm starting to think about dating again and am heading down the internet dating route again (haven't met my ex-partner of 5 years online).

It feels a lot harder than last time and part of me wonders if I'm ready to start dating again. think the desire to settle down and possibly have a child is putting me into panic mode when I just want to enjoy the experience if that makes sense.

All the above is that much harder because I'm quite a shy person outside the work environment these days. I've had a few set backs over the last year which has knocked my confidence somewhat. I've also seen a lot of friends move on and have children etc. So I feel quite isolated outside work and almost socially phobic :eek: (I'm completely the opposite a work though).

I'm not sure what the point of this post is really. But, it would be nice to hear other people's online dating stories and tips to get back out there again.

bargainbetty

I feel your pain. I'm socially quite gregarious, have a small circle of friends, and would genuinely love to have a relationship again, but the idea of getting bak into the dating world fills me with a dread and horror (particularly online dating) that would shock the people who know me.

I've had good and bad online experiences, so it's not just negative memories putting me off - I think I'm getting too old to put my face on a page and be judged by 'swiping right' or having to think up something to funny and attractive to say on a real profile.

However, two of my friends have recently started what have turned out to be fairly decent reltionships with online meetings, so I'm tempted to get back out there and try again.

I know this might not be much help, but knowing that someone else worries about dating again after a break might reassure you that it's perfectly normal. To be honest, a lot of the blokes on the websites will probably feel the same.

Worst case scenario - you have an awful date, and don't see him again. Best scenario, you're on here in a year or so discussing how to have a moneysaving wedding.

Good luck x

Gaia2014

bargainbetty wrote: »

I feel your pain. I'm socially quite gregarious, have a small circle of friends, and would genuinely love to have a relationship again, but the idea of getting bak into the dating world fills me with a dread and horror (particularly online dating) that would shock the people who know me.

I've had good and bad online experiences, so it's not just negative memories putting me off - I think I'm getting too old to put my face on a page and be judged by 'swiping right' or having to think up something to funny and attractive to say on a real profile.

However, two of my friends have recently started what have turned out to be fairly decent reltionships with online meetings, so I'm tempted to get back out there and try again.

I know this might not be much help, but knowing that someone else worries about dating again after a break might reassure you that it's perfectly normal. To be honest, a lot of the blokes on the websites will probably feel the same.

Worst case scenario - you have an awful date, and don't see him again. Best scenario, you're on here in a year or so discussing how to have a moneysaving wedding.

Good luck x

Thanks bargainbetty.

It's sometimes hard to imagine being in a relationship again (although I'm certain it will happen when the time is right). It's definitely that little bit hard to put yourself out there when you're bit older (40's in my case). Maybe I'm just not quite ready yet :eek: My head tells me go for it, but my heart says start putting out feelers and see where it goes.

Maybe I should chat to a few guys first and meet for a coffee during the day or something. I feel encouraged by your reply and I agree a lot of the people on there will be in the same situation and equally nervous about the whole thing. Sometimes the first step is the hardest...

FBaby

My only advice is to go with it with as little expectations as possible if that is possible, ie. see it more as a social thing to do rather than the mean to meet someone and settle down.

The reality is that some are lucky and some are not and no-one can tell how it will be for you. My OH sent one message, and that led to sharing his life with me within a few months and married some years later. It took me 5 years to meet him! Saying that, although I did feel more and more despondent that I would meet The One that way, I did enjoy each dates and even made some new friends that way.

StaffieTerrier

I used online dating as an opportunity to meet new people (I'm not a very social person so I used it to push myself). I met up with a range of different people, who had very different backgrounds from me.

I agree with FBaby about having low expectations (and you need a bit of a tough skin). Don't spend weeks chatting to someone before meeting, you can build the wrong impression too easily. I made first meetings a coffee with plans on my own afterwards, to limit the time I had to spend there. If we got on, we could arrange another meeting. I only had a couple of awkward coffees and I've made a couple of friends from the experience (people I got on really well with but wasn't attracted to).

