Helping an older lady

silverwhistle

Looks like you're on a hiding to nothing. I've just been chatting to my 86 year old mum: she has technical issues sometimes but chats on Skype, Facetime and uses a laptop. Sounds like other issues are operative here..

How likely is the first scenario that Xylophone outlines? Perhaps you could downsize to a single bedroom flat until the issue is sorted?!

Themost I'd do is ask her a couple of questions. How much interest do you think you'll get on £xx: she can look in the banks/building societies next time she visits town. How much are local rents and are they going to stay the same forever. Get her thinking for herself, but apart from that stay well away. If she comes back to you with _specific_ questions you're in a better place anyway. If not, we're back to emigration...

ViolaLass

Is the £6k supposed to cover her rent alone? Or rent and living? If the former, have I missed what else she plans to live on?

xylophone

If the former, have I missed what else she plans to live on?

State and occupational pension?

J._Jones

Thanks to everyone for the further comments.

Before I go away again for another week, I should just say that I think the best suggestion I'm getting here is to avoid giving any specific financial advice (which would open up the prospect of her completely misunderstanding and then blaming me or us for the resulting problems thereafter) but instead to try to direct my mother-in-law towards some of the neutral publicly-available facts of life and invite her to ponder the implications for herself in so far as she is able.

Such things as the exact position with regard to her state and (very small) occupational pension entitlements, the probable rent levels and other costs she will be facing (factoring in inflation over, say, the next 20 years), and then looking in particular at the likely returns on some typical cash deposit accounts that would be the easiest and safest but also clearly the least remunerative of her options, might at least inject a little more realism into her thinking about retirement funding, such as it is.

And then we might still try to make a case for her talking to an IFA (we know one in her area who has been good with friends and who is very helpful and user-friendly; it's just that the mother-in-law is so unwilling to engage).

But I think I'm definitely not going to get myself into a position where I am giving, or am believed by her to be giving, any specific financial advice.....

xylophone

Before I go away again for another week,

Strain beginning to tell?

mandragora_2

Don't find the IFA for her - that too will become your fault. Just tell her that you really aren't sure how best to advise her; it's certainly a complex problem and it's really important for her to get the very, very best help possible. Then offer to drive her to the library so that the assistants there can find her a list of the IFA's. They will, of course, download it from the internet, but as you'll have popped into the nearby supermarket to pick up a few essentials, you won't have to watch the row that ensues.

From bitter, hard won experience here, I can say that this is a no-win situation. In the end, my husband completely cut his ties with his mum, after 40-odd years of valiantly trying to always do his best, and always being in the wrong. Sadly, he says it was the easiest and best decision he could have ever made, and he still sometimes comments on it now. She's in her 90's now, still bitter, resentful and even more lonely than ever. I wouldn't wish her fate on my worst enemy, but it was brought about by him trying for too long to be too reasonable and too helpful when what he should perhaps have done was be a lot less available and a lot less reliable.

Gadfium

J._Jones wrote: »

but she's my wife's mother and *exceptionally* forceful so it's not easy to dodge this particular bullet.

She cannot force you to do it...you just have to be as forceful back. A firm "No" at the beginning and no wavering on that will be required.

Good luck!

atush

xylophone wrote: »

Crumbs! Would you?:eek: There'd be blood for breakfast?

yes I would. Seeing what many other people think of her absurd ideas might help her along the road to self enlightenment. probably wont work, but hey. they tried.

margaretclare

J._Jones wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the further comments.

Before I go away again for another week, I should just say that I think the best suggestion I'm getting here is to avoid giving any specific financial advice (which would open up the prospect of her completely misunderstanding and then blaming me or us for the resulting problems thereafter) but instead to try to direct my mother-in-law towards some of the neutral publicly-available facts of life and invite her to ponder the implications for herself in so far as she is able.

Such things as the exact position with regard to her state and (very small) occupational pension entitlements, the probable rent levels and other costs she will be facing (factoring in inflation over, say, the next 20 years), and then looking in particular at the likely returns on some typical cash deposit accounts that would be the easiest and safest but also clearly the least remunerative of her options, might at least inject a little more realism into her thinking about retirement funding, such as it is.

And then we might still try to make a case for her talking to an IFA (we know one in her area who has been good with friends and who is very helpful and user-friendly; it's just that the mother-in-law is so unwilling to engage).

But I think I'm definitely not going to get myself into a position where I am giving, or am believed by her to be giving, any specific financial advice.....

I think you've reached a good decision. Possibly the only decision that makes any sense.

Silverwhistle is right. Many of us oldies have found that use of the internet, Skype etc have opened up a new world of interest for us. At the very least, has made things easy which would have been difficult, like shopping. DH has helped 90-year-olds get on to Skype and talk to their relatives on other continents, and what joy that has given them.

This lady has had no excuse for not getting computer-savvy. She could have done so at work, with ease. Like it or not, it is becoming increasingly-difficult to live in a computer-free world.

You would really be in the deep doo-doo if you attempted to give her any kind of financial advice and it all went belly-up. As could so easily happen. No one really knows the long-term effects of the Greek crisis, the eurozone, the Middle East, any of that. I suppose that MIL doesn't know that all this is happening?

greenglide

She's in her 90's now, still bitter, resentful and even more lonely than ever. I wouldn't wish her fate on my worst enemy, but it was brought about by him trying for too long to be too reasonable and too helpful when what he should perhaps have done was be a lot less available and a lot less reliable

My mother as well!

Same age, same situation!

I dearly hope that "we" dont end up that way, I would hate to inflict what she does on the rest of the world.

Is it a particular generation thing?