Fair sharing of costs

Whiteknight

Looking for a little advice

Been in a relationship for a few months and going for a week away with her and her 2 children.

I would love to be able to pay for everything but really can't do it and wonder how best to split any bills when we are away.

Previously I have paid for food but realise this is not sustainable going forward as I don't want to bankrupt myself or start to feel resentful that I am paying all the time. I don't want to really go down the road of making her pay for what the children and she eats while I just pay for myself as it would feel them and me and I'm wanting to build a lasting relationship.

Any suggestions?

nearlyrich

When I was in the same position as your GF we paid half each on holidays etc...

cashewnut

Suggest a kitty - you each put in X amount at the beginning of the holiday for meals, ice creams and so on and top it up as and when needed.

getmore4less

Whiteknight wrote: »

been in a relationship for a few months and going for a week away with her and her 2 children.

How has money been handled normally day to day when going out as a couple/with the kids.

How was the away part(pre paid) costs split.

bagpussbear

Whiteknight wrote: »

I don't want to really go down the road of making her pay for what the children and she eats while I just pay for myself as it would feel them and me and I'm wanting to build a lasting relationship.

Why not? When I got together with my husband after being a single parent for many years, I would have never expected him to pay for every/most meals for my child.

I think you need to be realistic. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to pay for yourself, and she for their meals. But if you want to help out more, perhaps treat them all to a nice dinner a couple of times, or pay for more petrol/train fares, the odd ice cream etc.

But do have a conversation about it before you go on holiday, so you both know the score.

Snakey

When it comes to financial matters in relationships, don't ever come up with a proposal and then go and present it to them for a yes or a no. That's just a disaster waiting to happen, not least because some of the assumptions you'll have made about what they are expecting are likely to be pretty offensive to them. By all means have a couple of options (including the point beyond which you will not go) in the back of your mind, but don't ever lead with one of them.

The important thing is to pick the right time to start a conversation. And then let them speak first, and give consideration to what they say.

Most people do not have unreasonable or unfair expectations. Those who do will generally not come out and say it openly because they know how it will sound and what other people (e.g. your friends and family) would think if the conversation was repeated - they usually just hope that you'll pay for everything and it will never be mentioned. Often you find that if someone did have these expectations it isn't because they're some evil grasping user but because you've both fallen into a habit over time and the other person has never really stopped to think about whether it's fair or whether you can afford it. So letting them lead can be really helpful.

So, ask her how she thinks the money thing should work while you're away together, and see where that discussion goes.

I am sure she will say that she never expected that you'd pay for all four of you the whole time, and it's fairly likely that she'll have been budgeting/saving on the assumption that she'll be paying for herself and the kids, with perhaps an expectation (which she probably won't admit to) that you might fork out for a couple of nice meals or extras. She may have plans that you - as a single man - won't have thought of, such as using deals and saved supermarket points etc (my sister always surprises me with this sort of thing) that will make everybody's costs cheaper.

That's assuming you haven't been making promises to the contrary - there's nothing worse than somebody who talks about how they're going to take you to lunch, buy you a beer, treat you to something etc and then acts all sniffy when the bill arrives as if you're being selfish for "expecting" that they'll pay.

In my experience of hanging out with people who have wildly differing budgets (I've been on both ends of the deal), the thing that causes resentment is if the "richer" person insists on doing things (choice of restaurant, eating out instead of staying in etc) that are more expensive than the "poorer" person would ever normally choose to spend their money on, and then expects the bill to be split evenly. Even if she isn't more skint than you are, the fact that she's paying for herself plus two kids will make a difference. You might want to bear that in mind if you are asked to suggest activities or pastimes. If you don't fancy putting your hand in your pocket, make sure what you come up with is in keeping (cost-wise) with the kind of things you've all been doing so far.

A shared kitty might be a good idea because a lot of days out sell "family tickets", and so paying separately isn't a sensible option.

burnoutbabe

going away for a week together after only dating a few months? with her kids?

I'd say she would be expecting you to pay half and her half - your being in the role of new dad and you being "a family" rather than mummys friend now.

justme111

Excellent idea of asking how she plans it. If you were not playing "pat for all always "part before as then you cornered yourself. Still can get out of it by some self deprecating humour or invoking short term/long term reasoning. Another excellent idea re halves. You still get to play your knight card as you making it 1/3 easier for her without hopefully breaking the bank. I would find the layout when she pays for her and children and you for yourself a bit offputting and not very sexy.

Whiteknight

Thank you for all the great advice, I was thinking a shared kitty would be the way to go, we could budget and each put in half and top it up if needed. (I'm the saver and she's the spender!!)

Snakey wrote: »

When it comes to financial matters in relationships, don't ever come up with a proposal and then go and present it to them for a yes or a no. That's just a disaster waiting to happen, not least because some of the assumptions you'll have made about what they are expecting are likely to be pretty offensive to them.

Excellent advice

FBaby

Why didn't you discuss this matter as you agreed to go on holiday together? It should have been part of that conversation and would have made things a lot easier.

However much you both might dread bringing up the matter, you're going to have to face it. There is no right or wrong answer, it's about what is right and fair depending on the circumstances.

Don't leave without discussing it or you will be anxious each time the issue come up, and you could either end up resentful if you feel under pressure to pay, or her confused if she feels you are acting differently to what she's been used to.

VfM4meplse

If you can't afford it, why not be honest and stick to activities you can afford?