I'm also lucky like FBaby, that I met someone through online dating who I now share a home with (who is furthest from the type of person that I was looking for than I could ever have imagined). The same thing has happened to several friends (we're a wide range of ages too). Plus, we all have amusing stories of dates gone wrong and strange messages that we've received :rotfl:

Louk

I share your frustrations with online dating.... I have been separated from my ex husband for over three years and have yet to meet anyone face to face. I think that due to the nature of the relationship breakdown in which my trust was completely broken I find it hard to trust what people write/say about themselves. Previously I have usually dated people that have been friends before hand ( indeed my ex husband was a friend first) but I did meet a few that started online I just can't get past it. Odd.

Tlg1991

Honestly i would ditch online dating as it sucks time when you could be doing much more productive things.

Find a hobby you enjoy, hiking, cycling, movies, comic, video games, cars anything you have a passion for that isn't work that you obviously know something about.

Find a club that set up event around that hobby which is simple enough these days given everything is posted everywhere online, and just go and attend. you may not meet the one but you will meet people at to talk to that have common interests so it shouldn't be hard to strike up conversation and that will give your confidence a boost. also you may meet someone your really like and it wont be that hard to talk to them either as your both there for the same reason so just talk about it.

it's better than sitting in front of a screen scrolling through pictures of people and reading there descriptions of themselves trying to pick who is the right one.

kitrat

I am very shy and even I managed to find a lovely man on plenty of fish, been together over a year now and living together happily. A poster above had the right idea - just go in with low expectations and just with a view to meeting new people. Just give it a go! If you don't enjoy it just stop, but try it first nothing stopping you from meeting people other ways as well.

KxMx

I've been online dating (PoF) since March with little success. Most guys my age (28) just want random sexual encounters without even meeting first. I'm not bad looking but struggle just to get dates. I've had a grand total of one. Another stood me up and never messaged again and 1 date offer I'm considering (he isn't very local and I don't drive so unsure whether to agree).

Hardly a stunning success it is very depressing most of the time. I persevere because health issues mean I don't really go out enough to meet guys. I turned to online dating because meeting someone in the conventional way didn't happen. Well without getting dates online it won't happen there either PMSL.

But while I had low expectations I never expected such a dismal number of dates....

Paid sites are out of my budget anyway and judging by my success on PoF i'd be throwing money away.

I tried disabled dating websites a while ago and that was a much worse experience lol.

I actually fancy trying Tinder for laugh but my smartphone is far too basic for the app and its not available for my tablet (Kindle Fire).

I am saving for a proper Android tablet though since the KF is several years old and has many technical fault now. It also doesn't have a camera and limited apps available via Amazon so it'll be a good thing all round when I replace it!

CharlotteBarnes

It is hard to get back into the swing of things when it comes to dating but, as others have said, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Look at online dating as an excuse to get out of the house once in a while, have dinner or some drinks and meet a new person. If it doesn't work out, then at least you were out of the house for a few hours and maybe had a laugh or two.

I would also recommend looking outside of dating sites. Join a local group or club that interests you and maybe meet new platonic friends who will introduce you to more new people and perhaps you'll meet a match that way instead?

Gaia2014

Hi,
Thanks for the replies. Reframing the idea of internet dating as an opportunity to meet new people and make friends as opposed to finding 'the one' certainly would take the pressure of somewhat. It can sometimes feel like going for an interview. Joining a club or finding a hobby is also a good idea. The problem is I don't have any hobbies currently and when I come home from the work commute and don't really feel like going out again (excuse I know). I used to enjoy doing going to evening or weekend classes or learning new skills e.g. salsa dancing or meditation. I used to be more sociable to be honest. It feels a lot harder in many respects, but I'm trying to stay positive and not get too scared by the online dating stories (I met my ex of 5 years online, so I know it's possible). Anyway thanks for all of the suggestions.